Back to heartsupport

Im back again

i know i’ve been gone for a couple of months but distancing myself from the world doesnt help me with my depression at all … im constantly having the same abusive , trauma & depress memories replay in my head over and over … im just 16 and this been going on for half of my life … the other half i was in the caribbean with my grandmother , i was happy then but now i dont know whats happiness … my mom shame me and my sisters always laugh , my sisters always shaming me and i just take it … why do they hate me so much … i had an appointment the 5 of august and my doctor asked me if i was depressed and i lied and said i wasnt because my mom was in the room … idk how long i can keep lying for … i constantly giving people advice about their pain but i cant never give the same advice to myself … im insecure with myself , i hate my nose , my body , my acnes … i never know what it feels like to be loved by a parent … my dad and mom calls me selfish because i dont like talking to my dad , every single time i talk to him he worship my twin and always leaving me out … they are gonna buy her a car and i was never included into that because im selfish … my mom always told me i will get nowhere in life and i believe her , im not worthy , im just nothing … im only here today because of my bestfriend and friend … if it wasnt for them i would of been kill myself . there’s nothing for me to live for anymore , im just lost …

1 Like

Hi @kennedy,

These are not my words but they seem appropriate for what you’re going through:

“Because you’re childhood beat you around and left you in pain doesn’t mean that you’ll continue the cycle. Let your hurt be the source of the greatest compassion, the deepest love and understanding. You can do anything. Walk through it, don’t numb or hide…You will come out the other side stronger and kinder than ever.” (From the book “Acid For The Children” by Flea, bassist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers)

I know and understand the feeling of not wanting to live but living for someone else’s sake so I’m telling you: cherish and nurture the friends/friendships that you live for, if not for me than for them. Lift them up as best you can and soon you will find that you have lifted yourself up as well. And I would encourage that you speak openly and honestly about your depression, so that you can get the support you deserve. Lastly, know that I’m here for you and care about you and want you to succeed. Hope this helps. :hearts:

1 Like

thank you for these kind words , it made me shead tears , there’s no one to talk to about my depression … im scared to get help because of my mom …

2 Likes

It’s ok to be scared! Professional help is always best but here some options that could be a good starting point:

If you’re willing to you can try to talking to your friends, they might be going through something similar and are also afraid of opening up or seeming vulnerable.

There’s also the Heartsupport Livestream over on Twitch (they’ll have a stream on monday at 1:00 PM Eastern) if you haven’t checked it out already.

And remember, you have the community to talk to, we’re always happy to help :hearts:

@kennedy I am so sorry that you are going through your situation, but you are not alone. I’ve always struggled in my relationship with my mother. I know that you are still young and under her roof, but do you want to know what won’t happen if you get help whether it’s with her approval or not? The world will not end. Funny thing about my mother. She was the one who got me mental health help when I was 13, but it wasn’t for me. It was for her. She was sick of dealing with me, but as I grew older I started seeking the help for myself and not for my mother, but for me. Because the traumas she put me through and the difficulties of life were not going away.

Still until this very day (I am 29 now), my mother doesn’t want me to get help if it means she has to watch my children, but I do what I need to for myself. I do it because no matter how much I feel like I want to give up, I refuse to give up. I will go to every therapy session, every psychiatric evaluation (med), any groups I need to attend when it comes to severe mental breakdowns and for substance use, and I even go to emergency evaluations when I am distress that causes me to be hospitalized.

I know how fearful it can be to seek help when you’re backed into a corner where everyone else is making your mind up for you, but you need to advocate and fight for yourself. If you want to talk to your doctor about your depression, you have the right to ask them to have your mother to leave the room. YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT, LOVE! Fight for yourself. Care for yourself. As they always say (spoiler alert: huge cliche saying incoming) you have to put your mask or life vest on first before you can help anyone else. What is the point of drowning yourself to save other’s feelings about you? When it comes to you, your survival WILL ALWAYS come first! Hang in there, love, and remember you are not alone and we are here for you.

1 Like

I feel ya. Not wanting to be here and wanting to just end it. But i am glad you are here and still fighting. It is very hard to open up, it took me years to do that. But i think you should try and do it slow. I stutter actually every time i talk about my depression unless its therapy. It can be scary to open up but do it slow!! One day at a time