So, my fiance and I, we had our son march of last year. And I love him. Truly, I do. He’s my son. And I’m never going to abandon him or anything of the sort. I know this. However, for the past several months, I’ve felt no emotional connection to him at all. I look at him and I feel, well, nothing honestly. More often than not it doesn’t even really feel like he’s MY child. I don’t know why. I don’t really feel an emotional connection to her either. I look at either of them and I just see people, nothing more. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel anything towards them. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I know everyone says you’ll never truly be ready to take on the responsibility of a child and a family but I feel like maybe I just took on more than I was ready for here. I don’t know how to go about handling this. Do I call it quits? Do I space out and take a break? I’m a stay at home dad, and the more time I spend with them, the less I want to be around them. Not because I hate them or resent them or anything like that. I just find myself wanting time to myself a lot. And the way our schedules line up, I never ever get that. And spending time with them feels more like a chore than anything now. I have no urge to cuddle or be lovey or romantic or anything. I don’t have friends or anyone outside the house I can hang out with (that’s a whole other post entirely), we only have one vehicle between us even if I did. Idk, I kinda wanna just…go away for a while. And I don’t know how to tell her this because, based on last experiences with being honest about my feelings, it’s gonna escalate into an argument and honestly I don’t have the energy or the patience to argue anymore. And so I’ve been keeping this to myself for a while now. I’m feeling suffocated, I guess. I’m like physically unable to emotionally invest in my family, and I don’t know why. This sucks.
I have a few questions to ask just to gauge where you’re at and what’s going on, so I hope I don’t upset or offend you in anyway.
- Is what your relationship is like with your family? Sometimes it’s hard to know how to express and feel about the family we choose to love when our own blood family has abandoned or hurt us. It’s hard to know what a father figure is meant to look like when one hasn’t been displayed.
- What’s your mental health been like? Anxiety, depression ect. Often affects our feelings and emotions. Even when we love someone, it can feel numbing. And if you have high functioning anxiety then the confusion just intensifies. It’s like you’re doing the right things but the pay off doesn’t feel that great.
Have you and your partner ever done couples therapy? I feel like it would give you the space to be able to express your feelings with someone to intervene should they get upset or defensive. She may not fully understand that mental health struggle isn’t a personal attack on anyone else. You can’t help feeling how you feel, but I’d hate to see you walk away and still have no resolve. If things can get better that should be worth the chance. You’re not a sociopath, I promise. The fact that you’re taking about this and concerned about it proves that.
hi there,
you sound like it’s a full time job without any breaks, and with no emotional release.
when she gets home, do you ever have some time to yourself alone while she plays with baby, takes over feedings, or anything like that?
Bimini has an excellent idea, have someone to mediate would be helpful if having a conversation with her is difficult.
it sounds like you do need some help and some breaks to be able to care for yourself as well. what does your daily schedule roughly look like?
“A “sociopath” has little regard for another person’s emotions, rights, or experiences . They lack remorse for their actions, and they act in ways that show no regard for others, including lying, cheating, and manipulating. Some people with this condition aren’t very sly about their conduct. Others are quite deceptive.” ← from Google
I’m a parent and I can relate to some of what you’ve written, but what you are going thru doesn’t make you a sociopath. We get tired as parents, we need breaks and we need to put time aside for ourselves. You can’t go hard 24/7 all the time or you’ll burn out.
When you don’t make time for yourself and take care of your own needs, you start to resent your kids. I get that totally. Maybe get a babysitter and take your partner out on a date and reconnect. That helps too. I know she has BPD (so do I) and that makes things more complicated, but if you can just sit her down and talk calmly and just tell he how you feel, it might actually help. I can’t speak for her but if it was me, I would listen. It’s when we get criticized or feel like we’re going to be abandoned or rejected that we tend to get moody. I would want my partner to be honest with me, keeping things from me just makes it worse.
Take care!
Even when she gets home from work, she still expects me to help with the baby. But my daily schedule is, I wake up at like 7 or 8 am because baby is an early riser, I take him downstairs and make him breakfast so she can sleep since she gets off at like 2 am. Then I watch him and everything until she comes down at 11 and helps out with him. Around 12 or 1 she starts getting ready for work and it’s back to me watching him by myself. She leaves for work at 2 pm, and then I’m with him from them until she gets off. He goes to sleep at around 11 every night depending on how hyper he is, it’s been as late as 1 some nights. Then she comes home, I’m still mostly taking care of the baby and getting him everything because he usually wakes up when she comes through the door. I don’t really mind it since I know she’s exhausted from working 12 hours. Then we hang out for a bit and we all head up stairs and go to bed at 3.
It is a full time job honestly. I used to enjoy it since I’m horrible at actual full time jobs due to my mental health. She’s mentioned wanting me to get a weekend shift where she works so we bring in more money and get our own place that much faster. And it’s a sound plan, don’t get me wrong. But I do think it’s a horrible idea since spending every day with him all week is exhausting as it is. I literally have no chance to put in time for myself unless the baby is sleeping. Which is like a few hours out of the day. And I spend it all playing video games because honestly I have no desire to be present in reality anymore. I’m also spending way too much time on my phone for that reason as well. I hate to say it but I’m kinda tired of being a parent. It’s not fun anymore. I don’t enjoy it.
