Hey @briejch,
Thank you so much for being here and for sharing all of this. It takes a lot of strength to share about a difficult situation with our parents in such a humble and caring way.
The way you describe the situation with your mom reminds me a lot of how it was between my own mom and my sister when she was your age. Just like you, we grew up with a mom who is emotionally immature. She could be kind, loving, supportive somehow, but other times she would have intense reactions of sadness or anger when she was upset. She happened to be violent both verbally and physically during those moments. I can’t count the amount of times I had to hold her in my arms to comfort her when she had an argument with someone, just like a parent would do with their child, except that I was the child and her the parent. I’d also comfort my sister when she was the one who was hurt.
Good days or normal days would happen more often though. But it’s not really a matter of how many days of peace we have. It’s more about how much it hurts when a parent says or does something hurtful to us. It’s the intensity of our feelings that remain, which is shown here by the fact that, for example, you remember clearly what she told you in the past. And indeed, those were some very, very violent words.
As children, when we grow up with mixed messages between love and hate, we often internalize the need to please our parent because it seems to be the only way to be loved and not hurt. On the other hand, we can also express a lot of anger because we feel unheard, unnoticed or misunderstood.
Just like you, my sister expressed a lot of anger with our mom when she was a teenager, and they had some pretty violent arguments at the time with things that no one should ever say to someone else. For example I remember my mom telling my sister that she was crazy and good to go in an asylum while my sister would scream at her and call her names. At the moment, the real issue wasn’t about her grades, or the dishes that weren’t washed or our bedroom that wasn’t cleaned. It was deeper. It came from things that were a lot more hurtful for my sister but she couldn’t find a way to express it… just like our mom wasn’t able to listen and face her responsibility for my sister’s distress. So with time, communication between them two was broken.
Communication can become very complex, especially when hurt happened and forgiveness seems impossible (or is not allowed). Yet you still have to live together for now, to handle daily life, and that’s when things can collapse easily. It’s like walking on a minefield. The environment itself is already difficult to approach and an argument can be triggered easily.
You’re not a bad daughter, really. The situation is complex, and it takes two people to make a relationship. I hear the love that you have for your mom and you’re aware of her own difficulties. You sound very mature and you have a very thoughtful way to express yourself. And as this is only a very small view of your relationship, I’d never allow myself to judge you or your mom. But we can still acknowledge an attitude that would be wrong without implying that a person would be a bad person.
There is a level of demands and expectations that’s different when you’re a parent and when you’re a child. Even when things are difficult, and even if parents are not perfect, you’re right by saying this, they still have to be an example of safety, someone that their children can rely on and talk to. And being that example also includes communication. Here, the example you’ve received by your mom in the way she interacts with you doesn’t seem to be healthy. It’s not okay for her to humiliate you, or ignore you, or use her position to make you beg her. That’s manipulation. And maybe she doesn’t do it on purpose. Maybe that’s how she learned to interact with her own family before you. But she’s a parent now, and not a child anymore.
As a parent, she should be able to make a step in your direction, to listen to you and, if you really made a mistake, to help you acknowledge it so you can learn from it. Gaslighting you is the opposite of this. The only result is, in the long run, to make you feel like there would be something wrong with you and that’s a very damaging consequence. Though I get that feeling. It’s like no matter how hard you try, it never seems to be enough or appropriate… So for you, it manifests through anger and you’re aware that it may not be the right attitude. But I also want you to know that this response that you have is valid and understandable regarding the circumstances. Right now, it sounds that you have a good understanding of the situation, but not your mom, and that’s where the problem is.
Again, you’re not a bad daughter. Just because the reason for your existence is not to make your mom happy. If she cries easily, if she has a hard time to manage her emotions, then it is, as an adult and as a parent, her responsibility to seek help like with seeing a therapist. My mom personally never asked for help unless she was forced to, once, but she would stay silent in the psychiatrist’s office, so it was really for nothing. I know it’s really hard and damaging in the long run when your own parents are not helping themselves and when you feel this heavy burden of having to make them happy, to make sure they feel okay and nothing in your behavior would trigger anything wrong for them. But it really sounds that your mom has her own issues, and those issues have nothing to do with you, even if she tells you that it’s on you. Her behavior has an impact on you, and it creates a vicious cycle in the way you interact together.
I believe the fact you have bad anger management issues is understandable and makes perfectly sense. By learning to get rid of the shame and guilt that you’re expressing here, at your own pace, you’ll learn to gain a deeper perspective of the situation and to internalize less the responsibility.
Those cycles of peace/arguments don’t have to remain the same forever though. But it will certainly require some honest discussion about how you both feel. And not a discussion where each person accuses the other one, but a conversation where everyone can talk and be heard in return. Sometimes, we need a third party for this, such as a therapist who can provide a space that would be neutral for everyone. I’m not sure if you and her would be ready to consider this possibility though, but that’s truly what I wish for both of you in times to come. You both need space, healing, healthier ways to communicate, which requires a certain amount of vulnerability and willingness on both ends.
Right now, you’ve just made a step in that direction by sharing all of this. It takes a lot of humility to do this, and I want you to be proud of yourself for sharing your heart as you did here. It is very mature of you.