I will never stop

I’ve been about three weeks clean. But I self harmed yesterday. I had an urge to cut and I did. I want to stop. As I’ve said in my other posts, but I think that’s what no one understands how hard that is. It’s hard to stop because I don’t want to let go. I was reading this article someone sent me and it was 15 things to do instead of self harm. It helped today when I had an urge to cut. I was really proud of myself for not cutting. I know I’ve been posting a lot and I’m sorry. I’m scared that I’ll never stop and that I’ll never let go. I believe that I can stop but sometimes I don’t. Most of the time it spends on the situation I’m in. I try to get away from the thing I use to self harm but that doesn’t help. I still grab it and cut. I self harm to feel better and as a method of control. I feel so stressed out. I’ve been getting recurring headaches because of my stress and anxiety. As I’ve said before I’ve only ever told one person. Sometimes I’ll sit in my room and wonder what if I tell someone and they judge me or think I mjuat doing this for attention? I had a friend go through self harm, and he wants to help me as I’ve said before, but sometimes I feel like he’s another one of those people that doesn’t understand. Because he tells me I don’t have to cut and I can stop but I feel like he doesn’t understand how hard it is. I would think him of all people would understand how hard this recovery is going to be. I’ve only ever trusted one person with this. I’ve been self harming since fifth grade. I’m in eighth grade right now. So about three years I’ve been self harming. I really have nothing else to say.

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I am a burner myself. It has been a long time since I burned myself though I’ve done it by accident several times. (Sometimes I think am I intentially burning myself subconciously) To be truthful I never recovered in a way because I at certain times take really hot showers that for most people would be scalding hot. I leave just a tad bit cool water so I wouldn’t totally scar up my body. (I’ve a huge problem with dryskin because of it)

I tried cutting before and somewhat comprehend why a lot of cutters do it. I chose burning like my alcohol. I need a lasting sensation. When you cut the pain seems so short startling and the after feel seems soothing. I need something jarring. In a way Burning is like tequila. (I like to drink my tequila straight)

The reasons I did burning:
When I started out burning I felt dead inside and wondered if I was alive. I tried cutting, but I felt like it did nothing for me. Worse I disassociate with the world and zone out almost blacking out sort of. I also wanted to escape reality because it hurts to live so much. Back then I viewed myself worthless and a waste of space. At times in various sporadic phases I thought I deserved punishment. And I being brought up Christian thought the blade wasn’t enough. Fire is purifying and since all the worthless to “God” end up burning. Why not burn myself with fire instead of cutting myself with the blade. This thought seemed to bring a euphoria to me when I burn myself. (So in a way I was getting off on it as well(Not Sexually)

Sometimes I think about going back to burning. (If you’re looking for advice on how to stop you won’t really find it from me because tbh I don’t really know why I ever stopped and worse why I don’t go back to it.) I don’t though.

So what I am saying is that Don’t think any worse of yourself for harming yourself. You didn’t fail. Don’t think of it as failing. Don’t think of yourself as weak either. Not everyone can pick up a knife and hurt themselves intentionally (not condoning it). For you to suffer this for so long has a strength to it as much as you being honest with us about what you do.

Endure. Be strong. Give an effort is all that is needed (Success isn’t mandatory).

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Hey Angie,

Self-harm is a complicated and complex thing to recover from. Although reaching out for support isn’t always easy, I am so thankful you have come here to share this with us. I want you to know what a victory that is for you to have been clean for 3 weeks! Even though relapsing may make you feel like you’ve failed, the fact of the matter is, you were clean for 3 weeks and that is truly wonderful because that means that you have the ability to be clean for 4 weeks, months and eventually years! Even if you relapse, you are still working to overcome this and I truly believe you have the strength to be able to make more and more progress. And I’m so proud of you for finding and trying alternatives when you feel like cutting. That is yet another victory worth celebrating because self-harm easily becomes a vicious cycle. That being said, another resource that you might find helpful is HeartSupport’s book ReWrite because it really helps break down and identifying past wounds in order to try and understand the root of self-harm and how to seek and work towards recovery.

With so many stigmas and stereotypes attached to self-harm it is understandable why it can be so hard to tell those closest to you about it. Letting go and recovering can be scary because it is new and it will mean no longer engaging in behaviors you have been used to using. Recovery is a battle, but it is a battle I have faith you can win. Whether you feel comfortable sharing this with others in your life or not, know that we are here to love and support you along your journey to recovery.

Hold fast,
Hannah Rhodes

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Hey there. Boy, this is hitting home for me, and it is something I don’t really speak about. Life can be hard, too much to handle, and sometimes it just seems the only way to cope. I get that.
I am an ex-self-harmer, I used to cut and still have some of the cars, and yes, the urge is still there sometimes. It never went away, not really, but I learned how to deal with the pain in a non-harmful way. But I haven’t damaged myself in… I guess 20 years now. I have found tricks to inflict physical pain without cutting, and these are:

  1. wearing a rubber band around my wrist that I can snap to release mental pain
  2. dripping candle wax on my hands, and I have found willing friends who sometimes drip wax on my back.
  3. BDSM. Bondage, clamps and whips, and letting someone else deal with the world for a while.

These three got me over the heavy hump in my life, after which I got more clarity, after which I more resorted to:
3. getting good, painful, deep-tissue massages.
4. refuse to be around people that stress me the f*ck out.

I hope my suggestions help. I am here to chat if you need me.

And… You’re not alone.

kind regards,

Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy

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Hi @Angie,

I’m so sorry that this is something you’re struggling with. You’re right. Self harm is not easy to quite, it’s an addiction like anything else. The deeper you get into it the harder and harder it gets to stop. I’ve experienced this personally. And I know that it seems so impossible to stop and to be clean, but I promise that recovery really is attainable. I have struggled with it for 10+ years, but I am thankfully in recovery… I know that recovery seems so far away, but just keep fighting.

I remember calling a friend one time, actually someone I know I’m heartsuport, after I had relapsed for the millionth time it felt like. So I’m driving in my car, on the phone with my friend, and he says to me “Hannah, relapse doesn’t mean failure. A lot of the time, relapse is part of recovery, and once’s you accept that and stop hating yourself more and more each time you relapse, the easier it’s going to be to recover”. And that just stuck with me, it’s true. Relapse is part of almost any recovery, and that’s okay. That just means we pick all the pieces up and we try again.

The amount of days clean is not the important part, the important part is that you try again, you fight against this. And we are all here to help you fight. You’re not alone in the battle. Never ever hesitate to reach out for help, okay?

Don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
Much love,

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