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Belongs to: Have you ever felt the pain of holding on to hope
I was emotionally abused as a kid and now I’m left with the pieces. Self doubt, self hatred, and hopelessness are a regular occurrence for me. I’m uncomfortable when people are kind to me and don’t ever feel like I deserve to be loved.
@jordyy.97 thank you=====
@ajaydenray you look like an awesome dude to drink a beer with. And I love your car. Hope you have an amazing day:)
Being so young when you experienced abuse and hurt is so heart breaking. Childhood is such a fundamental time in our development. We are learning the world around us and how to respond. We are dependant on parents or caregivers to guide us to become who we are and we also learn an important part of how we perceive ourselves.
When someone who is supposed to be guiding and loving you is constantly telling you that you’re not good enough, you’re not worth it and you don’t deserve love, then it’s perfect sense that the end result would be that it becomes so ingrained into who you are as a person. It can be so easy to align “this is how I’ve been treated” with “this is how I deserve to be treated”.
Because if we didn’t deserve it, then why would it happen?
I remember being so hurt by someone I cared about deeply and all I could think was “what the hell have I done to deserve this?!”. I went through a cycle of blaming myself, of trying to find an explanation, of trying to make myself change to be a better person, to change myself to be a different person.
At the end of the day, the feelings of hurt were valid, but the feelings of self blame were an untruth caused by the complex fact that- their poor choices impacted my life.
Maybe we could spend time trying to pin point why people mistreated you and hurt you, but when it comes down to grits, you can’t really make an excuse for harming the innocent. It’s so frustrating that because of their actions you have to be the one left with the aftermath, the trauma. You’re the one who has to fight for healing, you’re the one who has to undo the abuse.
And it’s not just undoing one “you’re worthless” or “you’re unloved”, it’s an entire lived childhood. Even one time experiences of being abused can lead to long term effects and scars.
It would be like if you taught your child their whole life that the grass is purple and one day when they are left to their own way in the world they are told that it’s green. They would have a very hard time readjusting. They wouldn’t understand why they were taught that. But, the fact is that just because they were told it’s purple, doesn’t make it true.
You are not undeserving, you are not unworthy. A child can never be at fault for an adults actions. We can’t be responsible for peoples actions full stop.
It takes time to process and relearn things, but you are deserving of the time and of being heard