Hey @Sandia, I’m really proud of you for reaching out as you do and not giving up. I know how doing it can be difficult, especially when we feel hopeless and stuck in a rut that seems endless. But I would like to ask: are your really stuck? Or does it feel like you are? I’m not saying that what you share isn’t valid or true. Damn, you have all the right to be tired and hate feeling like this. What I’m saying is only that those two statements imply things that are very different.
Personally, I feel stuck when I feel like, just like you, the same cycles keep repeating over and over. Also when I’m lacking of future perspective and goals to aim. So I look behind me, I look at the time that passed and wonder where is my progress gone. But what I forget is that those cycles are not the same, and I’m not the same person as I was one month or five years ago. The difference might be subtle though, and I may not be able to perceive it in the present moment.
You’re not the same person as you were 3 years ago. And even if you keep having downs, even if you have relapses that make you feel like you’re facing the same wall again and again… well, this wall is actually different, and you keep learning how to overcome it differently, or more quickly.
You have all the right to be tired. There are fights that are worth it, but they’re also very draining. As you mentioned that those tears are not clear, I’d like to ask if you already tried journaling your thoughts and emotions on a regular basis? Doing this regularly can help you to identify what’s going on in your heart, progressively. It’s also a good way to learn to know yourself better and process emotions that can be overwhelming sometimes.
I’m sending hugs to you. 