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I'm a disappointment and want to give up (tw: speaking about self-harm)

It feels like I really need to hurt again. I’ve been wanting to do that for the longest time again and even though I’m in therapy, sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it works. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know how to keep everything together, and I feel like a huge bother to my friends who are also going through a rough time.
I’ve not been sleeping well and when I do I keep on having nightmares… and even though I know that I shouldn’t, I just want to harm again… grabbing a knife… putting it in my belly and scraping out everything that is ugly, that is dirty, that is too much… I just want to clean it all… then move over to the all the other parts of my body that are too much…

I just want a break. A break from these thoughts, a break from me, and also a break from being just stuck with all of this. Yes I know I should have other thoughts fighting this, but it’s exhausting to keep on telling myself that I have to accept myself for the way I look, the way I am and that the way I am is okay while I don’t feel like that is true…
I just don’t know if I can do this anymore… I’m sorry for everyone I disappointed… it’s like everything else I’ve tried… I just end up failing in the end, wondering if I even tried enough…
I’m sorry to be a disappointment, I’m sorry for not trying harder, I’m sorry for everything…

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I feel you man, I self harm last night and it feel it never ending battle to get better. It’s hard to fights those mess up thoughts and feelings. I’m sorry you have go through this, it was okay not to be perfect. Please don’t give up on yourself, I know it hard.

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I’m really sorry to hear that. Yeah, it totally feels like it’s an ongoing battle that I just can’t win… because some days the thoughts get really intense…
I hope you don’t give up on yourself either, even though it’s hard. You are valuable!

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