Ah man, I didn’t even get to finish reading your post when I felt compelled to say – THERE’S NO FAKING IT…gosh, what a brutal message for society to send to your soul…you do not self-harm as some kind of publicity stunt, and even if you do desire attention, that does not disqualify your pain.
everyone’s pain can be sourced to some kind of rejection, some kind of negative experience…often times it’s linked to neglect, or a lack of attention…we all do shit to get attention on us – you are not crazy or unique for wanting to do that…and moreover, it doesn’t disqualify you from being allowed to experience your pain! It’s COMPLETELY HUMAN to want attention and to do something when we feel unloved.
There is no shame…NONE…in what you’re doing…not that I condone it at all, but what you’re doing is completely understandable. You experience pain, and you have learned somewhere along the way that cutting yourself can solve that pain in some way or another…it either purges you of the guilt, feeling like you’re to blame and cutting yourself satisfies the punishment…or the act of /feeling something different/ gives you a release of all of the pain and stress…or whatever logical reason that you do it, the core of this is: IT MAKES SENSE…YOU MAKE SENSE…you’re not crazy, you’re not faking it, you’re not stupid. You learned somewhere along the way that this could solve your problems, and you know what self-harming makes you? A PROBLEM SOLVER…
There are certainly more healthy ways to solve your problems, and I believe that one day you will make the shift and begin to solve your problems in healthier ways…but it certainly doesn’t make you less than, doesn’t make you inferior, doesn’t make you inadequate, doesn’t disqualify your pain.
You matter. Your pain matters. You’re not crazy. You’re actually brilliant and capable. TRUTH!!
— okay I’m going to finish reading your post now, ha —
Yeah, friend, it feels like the direction your life is naturally heading…the “current” of your life is primarily powered by this belief that you don’t deserve good things…and if that’s a core belief, if that’s what you truly feel about yourself, what you’ve learned through experience is “true” (quotes because it’s not, though it may feel that way), then doesn’t it make sense why you get rid of all your money when you know a better life happens when you save it? Or that you don’t eat, because if you don’t deserve good things, then your body doesn’t deserve nutrition or care?
I don’t know what your core belief actually is, but I hope this illustrates the power of beliefs…whatever you believe becomes the current of your life and it’s really hard to fight against the current long term…but you can jump into a different stream, you can change your beliefs! Not that it’s “that easy”, but to cast a vision that different is possible, that you can feel worthy and receive and enjoy good things in your life as the regular current of your life. I believe you DO DESERVE that, and I believe it is possible for you friend.
Hope something in here encourages you