Im a obsessed lonely mess

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1

this is basically me ranting about how abnormal i am.

these last couple of months have been something. its been an up and down spiral of happy days, sad days, and just pointless ones. basically, i failed my last grade and am retaking it this year which is very sad for me to do knowing that im so stupid to even fail a grade. i was very very depressed last year and i am doing a lot better considering i am retaking my grade online, but there is still this empty void in me. i have been a lot happier and all, but i still feel like a failure and i still feel very lonely. i have no friends except 5 people on instagram who i have been friends with for about a year now but our interests have changed a lot and we really cant communicate like we used to. i’ll video call them once in a while but its just not the same. so hypothetically i have 0 friends. i lost all my real life friends because they pulled some stupid shit AND i moved from that school. people say they are lonely when they have at least 2 friends but i actually have 0 fucking friends except for my dogs and my family :(. another problem i have that makes me more of a fuck up is that i get so lonely to the point where i will literally get obsessed with a famous person who doesnt even really know i exist, and the bad part of it is that i will literally have conversations with a picture of them like its a real person, i will talk about the person 24/7 etc. i also get upset when they are upset and i will feel like they are rejecting me when ive only met them once and they barely even talked to me, i will cry for hours listening to love songs/breakup songs relating them to my fake relationships with celebrities. i know i do that because i am very lonely and i have never had a bf/gf, so i will resort to pretending to have a relationship with a celeb im infatuated with.

something to add to my toxic obsessions are that i have been spending almost every penny i have on seeing the artists im obsessed with. no, not just local concerts, ones OUT OF STATE!!! its seriously turned to a addiction. ive been entering every single radio show contest for tickets, i get CRUSHED everytime i cant see the band in another state. when i meet the artists i feel so happy when they smile at me, hug me, tell me they love me. and thats because nobody but my family will ever do that for me. i have extreme social anxiety and i have for about 7 years, i cant go outside because im scared i will see a kid from my old school, im scared i will be kidnapped, and thats the reason i cant go out and make friends. because im scared of the outside world unless its for a concert or going out to eat my feelings away. i really wish i knew why i was so abnormal. ive never really had friends and ive always had anxiety so ive been obsessing over random people for like 7 years straight.
can somebody PLEASE tell me whats wrong with me???

2

Hey there friend,

Let me say this first: you may have flaws but that makes you human, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you’re less of a person.

I’m sorry to hear about your lack of friends. It may be challenging at the start but I’m sure you can make some! You can try finding people who share the same interests as you (like the celebrities you like) online or irl. I found that joining a club or participating in an after school activity (if you’re still in school) is a really great way to make friends. Also, if you’re not in school, you can look at your local gym for some type of weekly activity, like yoga or a sport. The benefit of joining a group like that is that it’s usually a small amount of people who are most of the time very friendly and they’re usually weekly events!

However, making friends does require stepping outside of your comfort zone a bit. Take it step by step; overcoming insecurity is a process. Maybe challenge yourself to go outside shopping for a little bit and see how you feel. But I promise you, you’ll eventually make friends and it will feel great. Also don’t be afraid to rely on your family/pets for support, there’s no shame in that.
Finally, there’s no shame in liking a celebrity, so don’t feel as if you have to stop completely. However taking some of that energy you out for celebrities and putting it forth to make connections may be beneficial for you. Now I’m not saying that you have to be extroverted all the time or anything; it’s perfectly normal to have days where you don’t want to go out.

Best of luck,

  • M