I’ve just discovered this forum and I don’t know if this is the right place to post this, but I have to let it out somewhere and this sort of looked like the kind of place where this would be appropriate. Sorry if it’s too long, I just feel really bad about life and I don’t have anyone to talk to.
So, I’m 24 and I live with my mom and brothers (dad left the house a few years ago). I’m Autistic. I’ve always been an outsider, never really part of anything. As a little kid it didn’t bother me at all, but as I grew older I started getting lonely. I feel like there is no place for me in this world, like I’m barely even human, more like a humanoid alien. I don’t interact well with most people.
I’ve only ever been really close to two people in my life: my mother when I was little, and my ex-girlfriend before she left me (the fact she was even with me at some point was a one time miracle, I don’t expect something like that to happen again, nor do I want it becasue I can’t handle another heartbreak).
Generally I like having my alone time and social interactions usually make me uncomfortable, but I do wish I had someone I could be really close with. I’ve gotten so used to being lonely that it’s almost part of my identity now. Like, I don’t just feel lonely at a certain moment, loneliness is part of who I am. Even when I spend time with another person and do something fun, I’m still lonely. I still feel disconnected from that person. It gets unbearable sometimes, but usually it’s not the main thing on my mind. It’s like a dark cloud in the background that casts a shadow on everything else.
Another issue is that I’m supposed to be an adult now, but honestly I don’t feel any more ready for that than I was as a teenager in high school. I have no idea what I want my life to look like, I’m not even sure I want a life. I’m trying to get a job becasue my family has some financial problems, but I don’t have the necessary skills for any job. I feel trapped becasue I know I need to focus on doing something that A) I don’t believe I can do and B) I don’t really want to do, but have no choice.
I thought maybe I should learn some skills, but I can never stick to anything long enough to really learn, I always give up. I can’t imagine myself ever being independent and living on my own. I’ll probably stay in my mom’s house until she dies, and then I won’t be able to keep it myself so I would just be homeless.
I feel stuck. Even if I could do whatever I wanted, I don’t know what I would really want to do. I never asked to be born, I don’t have any strong passion or something I really want to do with my life. Life feels pointless. It’s all just a mad struggle to survive with no real purpose, but we all die in the end anyway, so what’s the point in surviving for the sake of surviving if the end result is death? Why not just die now and skip all the struggles on the way there?
I know life is hard for everyone, and I don’t pretend my life is the hardest or worst becasue I know it isn’t, but I just have zero motivation to deal with it. I wouldn’t mind life being hard if I had some big purpose that I was willing to do anything for, but I don’t. Everything is either pointless or just not for me.
The main reason I’m not seriously considering suicide right now is that I don’t want to hurt anyone. Putting emotions aside, from a practical point of view my family would actually benefit from it if I died, becasue I can’t really get a job anyway no matter how much I try and I’m just draining resources. But I know especially my mom would not take it well at all, and she’s struggling enough already, so I guess I’m just waiting until she dies of old age (which will take a few decades) so I can kill myself without anyone caring. I don’t want that to be my plan, I hate this idea, but I can’t think of a better one.
I apologize for typing too much stuff, this would probably be better to bring up in therapy than here, but I can’t afford a therapist right now. I don’t expect anyone to actually read the whole thing or give me any advice, I just can’t keep it inside anymore and writing it in a notebook is still just keeping it to myself.