Ill try and be brief after my sister died when i w

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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to The Grudge by Tool
I’ll try and be brief. After my sister died when i was 8, my father became abusive to my mother and i. There became this daily fear of the man who might walk through the door, often me listening closely to how loudly he would close the door behind him as a sign of what the hours after the closing of that door would mean. My greatest fear when i left home at 19 was what would happen to my mother with my absence. Visits home revealed his total control. A week after my 21st birthday, at which he lied about his feelings for me in front of friends who knew better, i awoke from a dream realising he was the perfect father. Everything he was, was never someone i would be. To be opposite, in almost every single reaction and interaction, was right. I have failings, of course, but i have never behaved like him with people i love. He has passed. I still hold the grudge, because the grudge was a means of holding defence, to be aware of the possibility, for someone it was impossible to have trust in, who never apologised, and might follow through on their threat of, “Be careful how you sleep tonight”.

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Hi Friend

Thank you so very much for your comment, It cannot have been easy to share that, I am proud of you for doing so.

Having to listen out for that sound of your father closing the door wondering at what sound it was going to make, what level of anger was going to come across must have caused such anxiety and fear, like knowing what to expect but never knowing when its coming, heart pounding fear that you should not have had to go through, no one should especially a young child who had already dealt with the heartbreak of not only losing a sister yourself but experiencing your parents loss too. That is so much for anyone to bear, for a child who is still learning about life it must have been overwhelming and confusing. I am truly sorry for the loss of your sister, and I am sorry that you had to experience all of that.

It is completely understandable that you had that fear at 19 that once you were not there as added support for Mum that he would become more abusive to her, that is a natural fear under the circumstances and it seems he did continue his controlling ways but you broke free and in this circumstance if you were my child, that is exactly what I would have chosen for you – you to get away from the fear, the control and start to live the life you want and not feel bad for doing it, you never chose this, it was chosen for you, you chose to get out, it was a very brave choice.

When you think of how you act around people, how you react and behave I wonder if there is a few feelings that can come through, the relief that you are nothing like that which is wonderful, partly maybe there are genetic reasons you don’t but I believe that but there is also a large element of choice in how we act. Holding a grudge is of course also a choice, usually brought on by fear and anger but If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself completely consumed by bitterness and of course you may think it doesn’t matter now as your father has passed on but any forgiveness you can find now is for you not for anyone else, it is not an easy thing to do but it can be done, only if you want to, this is your story.

You never deserved any of what happened to you, you certainly do not deserve to carry it with you for the rest of your life. Imagine your life without this huge sack of junk, how much lighter you would feel?

Friend I hope some of this has helped a little, I truly wish you all the very best. You are so valued and loved. Lisa.

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Hello friend,

It’s completely understandable that you would harbour a grudge, even after his passing. Holding onto that grudge served as a defense mechanism, a way to protect yourself from further harm and to remind yourself of the kind of person you never wanted to become. You’ve actively chosen to be different, creating your own path, to treat those you love with respect and care, and that’s something to be proud of.

That grudge was like a shield, right? It kept you safe, reminded you of who you didn’t want to be. But now… maybe it’s not as useful anymore?

What if letting go of it could make room for some peace? It’s not about forgiving or forgetting, but about taking back the power those memories have over you.

It’s like… what if you could put them in a box, acknowledge they happened, but not let them run the show anymore?

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Your words have this poetic haunt behind them. You are so very eloquent and I can truely feel the deep power behind how you are feeling and the impact of all the trauma.

The way you reiterate how much of an opposition you are to the person who hurt you is something that is so powerful. I understand how you can use mistreatment to redefine the thing you don’t want yourself to be.
Sometimes it’s so easy to use the trauma and hurt to propel us to hurt others as a means of justification, but you have turned this hurt into a very powerful tool. It’s almost like reclaiming it.
In a sense it’s almost like winning over them by saying “you haven’t stolen my soul”.

I know that healing is a very accessible venture and I know that we don’t have to forgive those who hurt us necessarily, but it helps in our healing to allow ourselves the time of processing and letting them go from our hearts.

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I think anyone in your situation would hold a grudge for what your father put you through and you’re right, even having that anger function as a way to remind yourself of the danger he posed makes sense.

Forgiving is a difficult word when what has been done is so inexcusable; it really has no justification to make someone fear for their safety in the way that he did. I think soming to terms with this sort of trauma is more abou acceptance than forgiveness; accepting what has happened as part of you but also something that has been overcome.

It is very hard to let go of a grudge when someone else has damaged you so greatly, but seeing that pain as part of who you are now might help you on that road to acceptance. It’s helped me. x

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@@HeartSupport @Lisalovesfeathers Thank you for your words, the thing i’m most appreciative of in life is kindness, and words are kind. My grudge was a shield, it was a means of protection in the present, and fore-knowledge of what was likely to occur each day if unguarded. A few years ago i lived in my family home with my mother, again, and discovered a different level of his subterfuge i didn’t know about. I can’t remember what we were specifically talking about, but i remember saying, “Was it like when you and dad wanted me to leave home, and i was going to go and stay with Jess? (my best friend’s mother)”. She looked shocked. In discussions with my father, growing up, he would often say, “Your mother and i think you should…”. “Your mother and i have decided you…”.

It never happened. There was no discussion between my parents about these decisions, let alone a consensus between them about any of this. It was fictional whole-cloth regarding what he wanted, never even talking with her. I was in my late 40’s finding this out, and so the grudge, now different, remains.

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@@HeartSupport @AliceBlue Thank you for the kind words, Alice. It’s hard to describe, but my father wasn’t just hurting me, he wanted to destroy me. When i was 16, and my exam results came in, he told me i should leave school and get a job as a street-sweeper, because i wasn’t bright enough to do anything else. When i was a small child, he had drunkenly told me he would “support what you want to do”. I had to throw his own language back, he would understand, “are you a man of your word?”. He capitulated, but made life even harder afterwards. I have three post-grad degrees (I paid for). He came to my Masters ceremony when i was 30, looked at his feet, shuffled them, and for the first time in my life said, “I’m proud of you”, looking at his feet. I couldn’t help it, i burst out laughing, the man who had threatened to kill me in my sleep when i was 18, and all i could do was laugh, and say, “You’re far too late. Shall we go?”.

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@@HeartSupport @dr_hogarth My held principle as a small child was to prevent my father physically abusing my mother. I responded above, that only in the last few years did i discover that my father’s use of, “Your mother and i think…” was a lie. I only found out 5 years ago (i’m 53) that the punishing ideas i thought my parents held, together of me, was a discussion they never had. He used invoking my mother as a means to reinforce his abuse, but also, obviously, as a means to divide us.

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@Lisalovesfeathers My sister’s name was Lisa.

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