I'm feeling lost, confused, insecure, and looking for the truth

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It’s been a long time since I haven’t posted anything on here, however I need some support as I’m feeling unsure of myself at the moment. I don’t like to talk about myself or sound like a self centered being, but I need to share what’s on my mind lately and what I’ve been going through. I hope that’s okay.

So for the past year I’ve had to live with my dad and his new wife, who I don’t really like and I can never get along with her because she’s never interested in getting to know me. Every time I ask her how she’s doing, she just ignores me or pretends that I’m not there. She’s never interested in getting to know anybody else, it’s always about her. This has been extremely challenging, as It affects my mental and emotional wellbeing everyday. I was also in a long distance relationship with someone who I thought was the right person for me, and I’ve met her and been to her house a couple of times however the reality is that I’m just not good enough for her, or rather I deserve better. She needs a highly spiritual intellectual man who has more experience than I do to be with her. So dealing with my dad and his wife, and trying to make the long distance relationship work was so exhausting and draining at the same time.

I am neurodivergent which is Asperger’s or Autism if you prefer, and it’s very hard to try to navigate these difficult experiences when they can feel so overwhelming all of the time. My dad and his wife are thinking of moving out next year and finding a place of their own, and I have to find a place of my own however where I live it’s not easy to get a house straight away. it requires patience and time. I suffer from insecurity, Anxiety, Depression, Sex addiction, self image, self worth, and self confidence. I’ve always been afraid of standing up for myself, especially Infront of my family. I’m never satisfied with the way I look or the way I am. I’m constantly doubting myself and my abilities, and I’m a huge perfectionist. I don’t know what’s happened to my inner child, but I can definitely say that it’s been emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually abused for many many years. I’m still keeping in contact with my long distance friend, who used to be my girlfriend but it’s not the same anymore. I don’t feel as connected as I did when I was with her.

I’m at a point in my life now where I’m feeling lost and losing hope, and of course I know that I’m creating my own suffering because I’m giving the thoughts too much power however I can’t stop how I feel. I felt happier when I was in a relationship, because I felt heard, loved, and accepted most of the time. I’m still struggling with my sexual compulsive behavior, and I’m always looking at sex to try to escape from what I’m feeling or because I want to feel good temporarily. I also sometimes have some very disturbing intrusive thoughts or rape, and feeling angry when doing it. I feel like a monster everytime I look at sex, or think of sex in a very perverted way. Yes I can be perverted. I’ve always struggled to figure out who I am in this world, why am I here? What is my purpose and to this day I’m still searching for something, which is why I’m never really satisfied with anything I have or get.

Anyway this is how I’m feeling at the moment, and if you’ve read this far then I really appreciate you taking the time to listen. I’m sending you all my love and hugs, and you are all in my prayers. :pray:

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I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It takes so much strength to share what’s inside. It’s easy to pretend that things are fine. It takes a lot of self examination and thought to be able to identify what’s troubling you and to express that to others. I really appreciate you doing that. The situation you are going through with your dad and his new wife is so hard and unfortunately these days so very common. Your relationship with your dad, even as an adult, should be one of support and love, but of course life isn’t perfect. Having to navigate a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the connection to you that a parent would and who is in a relationship with your dad that strains your relationship with both of them can be like walking a tightrope with no end in sight. I know I’ve had my relationship with my dad become strained at times and while I know its not the same thing you’re dealing with, I understand that feeling that the ground underneath you is shifting. Personally, I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to provide my own emotional stability in order to see that my dad is just a person and is just dealing with life one day at a time like the rest of us. I know its not exactly what you’re dealing with, but know you aren’t alone in that. Similarly, I hear your self doubt, your guilt around your interest in sex, your frustration. It’s hard to find the right person. That might be one of the most universal problems out there. And when you don’t have someone to share your feelings with, you can turn inside and the negative feelings toward oneself can mix with loneliness and create a cocktail of self-flagellation that can be worse than any torture someone else could inflict on you. You sound like a very thoughtful person and perhaps your thoughts have veered into a dangerous realm. I hear a fear in your voice around those thoughts of harmful sex. I can’t give you advice about your thoughts and whether they are truly as terrible as you say. I do know that its easy to get caught up in one’s own mind and let ourselves fall into dark chasms that seem impossible to escape. I don’t think they are, whether they are not as terrible as we think or whether they are not as inescapable… I don’t think they are. You seem like a kind hearted, thoughtful person who is going through a pretty tough time. When I’m in that kind of situation, I tend to make a point to go a little easier on myself just for a little while. If the world is pushing in on you, it doesn’t need your help. Thanks for posting this!

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Hello,

Your not alone in what you’re dealing with and it was great that you wrote and open up but also don’t be so hard on yourself for these issues you’re facing…

You need to find that foothold in you’re life. I honestly been through alot of these issues especially on the anxiety and depression end of it honestly we all make mistakes and sometimes there going to be connection’s that are not going to go well. We still make mistakes but God still loves us through our mistakes so don’t beat yourself up and take some time to really enjoy what you want to do in you’re life even if we face these challenges. Just give yourself some self-love in through this and you honestly deserve to not be in so much regret for the problem your facing because it going to tear us down instead let keep leaning on a way to feel positive about ourselves and put up healthy boundaries that could help us face the battle we are dealing. It not easy to face these type of battle alone so even though you’re you’re having a difficult time to what you’re facing there still always hope through the difficult times.

