This will be a long one so please bare with me.
to start off I’m 32 years old (turning 33 next month) and am high end autistic (aspergers) and have undiagnosed depression. I got my first job january of last year and i’m an aspiring twitch streamer. I have few offline friends who i maybe see twice a year at best. I get to see my girlfriend once a year as we live in different states.
The thing is i am very open about my emotions and how i feel which upsets people. Too many people find me overwhelming and are put off by that. I try to be friendly and caring but people get upset with me. My eagerness to make friends and spend time with them has pushed away a lot of people to the point they have either blocked me online or outright banned me from streams, discords, and servers. I’ve been abandoned by people i considered friends so much in life that i’ve sort of developed a complex where i feel i have to shower them with gifts and praise just so they don’t leave me. this leads again to them feeling overwhelmed which starts the whole loop over again. I’ve actually told people not to gift me anything back cuz I just want to give to them but this has made people think i’m trying to pull reverse psychology when i’m not. On top of that I’ve never felt jealously EVER in life until the past year in an incident with my girlfriend (which we semi resolved) and once this past month which ended up making a lot of my twitch friends get annoyed with me and hasresulted in me getting banned from one friend’s channel and risking being banned from another’s. This has caused me to question if I’m a toxic person or not and if i should even bother trying to make friends anymore. I’ve been told to go see a therapist, but due to my insurance I can’t afford one as I also have tourettes which prevents me from driving and I have to rely on my dad to drive me places. Another thing that is causing me to get more depressed is my awful job which I can’t quit as they are the ONLY ones who would hire me in all my years of job hunting. My job has gotten me so stressed and upset that there’s some days when I’m pushing carts on lot I wish a speeding car would hit me. It gets so bad sometimes I lay in bed at night wondering if people online would even know if i were to die. I’ve never felt I’ve done anything nor will do anything worthwhile in life. when i was in 5th grade and diagnosed with tourettes, a priest told my parents i should be locked up and kept from socity. i’m starting to question if he was right.