I'm at school right now [TW: Self Harm]

40 cuts cover my arms, wrists, and hands, and I had to cover up 3 of the newer ones with bandaids because they were too visible, and I was afraid someone was going to see and maybe say something. I’ve already thought out what I’d do if someone reported me to guidance for self-harm. The best thing I could do is tell my counselor that my parents know and I have a therapist trying to help me out. I don’t know it’s sort of stressing me out. Because If I move in a certain way that I need to, someone could easily see if they’re looking. My cuts on my thighs are completely covered so I don’t have to worry about those. Even though I’m in school my mind is just racing, about everything that’s been going on lately, even about the things ill be doing when I get home, like talk to my boyfriend, who told me recently that he tried cutting himself a while back. And I can’t really do anything about it other than just being there for him, as a person to talk to. I know it’s my fault though, that he cut himself. I think that because if it wasn’t for my awful self being in his life in the first place (not that I don’t want to be in his life) he wouldn’t have wanted to do it I bet. Here’s another thing I’m thinking about right now… My boyfriend tells me all the time that I mean everything to him, and that I’m important to him, but I don’t understand it, even though he means that to me and more. I simply just don’t understand how someone could love me or think I’m amazing, important, or beautiful. I just don’t get it. I wish I did though because it would make me happier by a ton.

4 Likes

I don’t know you personally, but I KNOW your life matters. You are so deserving of love, happiness, and respect. Your heart is beautiful, I can tell by how you talk about how much you care for your boyfriend. You’re so important and amazing!! I believe in you and look forward to the day I see a post form you about finding self love. Take care of yourself and be gentle- you are a human being that is hurting. It is ok to not be ok! Your life matters regardless of that! Sending you love and light!

1 Like

From: kilo_predator

Its hard to see things through this filter we have over our eyes during times of distress and sadness. I would even say that its almost impossible, but there is some part of you that wants help and is taking the very first steps to reach out and seek help. I am proud of you for this, follow these baby steps keep taking steps forward, You’ve already made a huge milestone just by making this post here and now were talking about it now. Believe me when I say you are strong.

1 Like

Please put a trigger warning for self-harm. When I see people talking about it it makes me feel like joining.

1 Like

done :hrtseemsdan: Thanks for pointing that out.

2 Likes

From: ultradoug_e

Thats a struggle I have too, trying to love yourself and see yourself worth being loved. It’s hard to fathom that your actions can effect other people too, and it’s a lot of pressure. We spend our lives trying to be good enough. It’s hard to build love upon strength when you’re scared. I know it’s difficult because it requires us to be vulnerable, it requires us to be in clear view and no one wants to be completely exposed. Sometimes it can feel safer to be in the dark.

1 Like

Hey Ashley
I understand these feelings to a degree for sure and I’m sorry you feel like you have to cut. I’ve looked at your other posts to learn more of your story and I’m sorry you feel like these scars and cuts are shameful and terrible, that you feel like your family doesn’t care.

I can tell you right now, you are beautiful, you may not see it but you are. You may only see your cracks but there is so much more to you, I personally may not know them but I can tell they’re there your boyfriend sees it. You love your boyfriend and want to support him through his pain, he feels the same for you and it’s hard to see.

It’s not your fault your partner has hurt himself, there are other things and it’s amazing you’re helping him as much as you can, being there to talk can be enough just one person can make a change. So take time and heal together and grow together to become stronger. I know it will be hard and a struggle but take small steps if you have too.

You are strong and beautiful and you do not deserve your pain at all and you are not a shame for this.

I believe in you and I’m proud of you.
You got this, Hold fast.

2 Likes

Hey @brokenglass,

Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing all of this. :hrtlegolove:

I’ve already thought out what I’d do if someone reported me to guidance for self-harm. The best thing I could do is tell my counselor that my parents know and I have a therapist trying to help me out. I don’t know it’s sort of stressing me out.

It makes sense to feel how you feel. Self-harm is so misunderstood and people easily judge what they don’t understand. Although there is no shame to have, really. Despite the cuts, despite the pain, you are beautiful as you are. This is a coping mechanism to you. A way to deal with painful situations and emotions. It doesn’t make you weak, ugly, guilty in any way.

