Good Afternoon my friend
Thanks so much for taking time to post here and be vulnerable. I think that is often the hardest part.
You mention in your post that you work EMS and drink quite a bit when it isn’t your day for a shift. You’ve mentioned that you understand the effect this is having on your life but also mentioned feeling stuck. Especially since you’re in a new state with no friends.
First, I appreciate you. I appreciate the hard work you do to save lives and help others. You must deal with heavy topics, hard calls, and haunting experiences. So to some degree, I can understand wanting to be a bit more numb between shifts. Especially without friends to spend time with - I can see the days running together. It seems like it would be easy for it to feel like you were always just working. And if your bored, perhaps your mind wonders. Do you feel burdened by the things you see and the people you help?
Regardless, I don’t blame you and am certainly not judging you for how you’re getting through your days.
I can’t say that I understand the job at all. But I can understand the feeling you identified at the end saying “it seems much les stressful to be alone.” i use to feel the exact same way. No drama. No body to let you down or get your hopes up or hurt you. Life is a lot more predictable when you’re only relying on yourself.
I’m 32 years old. I don’t speak to anyone from highschool or college. I work a remote job in a state i moved to a year ago. Outside of my partner, I didn’t know a single soul in this city and rarely felt the need to go out and meet people.
But my partner did. It was important to her to meet people and to have friends and have a community to rely on.
So, we tried. For the last 6 months. we’ve put ourselves out there. Started a new hobby. Started going to a local gameshop. Started making friends that bike. And I feel so embarrassed. For years I’ve held myself back thinking that I didn’t need friends. When I was younger, people were so much the source of my pain that I had convinced myself that I was better off without them. So much so that I didn’t realize that, yes, I was safer, but also life was less enjoyable.
Could any of these people hurt me, betray me, disappoint me? Sure. Absolutely. But the enjoyment that Ive found being around people again - well I’d take that. Can’t enjoy the highs without the lows. How can I appreciate a sunny day without some clouds here and there.
I hope this little rant made some bit of sense. Really, what Im saying, is that perhaps there’s a loneliness that you’re nursing between shifts, when your mind is allowed to wonder.
I could also be super wrong.
Either way, we’re here for you friend. You deserve to feel a fulfilled and happy life. Im proud of you for making small changes like going to the gym (a journey im also on) as well as trying new food and restaurants.
I think you’re doing fantastic. Just be patient with yourself.
Hold fast <3