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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Wrong Side of Heaven by Five Finger Death Punch
Im a 57 year old veteran dealing with knowing I loaded hundreds of thousands of pounds of ordinance that created “Shock and Awe” in Iraq after the invasion of Kuwait, not knowing how many people died as a result, 
I live with it daily…
Hi,
Thank you for sharing a small part of what you’re living with here with us. I can’t imagine how heavy that guilt must feel. Being an OIF vet comes with experiences and emotions that so many people can’t fully understand.
From what you wrote, you’ve been through terrible experiences that have left lasting impacts, and those emotions are valid. Talking about it, even when it feels difficult, can be a powerful way to start releasing some of that burden. There are people who want to listen and support you without judgment.
Remember that your experiences, sacrifices, and story matter, and so does your well being. You deserve compassion and understanding, especially from yourself. Take it one day at a time and know that there’s support here for you anonymously. You’re not alone, and there’s hope for finding peace, even when it feels far away.
Take care of yourself
Earle
I’m so sorry that this guilt has been with you, day in and day out. It sounds like it’s carved out a space in your mind, constantly pulling you back to those moments, to the enormity of what you were a part of. You’ve been carrying for so long a boulder that no one else can see. Thank you so much for choosing to talk about it here. I can only imagine how much it must hurt to wonder about the lives impacted by those actions, the questions that haunt you, and the what-if questions that might not have any answer.
While I haven’t lived your experience, I imagine that the guilt you’ve been carrying since then might feel like a constant shadow behind you, whispering doubts and regrets, making it hard to find peace and embrace life to the fullest. It’s so hard to feel like carrying guilt and regrets for things you had no control over. You were doing your duty, following orders in a system much bigger than any one person. And yet the weight of those decisions still feels personal, for you still have to live with it. It must be hard to describe this burden, for people to fully understand it too. Know that we hear everything you have shared here. We see you.
I see your humanity in how deeply you feel this. In how much you care. In these questions you keep asking yourself and the emotions it creates in you. It’s a sign of someone with an incredible heart. It means you value life, you value people, and you don’t take what happened lightly. That’s not weakness, my friend. That’s strength. That’s profound, authentic humanity.
It’s understandable and okay to feel the guilt of it all. Although I hope, in th emidst of this, that you can also give yourself compassion. You were part of something bigger than you as a person. You did what you were asked to do in circumstances that were beyond your control. I hope, if you’re open to it, that you can find ways to process this. Maybe through talking with others who’ve carried similar burdens, or even through quiet moments of reflection where you allow yourself to feel, to heal, to forgive. You deserve to feel peace in your heart, my friend.
For what it’s worth from a stranger like me, I see in you someone who’s trying their best to carry something so painful. Not a monster, not a bad person. Only a human being trying to push through and find their way while carrying such a heavy wieght on their shoulders.
Hold Fast.
-Marie-Anne