A couple of years ago, I had finally realized what I’d been experiencing was gender dysphoria, so on Halloween, my was home alone, so I tried on my mom’s dresses, and God it felt so amazing. Before I was done, my parents came home, banging on the bathroom door, I had to open it and I explained myself; hoping for validation, I got my head bit off, and I was told that I can’t be feeling those feeling because I wasn’t old enough (I was a teenager) and it destroyed me, and still does to this day. I’m not allowed home alone still, and when my parents aren’t here, they lock their bedroom door and put up a camera so it never happens again. The worst thing, I have an LGBT+ uncle and my entire family accepts him. I so badly wish I were a girl and would do anything to change it. My parents also treat my brothers way better than me, I’m treated like dogshit; I don’t have a phone, or other electronic device (that they know of) besides the school Chromebook that I’m not even trusted with because I used to watch Youtube (like Minecraft gaming channels) even though I wasn’t supposed to when I was 10-11, and one time when I was 12-13 I got on to the Hub bc I didn’t really know what it was, but hey second chances aren’t real. I’m also not aloud to go out anywhere with my friends; I was volunteering at a fair, and me and my friends walked down the street to get taco bell for 30 minutes WITHOUT PERMISSION (how terrible) because I thought it’d be fine, and I’m still in trouble for that. It’s also like, I’m not a deadbeat, I’m an A honor roll students pretty much a grade above mine in credits, I’m 3rd chair sax player in 26 school districts and 1st in choir, and I’m in NHS/NJHS. And they still wonder why I lash out at them. (btw, when I say my parents I mostly mean my mother) My therapist thinks my parents are toxic, even borderline abusive. The worst part that I haven’t even told my therapist, my mom pretty much verbally abuses me, she’s always telling me that I have no friends, no one like me, everyone hates me, I’m the most disgusting, nasty little kid she’s met (like I said, I’m a teenager) I need to lose weight and exercise (even though I’m a healthy weight according to my doctor and all of my blood tests come back normal, and I work out every other day.) and other shit like that. To add insult to the injury, I have a plethora of conditions, including a life-threatening connective tissue disorder (enough to get me a make-a-wish trip) arthritis, psoriasis, ADHD, and some others (all officially diagnosed with DNA tests, blood tests, and clinical tests.) My arthritis is the worst for me because the pain is so frustrating to deal with, and as soon as I started meds, I felt like I was on cloud nine, but it’s a biologic and weakens the immune system, so any serious bacterial and viral infections can be much worse, such as TB, so you have to stop the medicine, and after I was 2 MONTHS (yeah months, not days or weeks) of being late, guess who tested positive for TB, yeah, lucky me. I fucking hate my mother and I just wish I could have a normal life. And one more thing, I got into this program called GEOForce, which is a pretentious and free geosciences summer camp where they take high schoolers on trips, 9th grade stays in texas, 10th grade goes on a plane to Nevada, California, Utah, and Arizona, 11th grade goes to inactive volcano sites in the Pacific Northwest, mostly Oregon and Washington, and 12th grade does a research project at ut. The crazy thing, 3 kids got full rides to MIT last year, and they give out tons of scholarships to ut, from 2000$ to four year full rides, and my parents are fucking threatening to take it away over the most minor shit, such as I didn’t finish my essay early for a class, but rather the day it was due, and I was told if it happens again, then it’s gone. By the way, my little brother is a devil and my older brother is failing many classes and not turning in work, and he always gets “grounded for months” and he’s ungrounded the next day (although he is slightly autisic) and all of these things that my parents do to me would never happen to my two-faced angels of brother. Fucking Bullshit of a life and I long for the day I get to move out, which is pretty soon I guess. I wish I were adopted or a foster kid. I wish I felt loved and valid.
Welcome to the community MT.
I want to take a moment to really appreciate what you’ve shared and to let you know that you are always welcome to share when you need to.
There’s so much going on in your life right now and it seems like one avalanche just crashing down on top of another. The stress of having your parents out so much pressure on you to keep “performing” for them, because it doesn’t really sound like it’s for your best interest. You mentioned how well you’re doing in school and all the activities you are involved with and I am in awe! Seriously, if nobody has told you this, then let me be the first to say I am so proud of you.
I don’t know why some parents struggle with accepting the efforts of their children. I think at times they blur the line with thinking they are motivating them and wanting the best for them because “I believe you can” into what is unhealthy and unrealistic. Pushing their misconceptions of what failure is and even maybe trying to make up for their own perceived failures.
That doesn’t make any of it okay. Especially when you mention the steps further of the verbal aggression. It must feel so invalidating having someone ignore all you’ve done to just point out in such an aggression and non encouraging manor all the things you’ve “missed”.
I personally hope that you can start to feel safe to share this with your therapist. I know it becomes a little difficult when it comes to perhaps them reporting anything if they feel you are in danger, but it sounds like they have a pretty good idea of your family dynamics and I do hope they can work with you to create plans on how to cope when those moments arise.
Having to cope in a situation in no way means that you deserve to be in that situation, but I do hope that working with your therapist does make it a little easier on you.
It’s a beautiful thing when we can change the dynamics of our family and embrace a chosen family. Having a chosen family is something that is incredibly empowering and I hope as you’re navigating through your busy schedule you have been able to make some interactions with friends.
I can’t imagine being in the pain you’ve been experiencing day to day, I’m so sorry that your family is putting so much pressure on you about your health, when you’re already experiencing what must be at times crippling pain and you’re already
Seeing a dr who can give professional opinions over their generic critiques.
I hope this community can help you feel less alone in all this. You deserve a space to be seen and heard and I know that others in this community will agree with me when I say that. And when I say once again- I am proud of you