I’m so sorry that you have to through life every day hiding your feelings. That facade must be so draining, and that lack of understanding or connection with those close to you must feel isolating. I commend you for reaching out and sharing, but my heart breaks for you when those you share with don’t believe what you tell them. You deserve a listening ear and an open heart, and I’m sorry that those around you haven’t given you those things yet.
Just like you said, that inner darkness can feel like a monster, caged within. Those around you can tell you have that pain inside, but they have no clue what the monster is truly like. I won’t tell you how you are feeling, nor attempt to make a guess, but I can only imagine that the darkness must feel so consuming.
I want you to know, however, that just because you may not have had someone listen fully and deeply to you yet, or because no one has been able to fully grasp how you feel - that does not mean that nobody can. The key word here is “yet”. I pray that you don’t consider this the end of your search for help, and I would venture to say that it is not, as you are here talking to us! Just because you haven’t received the love or care you seek does not mean that it is not there. It has just not been there yet. You deserve every ounce of compassion and every word you say deserves full attention. I care for you and I care to know your story. If you feel comfortable, I would love to talk more with you about this inner darkness you face. You deserve connection, and we at HeartSupport want to cultivate that for you.
And if you don’t want to get personal, I understand that. I just want you to know that however cliche it mat sound, it is true that this will not last forever. In the same way that a barren and harsh winter eventually is conquered by the tiny flower buds of spring, your darkness can be conquered with tiny shards of hope. Each day, ruminate on the tiniest, most minuscule victories or bright spots in your day, and let the hope of each of those carry you into the next, knowing that the blooming of one flower leads to many, many more in time. It takes time, and there will still be cold spells where it feels like you are retreating back into the dark, but the spring always and forever will come. I know that future is there for you. This inner darkness is not forever. Better days await you and I hope and pray that you stick around to see them. These days come through opening up and processing what you are going through with loving, listening, and caring peers. Even if you haven’t found them in person yet, let us be those people because we truly want to be.
You are loved so much more than you could ever know. You matter infinitely. Thank you for sharing your story and holdfast- we believe in you.