I was selfish for loving this person

The one thing I keep forgetting to mention in my posts about having feelings for my friends. I’m woundering did like her for the wrongs reasons.

At first I try just to br friends with her, she has a boyfriend and feel don’t want to make a mess. Then my co worker kept telling how she has feelings for you. Then my mom was forcing me to be a date to my sister wedding. Everyone was telling that she had Romantic for feeling, which I do but felt I was mental get crazy by everyone.

It was there felt it was alot driving to different states to see her, but would spend the whole day skateboarding, going get food and going some local shows. I even got close with her friends and it alot fun. But I felt did not get much gas money ( she chip in alittle.) I feel the drive was mostly an issue. It was kinda the boyfriend without the sex.

To be fair she did pay for own meals at time, would let her water , telling have more self worth, would tell it okay to be a virgin and believe in my skateboarding. She also gave some skate wheels

I did do alot favor for her, part was because I wanna too. Cause I love her and tear her good.

Part me feel use, but I get anger about it and cause use in the past.I get paranoid that she lie to me and I’m hurt intense about it.

However, I do like it fuck up me to think way. In someway I was lying to her as friend. I use tell my girlfriends that I did this for you and you don’t care about me. Honestly, I was kinda hoping she would ethier break up with her boyfriend or have an open relationship. I also want to lose my V card to her. In way I would hang out with her because I just female friend and I was afraid her leaving me. I got clingy and I’m still clingy, I depend my self worth on her. In someone I kinda demand her to make me happy and give me self worth.

I hoping that she why she left me, cuase it was not she use me or tha she hated me, I hope she be friends. That also bring selfish too, I should just let go. But I can’t

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Hey friend, thanks for posting. I know this time is really hard for you and I hope you find comfort and support here. I’m proud of you for posting
Honestly, if I were you, I’d take some time for yourself. I know it’s probably something you don’t want to hear, or you’ve heard it too much, but I think taking time for yourself and figuring out what would be best for you and just working on healing would benefit you a lot. Your anger and frustration is valid, and who knows, maybe you’ll see each other again. But maybe some time apart and learning how to not be as clingy or dependent on people, knowing what makes you angry and what triggers you, could be some good things to learn by yourself. I think time with ourselves allows us to know ourselves better and allows us to grow and mature, and maybe that’s what needs to happen here? I hope that makes sense and helps a little bit. No matter what, you will be okay and you will get through this. This bad feeling won’t last forever and you will not feel this way forever. Just give it time and allow yourself to feel these feelings
Hope to hear from you again

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Second-guessing why you were with a person will drive you insane. You can do it forever, and it just gets worse and worse. I know because I’ve been there.

I think everyone telling you there was chemistry between you two was them just being excited for you. I also think it put too much pressure on the whole situation, made you get inside your head, and made the falling out that much more disappointing because, maybe, you felt like you were letting everyone else down. I know they didn’t mean anything bad by it, but they put too much pressure on your friendship.

I understand the “boyfriend without the sex” part. I did all sorts of stuff for my crushes in the past. Again, I may have been doing it for the wrong reasons. I told myself out loud that it was just a good way to be friends, but I knew that I wanted to be close to those girls because it was the closest thing that I had to a relationship, and just maybe they would start to feel that way about me too. I’ll say this though: don’t regret the good times you had. If she wasn’t taking advantage of you, then remember how much fun you had spending the day skating or seeing shows. One example: one time my ex and I stopped at a parking lot carnival, rode every ride, and had a great time. She broke my heart and it hurts to think about her, but I had a blast at that carnival, and she can’t take that away from me.

Being paranoid about her lying is another way of second guessing things, another thing that will drive you crazy. I could tell you not to do it, but I’ve done it plenty. It’s hard. The same ex from above lied to me about talking to other guys, and I spent a long time trying to put timelines together in my head to try to make sense of it. I felt like I couldn’t help it, but it hurt so much to think about. If you can do anything to distract yourself from trying to figure out if she lied to you, do it. That shit will eat you alive.

Being clingy is normal too when you’ve been involuntarily single for so long. When you want a girlfriend so bad, then you get someone who’s close, you don’t want to let that go. You want to feel the rush of having a woman care about you, and you don’t ever want to lose it. I was clingy with my ex, and we were in a committed relationship. I knew she had commitment issues and was also a big flirt, but I felt so alive with her that I never wanted to lose that, so I gave 110% to being the best boyfriend imaginable so that she would never want to leave. In hindsight, she should have wanted to stay because of who I was, not how much extra I did to try to keep her, but when you meet someone who rocks your world, you never want to let go.

I think it’s good that you acknowledge you were in love with this woman. A lot of guys in your position would just say “I mean I kinda liked her, but she had a boyfriend, and she led me on and was a bitch.” They would put their hurt on her without acknowledging why they were hurt in the first place. Acknowledging you were in love with her is healthy. It helps you deal with your pain instead of dismissing it, and it helps you remember that what you felt was real and not some fantasy she was spinning for you. I also think it’s good that you realize wanting to be friends with her is really about wanting to keep being around her, taking in the feeling of having a woman care about you. It might be the “wrong reason,” but I don’t think you’re a bad person for it.

What’s most important is that you’re being honest with yourself. That’s something a lot of people never even try to do. It will help you heal, it will help you to not be bitter, and it will help you understand what you’re feeling the next time you meet a badass woman.