I wish I wasn't born

I’ve just discovered this forum and I don’t know if this is the right place to post this, but I have to let it out somewhere and this sort of looked like the kind of place where this would be appropriate. Sorry if it’s too long, I just feel really bad about life and I don’t have anyone to talk to.

So, I’m 24 and I live with my mom and brothers (dad left the house a few years ago). I’m Autistic. I’ve always been an outsider, never really part of anything. As a little kid it didn’t bother me at all, but as I grew older I started getting lonely. I feel like there is no place for me in this world, like I’m barely even human, more like a humanoid alien. I don’t interact well with most people.
I’ve only ever been really close to two people in my life: my mother when I was little, and my ex-girlfriend before she left me (the fact she was even with me at some point was a one time miracle, I don’t expect something like that to happen again, nor do I want it becasue I can’t handle another heartbreak).
Generally I like having my alone time and social interactions usually make me uncomfortable, but I do wish I had someone I could be really close with. I’ve gotten so used to being lonely that it’s almost part of my identity now. Like, I don’t just feel lonely at a certain moment, loneliness is part of who I am. Even when I spend time with another person and do something fun, I’m still lonely. I still feel disconnected from that person. It gets unbearable sometimes, but usually it’s not the main thing on my mind. It’s like a dark cloud in the background that casts a shadow on everything else.

Another issue is that I’m supposed to be an adult now, but honestly I don’t feel any more ready for that than I was as a teenager in high school. I have no idea what I want my life to look like, I’m not even sure I want a life. I’m trying to get a job becasue my family has some financial problems, but I don’t have the necessary skills for any job. I feel trapped becasue I know I need to focus on doing something that A) I don’t believe I can do and B) I don’t really want to do, but have no choice.
I thought maybe I should learn some skills, but I can never stick to anything long enough to really learn, I always give up. I can’t imagine myself ever being independent and living on my own. I’ll probably stay in my mom’s house until she dies, and then I won’t be able to keep it myself so I would just be homeless.

I feel stuck. Even if I could do whatever I wanted, I don’t know what I would really want to do. I never asked to be born, I don’t have any strong passion or something I really want to do with my life. Life feels pointless. It’s all just a mad struggle to survive with no real purpose, but we all die in the end anyway, so what’s the point in surviving for the sake of surviving if the end result is death? Why not just die now and skip all the struggles on the way there?

I know life is hard for everyone, and I don’t pretend my life is the hardest or worst becasue I know it isn’t, but I just have zero motivation to deal with it. I wouldn’t mind life being hard if I had some big purpose that I was willing to do anything for, but I don’t. Everything is either pointless or just not for me.

The main reason I’m not seriously considering suicide right now is that I don’t want to hurt anyone. Putting emotions aside, from a practical point of view my family would actually benefit from it if I died, becasue I can’t really get a job anyway no matter how much I try and I’m just draining resources. But I know especially my mom would not take it well at all, and she’s struggling enough already, so I guess I’m just waiting until she dies of old age (which will take a few decades) so I can kill myself without anyone caring. I don’t want that to be my plan, I hate this idea, but I can’t think of a better one.

I apologize for typing too much stuff, this would probably be better to bring up in therapy than here, but I can’t afford a therapist right now. I don’t expect anyone to actually read the whole thing or give me any advice, I just can’t keep it inside anymore and writing it in a notebook is still just keeping it to myself.

I want to say hang in there, but I don’t like this idea of you killing yourself. I don’t have autism, but I do know what its like to be a loner and extremely shy. I don’t know if your religious or not, but all I can recommend is to go check out a small “small” church you can even check out some online ones if your not up to going in person. Or call the 700 club there a great for those who need prayer.

From what I can see this isn’t something you should be bottling up. Having at least one friend or even your mother to talk to you about this is important. I’m sure your mother wouldn’t want you to feel like this either. I’m sure she wants your to be happy too.

Oh and don’t worry about typing so much you have a lot on your mind, and its really good for you to get it off your chest. :slight_smile:

Hey Friend,
First of all this is absolutely the kind of place to post these things. You matter so much and this forum exists for those needing support and right now that person needing it is you. So welcome, hello, I am glad you are here!

You are definitely going through a lot and I feel for you. Though I do not have a lot of experience in some of the things you mentioned, I do know how alone it can feel when not being able to work and feel like a burden to the family supporting you. Its a valid feeling. But from the sounds of it, they love you just the same and want you around. You deserve love and are worthy of love, show yourself some grace friend because self-love is just as important.

Also, you’re only 24 and you don’t have to have your whole life figured out yet. Just take things one step at a time. If you want to try to get a job you might be able to handle, then its okay to look for one and try it out. If you aren’t ready and your mom is okay with that, then its okay to just try something else for the time being.

I get feeling stuck, I have been there before and in some ways my situation is a little stuck too. Having support is key to making bigger and better things happen, so know you are supported here. I have thoughts like you do too about waiting to die and that related. But you have to know that replacing those thoughts with positive ones and reinforcing truth against the lies of not mattering is far better.

For more support, please keep posting here in the forum, there are a lot of people who care and I would love for you to interact with them as well. Also, join us for the live chats through Twitch.tv/HeartSupport Monday, Wednesday, Fridays 10am PST if you aren’t already. There is also a week free trial through BetterHelp that HS offers and various other resources like Dwarf Planet, a book to help with depression, and Rewrite with is help for self-harm.

We are here for you, hold fast.

Thank you for your reply and kind words. I’m not religious, but I appreciate your good intentions.
I’ve already explained to my mother in the past how I feel, and she was very understanding, but more recently I find it harder to communicate with her. Not sure exactly why. I just feel like I can’t really talk to her anymore about this, and there’s no one else either.

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I’ll be honest, I was really stressed when I saw people actually responded to me and I was afraid to read it at first, I was worried the part about death would make people judge me, but now after reading your reply and Under_rated_eskimo’s I feel just a bit better.

I get that I don’t have to have my whole life figured out yet, but I don’t even have any idea where to start. I don’t think there is any job I can handle, and I’m not just talking about careers, I mean low wage part time jobs that even teenagers can do when they’re not in school. Maybe that’s just my low self esteem, though. Maybe there is something I can do, I just don’t know what yet. I’ve been looking for a while and so far the results have been frustrating, and it’s kind of getting to me. I do have a tendency to expect the worst case scenario when things don’t go well.

You say your situation is stuck too, so I hope you find a solution.
Thank you so much for your support!

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I am really glad that you read the comments to your post. We care about you and hear you. Know that there will always be someone to listen and offer encouragement here. I know how low self-esteem and expecting the worst in situations. It can be overwhelming to try to find hope, positivity, or any confidence in anything. Think about things you enjoy doing and start there, even if it isn’t related to work, etc. I know that I enjoy writing encouraging notes in birthday cards and mailing them out. I hadn’t done it for the better part of a year and finally got back into doing it. It helped to do something, even little things that bring joy. So maybe leave a not to your mom letting her know you care about her and all she has done for you. Pick up a coloring book or a hobby you used to enjoy. I believe in you friend, lets create some healthier habits to replace the time spent seeing dead-ends.