If only I didn't care what people think as much

Okay, so I grew up with a loving fam. I love them and thank them for shaping me into the person that I am; however, with that said not everyone is perfect and my parents have made mistakes and have their own struggles, I talked briefly in a previous post about some of them. Now, I struggle with BDD, and specifically my weight. For those of you who don’t know what BDD is, it stands for Body Dysmorphic Disorder, it is an obsession with a flaw that is either imagined or minor, it causes me great agony. It makes me have major anxiety and gives me OCD tendencies with the obsession aspect of the illness. I hate how I look & I obess over what I see in the mirror. I grew up with a beautiful and awesome mom, who severely struggles with anxiety. Specificall, germs. She has always made sure we had a very good understanding of cleanliness and proper hygiene. She made sure we washed our hands after every place we went too. After going to a store the first thing we had to do was wash our hands, after school we would get right in the shower. We had hand sanitizer everywhere we went. Her sickness is at the point to where she even wheres doctor masks (the kind that protect you from the flu and bacteria) to stores when we go shopping. She never let us eat fast food, and if we didnt something she considered “dirty” or “unsanitary” she would shame us for it. Now that I am currently twenty years old, I live with my boyfriend of 5 years, and we have our own place. I have habits that grew on me from my mother like keeping the house spotless & organized. My boyfriend & I both work fulltime and are both enrolled in school. Making sure one of us has enough time to keep up with the chores around the house & preparing a meal is not always something that we manage to do. We do occasionally resort to fast-food. Now, with my mom always instilling that fast food is dirty & germy I have developed a sense of shame in getting food out. Whenever we have chinese food, or Chick-fil-A I have to convince my boyfriend to keep it a secret from my mom. It overwhelms me sometimes because my boyfriend thinks I’m crazy for even caring what she thinks and he thinks shes crazy for thinking that way. I am already anxious over what I eat to begin with and having to keep secrets with my mom over us eating fast food is really triggering for me. I don’t know what to do… and it’s been bothering me so much lately.

Hi there friend.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Just the way you are. You were created with good purpose. I know it may hard, but try looking in the mirror each day (more if you need to) and say out loud “I am beautiful just the way i am.” It will help! It may take some time, but perserverance is :ok_hand:.
I understand why your anxiety has built up. It’s completely understandable. Yes it is really good to be clean and keep away from germs as much as we can, but it’s not a good thing when it gives one anxiety and shame. Talk to a counselor or therapist about this and the way it your mom makes you feel.
I would suggest maybe even sitting your mom down for a serious talk. Explain, don’t argue, why it’s okay to get the occasional Chik-fil-a or something. And if you find yourself still a little nervous, hit up some research! Seem how certain (sadly not all of them depending on where your at) do a really good job at making sure they have a clean, safe workspace. Once you do this, i would even suggest showing it to your mom, when and if you would feel comfortable.
Remember that you are responsible for you. Don’t let something in the past control you from living out the present and dreaming for the future. Each day is day to give our fears and anxiety a good kick in the butt and embrace the day we have been given. Make good, healthy choices about what to eat yes, but don’t feel shame for eating fast food. You’ll be okay, you won’t die if it’s occasional and such. You’ll be okay friend, if it’s bothering you that you’re not telling your mom, at least you told her. You can be more. This is your life to live, not hers. Yes make good decisions, but don’t let fear control you. Let your heart be guided by the Light (God). He’ll be there for and with you :slight_smile:
Check out this song :slight_smile: praying for you. Hold fast!


Thank you so much, I will have to give the mirror trick a try. Also thanks for helping me I appreciate it. I am currently in the process of finding a therapist and i will definitely try to do some of these things you have mentioned.