Somehow a way to overcome your fears would be to actually take control of the situation and reach out on your own terms. I’m not telling you what to do. But I can easily imagine that hiding your body, hiding yourself, feels very uncomfortable and makes your life really difficult. How would it be if you decided to reach out to your parents, or your school counselor, or a therapist? From an outsider perspective, I believe that would be a beautiful way to say no to your fears, no to the shame, no to the guilt, and overall it would be a good way for you to empower yourself.

You don’t deserve to hide, friend. You don’t belong in the darkness. You are a light that this world deserves to know, with all your strength and vulnerability. All of those parts of you that makes you you. As you’ll see, here you are accepted and loved as you are, because you dared to make the first step, to reach out and jump into the unknown! That’s a huge step, a scary one, yet you did it. That shows how much you can accomplish for your own well-being, and for starting to receive the support you need and deserve.

I know it’s my fault though, that he cut himself. I think that because if it wasn’t for my awful self being in his life in the first place (not that I don’t want to be in his life) he wouldn’t have wanted to do it I bet.

It’s not your fault, friend. It sounds that both your boyfriend and you are really struggling lately but the fact that you struggle with self-harm doesn’t mean people around you would do the same because of you. I’m sorry he’s using that way to cope as well though. None of you deserve any harm.

It can be also quite tricky to support each other while you are both suffering, yet at the same time it’s a balance to create over time. On one hand, sharing the same struggle regarding self-harm can bring you to a level of mutual understanding that, maybe, you wouldn’t find with someone else. However, supporting each other can be very draining too. I hear that you’re listening and trying to be supportive, which is truly awesome and shows how caring, loving and strong you are. But you deserve help too. You deserve to be supported and heard too. In times to come, maybe your boyfriend and you will need to talk about this issue specifically, and see if it would be healthy for both of you to support each other, or if you’d need to involve a third party - both having someone else than your significant other to support you. I’m myself depressed and dealing with past traumas, and in a relationship with someone. He’s depressed too, for different reasons. And as much as we want to support each other, we also had to admit that we can’t be each other’s therapist, because we are lovers before anything else. Sometimes trying to help the person we love 'cause more harm because it makes us put ourselves and our needs aside. Of course, love goes along with a certain amount of support and commitment, but it’s also important to keep that healthy, as much as possible. We can’t be everything for everyone, even the people we love the most. So, in case you feel like maybe that vulnerability could be unhealthy for one of you at some point, it would probably be good to have a calm and loving discussion with your boyfriend about it.

My boyfriend tells me all the time that I mean everything to him, and that I’m important to him, but I don’t understand it, even though he means that to me and more. I simply just don’t understand how someone could love me or think I’m amazing, important, or beautiful. I just don’t get it. I wish I did though because it would make me happier by a ton.

Learning to love ourselves can be a very long process. And having people who remind us that how they see us is different from how we see ourselves can be very, very painful at times. However, it is obvious that your boyfriend loves you and express that love because it’s part of showing to someone how much they matter to us. You may not believe him, but the trust you share with him will be a strength in the process of learning to know and love yourself as you are.

It’s okay if his perception of you doesn’t match yet the way you see yourself. Keep welcoming those loving words. Keep being open. Keep trusting people who are safe, loving and respectful to you. With time, that love reflected on you will be yours too. It just takes time, practice, perseverance, also to be surrounded by the right people to get there. It sounds that your boyfriend is a precious ally for this journey to self-love! There’s something beautiful in having him by your side, even if his words feel weird at the moment. You can rely, rationally, on the fact that his words comes from a loving place and he genuinely means it. Sometimes, we need to believe on others before we feel able to believe in ourselves.

I’m pretty sure the guys on stream will mention the workbook ReWrite as an awesome resource provided by HS - and that is something definitely worth checking on, if you’re open to it. We’d support you through your readings and through your healing. You’re not alone. You’re not invisible. You actually deserve to be seen and be supported. :hrtlegolove:

1 Like

From: morganvinhoch

No self-love/self-worth can be such a massive struggle for growing to get better. We hope you find it and we hope to see it happen. We are proud of you. Hold Fast

1 Like

@brokenglass
The guys responded to your topic on the HeartSupport Twitch stream today. Hold Fast.

2 Likes

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.