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I want to self harm, I'm such a disappointment

I feel like such a failure and a disappointment to my family and friends. I’m going nowhere in life, and it’s hurting. I’m 24 and I can’t work, or at least that’s what my therapist says. I’m suicidal, I wanted to kill myself in October last year. And I didn’t tell anyone in my family because it feels like they wouldn’t care. A few select people knew, my boyfriend now knows better than anyone. Lately, I’ve felt myself sinking more and more. And, again, as I’m approaching 2 months clean from self harm. I want to hurt myself again. It’s getting difficult to not do it. I keep looking at my razor. And every time I feel the urge to cut, I tell my boyfriend. And he supports me to not do it. But I can’t always rely on him if he’s at work. I’m genuinely struggling, and it feels like I’m stuck.
I can’t reach out to my family. They say I’m a disappointment, and they’re disappointed in me. That hurts more than ever. I’ve been having nightmares every night for weeks. Family saying I’m not trying to change my situation aren’t helping. I can’t do anything. I feel worthless, and like… What’s the point. Why am I even here.
I threw out my razor and I just… It feels like I threw out my escape. I threw out my last resort.

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Hey mammawolf,

Man, things are so hard right now. I’m so sorry that you are carrying such heavy things in your heart. You know, I can’ understand how these things can lay so much hard feelings on yourself and cause that feeling of failure but you are not at all a failure or disappointment. And with everything going on right now, it’s so hard to even do things that we would normally on a day to day basis. Friend, I’m sorry that you feel like you are sinking. I can relate to that on a deep level. Especially lately. You know, but this community is full of such amazing people. Are you in the discord? I think it’s important for us all to gather where we can together so we can support one another through the stresses we face. Sure we can’t solve everything going on in each other’s lives, but we can be a sources of friendship, compassion and understanding.

I’m sorry that your family has not been very supportive of you when you need them the most. That’s really cruddy. You really aren’t a disappointment. I know that it can be hard to believe that when your own family is saying these things to you. This I know as my family was not very supportive either. And it was really easy to fall into those lies and believe them. To be hard on myself.

You deserve love. You deserve understanding and you deserve to be heard. Your feelings matter. your life matters.

I’m proud of you for throwing your razor out. I know from experience how hard that can be. There were times I wouldn’t use them but just keep them and that brought me comfort knowing they were there but I KNEW that was unhealthy to hang onto that. So I got rid of them. It’s a good thing friend. But it wasn’t your last resort. We care. We have a family of people here and you ARE a part of that. I’m going to leave you some links okay?

Discord: https://discord.gg/MFnCHa

Hey, you are always welcome to share your heart. And I sincerely hope that you find peace and healing in your heart and towards yourself. <3 Much love

  • Kitty
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Hey @mammawolf,

Thank you for sharing and being here. I see that you’ve been holding on some intense feelings, yet you gathered enough strength to come here. So, thank you. :heart:

I’m 24 and I can’t work, or at least that’s what my therapist says. I’m suicidal, I wanted to kill myself in October last year. And I didn’t tell anyone in my family because it feels like they wouldn’t care. A few select people knew, my boyfriend now knows better than anyone.

Sweet friend, I am sorry you’ve been through this almost all by yourself. I know how it feels, with all my heart, and I wish you didn’t have to experience that kind of thought. Despite this, it is also a relief to see you here, to see that you keep hanging on. I’m also so glad to hear that your boyriend knows. It’s really important to be able to share that kind of thing, so your partner can support you. Also lnow that coming here is always safe, there’s nothing to be ashamed of in what you describe, and you are so, so loved.

I also noticed what you say about not working yet. I suppose that if your therapist says this, then they have good reasons. But it can frustrating to have to wait or receive some kind of external validation for that. Even so, it’s okay if you need some time before working. When people are experiencing a burn out for example, the first recommendation is to take a medical leave and stay away from your work as long as you need, so you can actually heal. It’s okay to do that. It’s okay to take your time. It’s even healthier to build for yourself some solid foundations, so you make sure that working would not make you feel worse, but would be actually helping.

I can’t reach out to my family. They say I’m a disappointment, and they’re disappointed in me. That hurts more than ever. I’ve been having nightmares every night for weeks. Family saying I’m not trying to change my situation aren’t helping. I can’t do anything. I feel worthless, and like… What’s the point. Why am I even here.

I’m sorry your family said that. Also I understand why it can be important for you to seek some encouragement from them. Maybe they don’t really understand what you are going through. It can be hard to explain, it can be hard to understand. Maybe they genuinely don’t want to understand. Maybe they are afraid. Maybe they’re worried/concerned but express that in a very unhelpful way. There can be a lot of possibilities. But what could make their reaction understandable doesn’t mean they’re right to say that. You don’t need to hear that. And you’re absolutely not a disappointment. You’ve been honest here, sharing what you’re going through, allowing us to know a little more about you and what is, maybe, not enough visible for your family. And based on that, I can assure you that you’re absolutely not a disappointment. :heart:

Also, sometimes when we’re facing things that make us feel highly vulnerable, we need to focus more on ourselves rather than others might say, especially if it’s very judging. I know… it’s really hard. Especially if it comes from people you care about. But also keep in mind that what you’re doing, the fact that you keep going on, you’re doing it for yourself first. This is your life. This is about your health, your well-being. No one can take that away from you. :heart:

I threw out my razor and I just… It feels like I threw out my escape. I threw out my last resort.

I can only imagine the distress you can feel in this situation. When the only thing that seems to give you a sense of relief is now away from you. But you did the right thing. You did what you had to, for your own safety, and I’m really proud of you. I hear your frustration. But don’t forget that the relief you get from self-harm is only temporary. In the long run, it only adds more pain to your heart. And you, your body, don’t deserve any harm. Never. You only deserve a whole bunch of love, compassion and kindness.

You didn’t threw out your last resort. Your main resources are inside yourself, in your heart and in your soul. You have the strengths to keep going on. You have the capacity to know what is truly good for you. And you can also count on those who love you and want to support you through this :heart:. When I was struggling with eating disorders, I felt almost everyday this intense pain that needed to be silenced. Yet when I resisted to the urges that I had to harm myself, I could see that it wouldn’t have been worth it if I had let myself drown into it. Every time you don’t harm yourself is a success. And what a great victory to get rid of what could potentially harm you. I know it doesn’t feel like this when you’re hurting. I totally get that. So give yourself the time and compassion you need, as much as possible. To actually see your progress, your accomplishments, and the positive impacts of being self-harm free. You said you’re approaching 2 months clean from self-harm? That’s truly awesome!

Sending love your way. :heart: