Idk what to do anymore (tw sexual abuse)

this is hard for me to tell people, hard enough that some of my closest friends only just found out recently. in december, i was sexually assaulted. i don’t want to go into detail for personal reasons and bc i don’t want to upset anyone who may be reading this. it hurts to admit it. it really does. i luckily live far enough away from the man that did it that i never see him. but i think about it all the time. i think about how i could’ve stopped it. how i could’ve done something. but i didn’t.
i just graduated high school (the school where i met my abuser, funny enough) but before i did, i was being sexually harassed (by another person, my abuser dropped out my freshman year). i was embarrassed but i knew i needed to do something about it. so i got the courage to tell my principal. what happened next i will never forget. he told me it doesn’t matter that i was being harassed and that he wouldn’t do anything about it. why? because apparently my brothers friend who openly dislikes me told him that i had assaulted him and that the witness (someone else who hates me) came to him about it. i couldn’t believe what i was hearing. not only was i being denied help, i was being accused of something that i wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. i had to apologize to the person in front of my principal. i even heard the person laugh about how he was going to “ruin my life” (his exact words) by telling people this. he even admitted to lying about it. my brother believes him over me, because i’m “too mentally unstable to be trusted.”
i just got into an argument with my brother and he brought up that i’m “a disgusting predator who should be locked up.” i went to my room and sobbed. i’m still crying as i write this. my family doesn’t know about my assault and this is why. because i’m “unstable.” they wouldn’t believe me. they’d just think i’m looking for attention. after all, that’s what every girl covered in scars who has attempted suicide does, right? does everything for attention?
i’m disgusted. i truly am. the fact that someone can lie and even LAUGH about sexual assault is absolutely disgusting. i live in fear that my abuser will text me or call me and have panic attacks just thinking about him. i know i might see him at warped tour this year (if anyone reading this wants to come say hi i’m going to the wantaugh date) and if i do idk what will happen. he definitely would try something. i’ve asked friends to help me if they see anything (as i am going alone this year) and they agreed to. one is even gonna see if he and his friends can meet up with me so i feel more safe. i have had non stop panic attacks and urges to self harm since finding out he wants to find me at motionless in whites set (miw has been my favorite band for years and he knows this). the fact that i have to live with this fear that he might even talk to me and people will believe someone who lied about me doing something but won’t believe me is baffling. everything about this makes me want to die. i just want the pain to go away. i didn’t even tell my therapist this. i just met my new psychiatrist and since i’m 18 i no longer have to have my mother in the room. i told the psychiatrist and she promised to not tell anyone.
sometimes i wish he had just gone through with it and raped me. then at least i could press charges. but he didn’t. and i can’t. even if i were to press charges, the chances of anyone believing me are slim. i’m really upset and if anyone wants to lie to me and tell me i’m gonna be okay i would really appreciate it.

Dear @halfdeadsiren,
First off, I want to say that everything is going to be alright, and I want to make it clear that that is nothing but the truth. I’m a firm believer in karma, it’s proven time and time again to be real. If you were assaulted, charges can be pressed. Both against the one who assaulted you, as well as the principal.
Looking past this, MIW put on a great show when I went to warped in Holmdel. Look forward to it: it’s a bright side to life.
We love everyone here on HS. You can talk to us, and I’d encourage it, as I find it helps to have a friend or fiends to talk to.

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It has been over 3 years since I have posted here, and this is only my second post. My first post was made the day I was sexually abused. Until now I haven’t been able to bring myself to post anything here since that day. I was 26 and my abuser was 39. He was my friend, ministry partner, and neighbor. I have spent the last three years reclaiming and rebuilding myself. I’ve suffered ptsd, paranoia, depression, anxiety, and a host of other issues as a result of my abuse. I’m not saying this to draw attention away from you and to myself. I’m not trying to compare my scars to yours. I’m simply saying I’m going through the same thing you are. My heart is broken for you because I know the fear you are experiencing. I know the shame, the guilt, and everything else that comes with sexual abuse. I know what it’s like for people not to believe you. None of it is fair to you. Nothing about it makes sense. Most importantly I know that none of it is your fault.