Hey @yallmindifiuwu,
Thank you so much for reaching out today. It sounds that you are really overwhelmed, if not burned out already. Being a sociopath would surely be different - it is obvious that you care for your family and you don’t want to hurt them. I can only imagine how conflicting it must be for you to feel that way - between your partner’s expectations, your child’s expectations and your expectations towards yourself, with your personal ideal of how it is to be a parent. I am not a parent myself, but I can tell that parenting is far from being a peaceful road at time and that how you feel is absolutely valid.
Based on what you described, it sounds that your partner and you need to discuss and adjust your parenting strategy, which may include asking help from a professional. Being a parent is a game changer that forces you to adapt your entire life. It’s okay to have a hard time with it, even to the point of feeling numb because the stress it brings is jut too much. It’s also okay to ask for help if necessary. Does you or your fiance have family members who could help you a bit? Having the possibility to have a day or an evening just for you, to do something that will break your routine of parents and during which you’d treat yourself? It sounds that there is a need for you to progressively recreate some balance and harmony between others needs and yours. Yes, being a parent is a full time job, but it can be handled so you are not actively parenting full time.
Do you do things for yourself (besides distractions like video games)? Things you really used to enjoy and brings you some kind of pleasure? It may feel selfish at first to try, but with proper communication and planification with your fiance, it may be possible to relearn to take care of yourself too. You are important. You don’t owe only to your family to treat yourself well - you owe it to yourself first and foremost. It may take the shape of therapy as well if you feel like this could be a good step to take. But overall, please make sure to not stay alone, to communicate your needs, and to intentionally spend moments throughout the days, or week, with and for yourself. Could it be a short walk in nature, getting a tasty coffee in a coffee shop, having a massage… you name it. Your needs matter, my friend. 
From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ
Hi Friend, One thing that might help you have some free time is to establish a bed time for your child. My son would go down at 7pm when he was your son’s age and we did the “let them cry” thing where they learn to self sooth and fall asleep on their own. It really was a game changer for me. You could have a few hours to yourself each night to recharge. Hope this helps.
From: susieqzz
I completely 100% understand and validate everything you are saying. I’m a stay at home mom and have felt that way before (in the original post, just checking out emotionally and not feeling anything) and in your response.
Parent burnout is a real thing! We need time to ourselves, and not just time inside the house doing our own thing but physically getting out of the house and doing something alone is necessary. I know when I try to do things for myself at home, I’m constantly still on alert about things going on in the other room. It helps to actually get out and do your own thing, even if you are alone and not with friends. Go to the coffee shop and sit on your phone or laptop for a bit. Go for a hike or a walk. Anything.
It sounds like you are in the super early stages of parenthood still, and it’s HARD. Those first few years are tough as we adjust to a new “normal” and try to get our footing on things. I promise it will get easier. But it’s also important to establish set routines and have the open communication with our second half, too. Voice your needs and concerns, in a constructive way so as not to accidentally come off accusatory of your partner.
I strongly encourage you to find your “thing” and spend time to yourself. You are not a bad parent or a sociopath for feeling the things you feel, it’s all completely normal for someone who is burned out. Hang in there, we are here for you if you need to talk still!
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hi Friend, Thank you for your post, I dont think for a moment you are a sociopath, I think you are a new father with a lot on his plate who probably just needs to work on finding a routine and you will and then you will also be able to find time to do things for yourself and by yourself if that is what you choose or you could be going out with your partner. Having a child is a massive change in anyones life but the only name you need give yourself is Dad not sociopath. Take a breath, take a few and give yourself and your partner a bit of grace. Its still early days. much Love Lisa x
I am not a parent so I cannot even begin to imagine the struggle. But I know that when I am completely burned out and exhausted I also get emotionally numb. It doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore or that I get mean or anything, just that my feelings go in hibernation mode for a while. They are still there, just resting.
To me it sounds like you are really overworked and don’t have time or peace and quiet for yourself. Honestly I find it understandable and I’m sure you’re not the only parent who has felt that way at one point or another. As you said, you love your partner and your son, you just cannot really feel or express it at the moment due to exhaustion. But I’m sure a solution to this can be found somehow.
Maybe you can try to talk with your fiancé about it in a way that doesn’t cause a fight/argument and she won’t misunderstand. Try asking her if she can take care of your son for half an hour or so after she comes home, you could take a walk alone to clear your head and take a breath. I’m sure there are possibilities to compromise. Or you could try to find a babysitter for an evening where you both can try to relax and spend time together without pressure.
One more thing that came to mind is the fact that postpartum depressions are not restricted to women, fathers can get them as well. And I am not a professional, but in my opinion you are certainly not a sociopath. They would not have cared enough to write such a post. I am sure you are a great dad, don’t feel guilty for being exhausted and I wish you all the best for the future.
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