It feels like I really need to hurt again. I’ve been wanting to do that for the longest time again and even though I’m in therapy, sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it works. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know how to keep everything together, and I feel like a huge bother to my friends who are also going through a rough time.
I’ve not been sleeping well and when I do I keep on having nightmares… and even though I know that I shouldn’t, I just want to harm again… grabbing a knife… putting it in my belly and scraping out everything that is ugly, that is dirty, that is too much… I just want to clean it all… then move over to the all the other parts of my body that are too much…
I just want a break. A break from these thoughts, a break from me, and also a break from being just stuck with all of this. Yes I know I should have other thoughts fighting this, but it’s exhausting to keep on telling myself that I have to accept myself for the way I look, the way I am and that the way I am is okay while I don’t feel like that is true…
I just don’t know if I can do this anymore… I’m sorry for everyone I disappointed… it’s like everything else I’ve tried… I just end up failing in the end, wondering if I even tried enough…
I’m sorry to be a disappointment, I’m sorry for not trying harder, I’m sorry for everything…