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I'm a dissapointment

I really don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m extremely stressed out about everything and I feel as if I can’t escape. You see, I’m a freshman taking all honors classes along with AP classes as well. Most would see this as an accomplishment, but my parents don’t. And the thing is, I don’t want to take all of these classes and I don’t want to take any of these classes. My family labels me as a disappointment and all I seek is their approval. Ever since 4th grade, I’ve been taking honors classes and advanced classes to get that one single approvement from my parents. But it hasn’t happened. So far, I’ve tried to end my life five times so far just to get out of this hell-hole. Yet every time I’ve tried to do so, I realized that that would make me a bigger disappointment than I already am. It’s studying all day every day for me, with no time for friends, family, or anything for that matter, not even self-care. All I’ve ever wanted in life was that simple “I’m so proud of you” from my parents. Not a car, not a fancy thing, not any objects, just those words. And I cry a lot, from all the stress I’ve been getting and my parents ground me for crying, but not for anything else. But what they don’t realize is that I’m doing this for them. Not for my own self, simply and truly for them. And here I am, writing out all my feelings into this measly paragraph. I could be going to get help, but what would that do? Anything and everything that I do leads back to them, with me getting turned down each time. Anyhoo, I want to thank anyone who’s reading this, and all I ask from you is to realize your self-worth. <3

Hi @xxRespect.My.Drip.Karen, much love for you.

I’m sorry you’re under such pressure right now and I hope there are things you can do in your everyday life to reduce this level of stress, even temporarily (sometimes watching a good movie, wrapped in a plaid while drinking a soothing hot chocolate feels good :slight_smile: ).

I’m just a random woman writing this to you from an other part of the world, but I wanted to tell you that I’m so proud of you. You are very dedicated, especially to your parents, through your actions. I really thank you for letting us see this part of yourself. Also, I’m proud of you for your classes. I had to google it to know what it is and I’m really impressed. Sometimes you have to hold on in your studies because it can require a high level of personal investment. So, whether the decision to follow these courses is yours or not, you have already been very courageous and strong to continue until then.

I’m sorry your parents are not aware of everything you do and the realities you’re going through. It’s not a fair situation and what you expect from them is totally justified. We all need recognition at certain times in our lives, to feel encouraged and valued, especially from our parents. We expect them to, sometimes, express encouragement and a sense of pride for who we are. Also, they should have supported you more than anything else when you cried and felt bad. You have the right to cry, to have emotions. You have the right not to be perfect and not to please everyone. And if the fact that you can cry displeases them, then this must remain their problem.

I recognize myself in some elements that you described. In my family, my brother & sister have always had very heated relationships with my parents because their life choices didn’t please them. Being the last of the siblings, I’ve tried to become “perfect” in their eyes during too many years, to the point of denying myself completely. I felt that since the relationship between them and my siblings was difficult, I didn’t have a say and I felt like I had to make up for the situation. It meant having good grades at school, never failing, putting too much pressure on myself and trying to make them proud. But for them, what I did was never enough. And then I fell into depression during my studies, which forced me to reconsider all that, the choices I made - or thought I was supposed to. I don’t want you to get to that point. It’s been several times since you wanted to leave this world but you are valuable and precious. The first time was already too much, and I thank you for still being here today.

The situation you’re living right now is indeed difficult, but it can be turned into something very positive for you. You’ve already reached to the point of making an important observation: something is dysfunctional between your parents and you, the situation is not satisfying for you and, worse, it’s hurting you. You may be seeing the beginning of a transition in your life right now, and it starts with this kind of awareness. Changes seem more than necessary because your life shouldn’t be reduced to what your parents (or others) think of you. What they think of you is one thing, but the importance you’re giving to that is another. In other words, you can’t force them to tell you the words you’re waiting for, but you still have control over the degree of importance you give to it, whether to let it affect you or not. Your parents gave you birth, but that doesn’t mean you have a debt to them or that you should absolutely please them.

The first person to be proud of who you are in this world must be you. It doesn’t mean that advices from those you love doesn’t count, but sometimes you have to build a small carapace around yourself to be able to sort between what makes you feel good and what hurts you. The choices you make in your life must be yours above all. They have to make sense for you, in order to carry you, to make you feel better. If you force yourself to do something you don’t like, you won’t be able to flourish as you should. And you deserve to feel good, to feel loved and accomplished.

It’s likely that in the future you will have to start thinking about a new strategy. To reconsider your choices that are, in fact not really yours. Focus on yourself, on who you are and what you want. Take time on a daily basis for you, to take care of yourself. You’ve got the right to have moments of rest. It can take time, and I’m not saying that you have to make that decisions on a whim. You need to be safe too, psychologically and financially. But building a new life dynamic woud be the best for you right now. Sometimes setting goals helps you get through things you don’t like in the present moment, because you know you’re going to get to something else, something better. But the truth is, your parents are not going to live this life for you. Even if they can’t help but having their say on what you’re doing, even if they can be hurtful, they won’t be in your shoes in 10, 20, 30 years.

I believe in you, friend. You are brave and you have a lot of strengths. :two_hearts:

(sorry for the long post, guess I’m just really talkative :wink:).

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@xxRespect.My.Drip.Karen
Hi! I just read your post. Thank you for sharing! :relaxed: I struggle with speaking honestly about what I’m struggling with, so reading your post and seeing your open vulnerability showed me the bravery and strength that takes. That’s something I really admire, and something to be proud of :heart:

I really feel for your situation. I’ll try to help by saying that who you are, who you want to be, who you might turn into, these are all wonderful and valuable in their own right. A weight lifted off of my shoulders when I realised that I was never going to be what my parents wanted me to be, and that that’s okay. Their expectations are about them, not you. The one person you know will be around with you your whole life is yourself, and so I think it’s fair that you have final control over.

For me, when I finally took control, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. But I liked to go on walks, so every night I would go for a walk at the park near my house and look at the stars. It was just one thing that I wanted to do for myself, for no other reason than that I liked it. And it helped! If that resonates with you, find something you like and just do it. Maybe it’ll help you too.

One last thing - thoughts about ending your life are serious, and so, so, so very terrible to have to deal with alone. If you can speak to someone professionally, I promise they will do their best to help you. I get the impression it wouldn’t be easy to talk to a professional without your parents knowing, and from your post I could see that as a challenge. Talking to people on here is already a big step! I think that therapy is the best thing for healing that lasts. Maybe you could reach out to a counselor or teacher at school?

Thank you for your post, have a wonderful day :heart:

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