To be practical, I am so thankful that you are talking to a psychiatrist. Having someone who can talk with you as you’re processing this is a big deal. Continue to seek out support because healing can’t happen on your own. Learn to develop new routines and avoid things that may cause you to relive your trauma. There is no “right way” to respond to the trauma you have suffered. It will want to manifest itself in a lot of negative ways, so learn to recognize those and come up with positive alternatives to help you heal. I will be praying for you, if that is alright with you. If there is any more tangible way I can help I would be glad to do what I’m able to for you.

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You are not unstable, you are not untrustworthy or wrong. The fact your brother won’t stand up for you shows how weak he is. You are strong for even bringing this up. Bringing it up to us, us people you’ve never met. We trust you and you obviously trust us or this conversation wouldn’t be happening. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel that this situation has anything to do with you being or doing something wrong. As scary as it is maybe the rest of your family should know. If they don’t get it, once again that doesn’t mean that is
you in the wrong. Sometimes people dont know how to react to things because it is outside if their realm of comfort. If this guy did this to you… why does he get to laugh at it and win? He doesn’t. No one does. You are a living, amazing human. Stand up for yourself no matter how hard it is. You are not alone, and NEVER will be. The beauty you hold in your life and in yourself can help change the world and yourself. You’re already doing that by being open and talking to us, here and now. Hold Fast. We all believe in you because we are all in this together. And if you ever need someone to just talk to, I’ll be here for you. Xo.

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God I am so sorry that happened to you. I know what It feels like to have no one to support you when your backs against the wall and you feel trapped. There is nothing I can say to make It all better or that incident go away. You have definitely have experienced a traumatic event, and It may never go away. I have PTSD. It sounds like you might have It too. Trauma is something that doesn’t perish. And It may never will, It may haunt you for the rest of your life like my personal trauma is doing to me. In time you learn to live with It somehow.

But there are definitely ways to stop this guy from hurting you again. It’s not alright for him to do this to you. Especially if you think he’s trying to attack you. If you fear for your safety, its perfectly fine to come to terms with that and seek help immediately. Whether its from a friend or law enforcement or you seeking ways to defend yourself, It is all justified and he won’t be as powerful as he think he is.

I wish I could be there at the Warped tour date that you’re going to, but I can’t. Im not available and its too far for me. I’d be there to try to help out in anyway I can. I’ve been to hundreds of concerts alone in many different cities. It can be scary at times, and lonely. I’d definitely look for the heartsupport tent at warped if I were you. Talk to someone about what you’re going through there. Best wishes to you darling.

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I know exactly how you feel. I was raped 6 years ago and I still go back and forth in my head about it, but trust me it will fade away. Maybe not completely but it does get better. I saw MIW last night and they put on a great show and I have the bruises to prove it! I hope you have a great time at warped. <3

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Hey @halfdeadsiren,

I’m so, so sorry to hear what happened to you. Know that it is NOT your fault. Having flashbacks on how you could’ve stopped it/could’ve done something is normal and rational, but it is NOT your fault regarding how the low-life guy decided to treat you. He has issues that he needs to sort out.

Congratulations on graduating high school!! That’s a great achievement that you shouldn’t overlook. Be proud of yourself and give yourself a pat on the back!

How your principal decided to handle the situation disgusts me. You don’t deserve any of this. I’m so sorry. Your situation reminds me a little bit of Season 2 from “13 Reasons Why” - maybe the principal tried to downplay the horrific act that was done against you because he made the dumb decision of trying to protect the reputation of the school? I have no idea, but again, this isn’t your fault. Please don’t put it on yourself.

What your brother said is regarded as “words of death” (as opposed to words of life/words of affirmation) - please don’t let those words sink deep into your heart. You will learn to believe whatever you tell yourself, whether it be truths or lies. Your brother spewed lies over you and I need you to combat that with truth. You’re valuable. You deserve so much more. You’re worth it. You deserve the best.

I would highly recommend bringing this up now that your mother isn’t in the room (assuming you aren’t comfortable letting your parents know) AND because your therapist has to legally keep everything you tell him/her confidential (unless it’s regarding self-harm that needs immediate attention).

I’m not sure what your college life will look like, but in my experience, things got SO much better upon moving away to college. If you’re not planning on moving away to college, I would still highly recommend finding your own place with friends. This was a time for healing for me. A time for me to find myself. So I’m not lying to you when I tell you that things will get better and that you will be okay. It’ll just take time, and I need you to hold on. You’re strong and we believe in you! I hope some of this helped.