First things first: if you struggle with self-harm, please click off this topic. I’m describing methods used and don’t want people to get any ideas on how to harm themselves. I don’t want to be responsible for people hurting themselves again or getting new ideas to do so.
This might sound like a stupid question, but lately, I’ve been drowning more and more in my negative mind. Some thoughts have started to surface again. Thoughts of wanting to not be alive anymore or that I should harm myself to punish me for all the mistakes I’ve been making.
I’ve tried fighting these thoughts, I’ve tried meditating, distracting myself, talking, trying to do things, set small goals, make small future plans, all the usual coping mechanisms that usually worked. They don’t anymore. Last Monday I hurt myself again, broke open a pencil sharpener, cleaned it with some alcohol, and used it to punish myself for all the mistakes I’ve been making since the beginning of the year. There have been a lot, so it took a while before I was done too. I just needed to and even if there had been someone around I don’t think that they could’ve stopped me from doing it, that’s how strong that urge was. Then afterwards there’s the usual shame and self-hatred, the “if you really don’t want to harm yourself, you wouldn’t have put yourself in a position that made it that easy”… which I actually still think might be true. There’s another thing though, even though I didn’t cut myself open days before then, I stopped eating regularly, I started to wear a hairband around my wrist again so I could cut off the blood supply to my hand, I didn’t shower, I pulled my own hair, put my hand over the candle a bit too long… I was already harming myself again, just without the actual cutting. I did quit for a time but stopped noticing when it started to come back up.
Those feelings and thoughts and then at the same time that irking feeling that I don’t belong in this world. I can’t handle these things. Where I live, I’m alone. And the help I might need is so much more than I can ask for from anyone because it would be unfair to ask from others. Besides, my mask would slip on again and I would pretend that I’m fine, even though I know deep down that I don’t belong.
“But there are professional places that might be able to help, you don’t have to feel guilty for them to do their job.” What if I fuck up that too? What if I take the place of someone that needs it more than I do? What if I waste that time and resource that could’ve gone to someone else?
Right now it’s like there are 2 versions of me.
The one shown to the outside world: having fun with others, trying to be social, pretending they don’t care about what others think of them. They seem to fit in because fitting in is easy, you just change who you are.
And then there’s the version behind the veil. The one who can’t seem to reach beyond it. The one who is never really there because they’re too worried. The one who is doomed to die alone because no one will ever be close enough to see them.
There’s a couple of questions I wanted to ask here.
- Has anyone thought about their own funeral before? What it would look like? Who would come? Written down what should and shouldn’t be done?
- Is it weird that I’m just not hoping for better because that way I can’t be disappointed? Or should I try to hope again? But what if I’ll be disappointed again, I don’t know how long I can do that anymore.
- Is it okay if I just exist in this darkness for a while? Just existing and working, not trying to get out… I really could use that break…
