im so fucking disgusting i hate myself. like i dont have a problem with pedophilia, when someone mentions it i just say cool i guess like it doesn’t bother me at all i think its normal im so fucking disgusted in myself, i was sexualy assulted by a very close grownup when i was like 8 and my body fucking liked it im so disgusting and now it doesn’t bother me, like why would i like it? im so degusting i hate myself, like i think its so normal that i would probably stick up for one, why am i like this, i need help and if i metion this to anyone they would just be like ew u freak u like getting raped or somthing, like i know its wrong but at the same time i dont like what the fuck do i do im so disgusting
Hey @ranboozled. Personal opinion here. You say you’re disgusting but it’s normal for pedophilia and you think it’s ok. I wonder if you mixed your emotions up with how you actually feel about it and made it self directed, and just accepted it over the years as what’s wrong with you instead of looking at it as what’s wrong with what happened to you.
Unfortunately, we do sometimes “normalize” things to ourselves. Usually to make it easier to handle emotionally. And sometimes we desensitize ourselves or depersonalize things to make them easier to handle emotionally. My brother sexually abused me and told me I liked it. I didn’t, and I know I didn’t, but I still have those days when I ask myself, “But… What if you really did?” And there’s also, “But so many people have gone through the same thing and they’re fine, it shouldn’t affect you.” But it’s not true. We are all affected by things differently, and we all handle the outcome differently.
When you’re eight, I don’t think you really know if you like sex or not. And if you think you liked it because the person made you orgasm, that doesn’t mean you liked it. It just means your body had a normal response, even at that young age. Believe me, I know. Or don’t believe me. That’s up to you. But I’ve been through it.
I’m sorry that you were raped at eight. No one should have that happen, including you. Because of your age when it happened, I think maybe you are judging yourself a bit irrationally. I wonder if you would feel differently if you learned to be more compassionate with yourself about this terrible thing that happened to you when you were young. I think you should go get help, but not necessarily because you think pedophilia is “normal.” I mean, yeah. You should talk about that. But I think you should go to get help so you can have some peace in your life, and try to figure out if what you’re feeling is actually what you feel, or if it’s how your brain deals with the things that happened.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s not your fault. You didn’t want it. You didn’t ask for it.
If your body reacted, it was a physical response, not the manifestation that you would have liked it. I know it’s hard to not blame ourselves for this. An assault creates a lot of guilt and shame already, and having some kind of physical pleasure while being assaulted increases this shame. So many times I’ve used this as a way to justify the way I perceived myself: tainted and disgusting, without any right to complain or to talk about it.
But there’s a difference between a physical response and enjoying something or not. There are so many examples of physical reactions in our daily life that we can’t control: shivers, sneezing, nausea… It’s just part of our physicality. Our body is stimulated by the environment around us, and for a huge part it’s beyond our control. It’s the same for having an orgasm or any kind of pleasure during a sexual assault. Your body was forced. It’s almost a mechanical reaction, not the manifestation that you liked it
Being forced into sexuality at such a young age can also impact our perception of sexuality in general and interfere with our future experiences on this matter. If you feel uncomfortable with the way you perceive sexuality, please don’t hesitate to talk abut it with a professional. I agree wholeheartedly with all the things that Daisy said so kindly on this matter.
Don’t let shame and guilt be a fuel in your life. It would only push you in directions you don’t want to follow or make you be someone you don’t want to be. Be kind and patient with yourself, as much as possible. What happened to you was traumatic. It was not your fault.
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