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Hey Friend,

Thanks for taking the time to write all this out and sharing what you’re dealing with and what’s on your mind.

You’re obviously wrestling with a lot of things all at once in your mind and it can certainly be overwhelming. It really sounds like the core of what’s wrangling you is finding yourself and finding love for yourself. I know, because I’ve been there and currently still struggle with the things you mentioned.

As someone also on the spectrum, everything that you brought up would be overhwhelming for me as well. Often, it IS overwhelming for me. Though, I’ve gone through the deep personal work to understanding myself and have gotten to the point where I’m able to give myself the space to know that it’s okay to not feel okay. In the moments of overhwlem that I experience, I listen to my body/mind and give myself the time and space to clear my mind and to sit with my inner child to let him know that I’m here for him and that he can take the time to process things. I’ve learned in my own life If I try to push through all those things like a stubburn bull, things just tend to get worse and my overwhelm gets amplified. Allowing myself the space to be able to make sense of things has really helped me get a handle on things and to not look at everything that could go wrong and instead start looking at what could go right - where your attention flows, energy flows.

It certainly can be difficult to do sometimes, but that’s life and you’re a human being. Human beings, by default, are imperfect and the sense of insecurity, self worth and so on that you’re feeling is felt by so many other people around you. It might sound weird but being confident with your unconfidence actually helps to destruct those overhwelming emotions and allows you to truly feel that you’re not alone in this.

To add, I know exactly what you’re dealing with when it comes to trying to feel love, finding yourelf, and so on.

I went through a pretty bad divorce and through that period of my life I genuinely lost my identity. I truly didn’t know who the hell I was, what I wanted, what my purpose was and so on. What I learned from my bounce back from rock bottom was that I needed to take my focus from hoping someone else would fill those gaps in myself and instead found ways to make myself whole again…to then be with someone to have that sense of love and so on.

Love - it starts within. After my divorce I felt like I was falling uncontrolably and I was grasping at anything I could to break my fall and that included trying to date way before I was ready for it. After a couple of painful and embarassing experiences, I started focusing within to myself. I realized that I wasn’t loving myself and spent a lot of time with my inner child to not only heal that child, but to understand who the hell I was.

Who am I? - In spending time with my inner child, I had this strong pull to return to the things I was obsessed with when I was younger. Metal music, Airplanes, Science, Art, etc. I started spending a lot more time going into those autistic rabit hole on all the things I used to love and ended up just talking with that when I was around people. I realized that 1. I was originally around the wrong people, and 2. that when I was around the right people… they wanted to hear me talk about the things I was obsessed with. When I get going, I tend to word vommit and it’s like the hoover dam letting the gates open - it just FLOWS. I used to be told to shut up all the time when I did this, but when I started spending time with the right people, I woudl do this and apologize for it before I finished a thought. Weridly, this made them mad and they would tell me to never apologize for myself and to continue with what I was sharing because they wanted to know. It kind of broke my mind, but eventually I came to know myself and as a result… have become someone that people go to to ask questions, for wisdom, and that’s actually opened the door for me and how I got my current job…which I freaking love.

What’s my purpose - there’s a philosphy that say’s that your purpose is found in your struggles. I don’t think that’s 100% right for 100% of people, but it was right for me. All the pain, akward moments, and trauama led me to find what I need to do with my life. That it was my struggles that gave me the power to live my purpose and my purpose is to help people like yourself…because I’ve been there, I know how it feels and I know what I needed or wish I had when I was going through those things.

Life is like a coin. One side is dark and the other side is light. A lot of people think life is a coin toss, and in a sense it’s true, but what they don’t realize is that coin isn’t flipped…it’s held in our hand and we have the choice to look at the dark side of life or look at the light side of life.

I hope that maybe, just maybe this little reply helps you to choose to look at the light in the world. Of what’s possible, what could go right and what could be amazing.

Stay strong my friend. You’re not alone and we’re here for you.

Hold Fast.

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Hey there,

Thank you so much for your lovely and supportive advice I really appreciate it. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one going through a similar situation, So I appreciate how open you are also. It’s so hard trying to find yourself and trying to feel love, especially if you didn’t get it from your parents or at school when you grew up. Oh god. I know exactly how that feels. I’m so so sorry about your divorce that sucks. I feel like I’ve lost my identity with my recent long distance relationship, and its left a huge mark on me.

Thank you for your lovely words my friend I appreciate it very much. Blessings to you.

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Thank you for your lovely support and your comment, I really do appreciate it. For a long time I’ve been stuck in a fantasy thinking I was happy and okay, when in actuality I’m really not okay. I’ve struggled to find a long term relationship for so many years, and I thought that the relationship I was in recently was the right person I’ve been looking for all my life. To wait for so many years, and then to have it end is like being eaten alive from the inside out. It really hurts. Sex for me was the only way I could relive from any pain or any uncomfortable emotions I was feeling. I have a sex addiction. I do love sex but probably not for a healthy reason. I’ve definitely dived too much in to the deep end with my thoughts thats for sure. Thoughts are energy and they can be manifested as an action, if it’s not controlled. I’m definitely going to go easier on myself during this time. Thank you for your kindness! Lots of love.

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Hello there,

I can be very hard on myself a lot of the time. I always feel like I’m the problem. I’m not sure what that foothold is at the moment. I’m still trying to figure it all out. The problem is that I don’t know what I want to do in life, like I’m just plowing through life, searching for something but I’m not sure what. I know there is hope, and I can’t see it at the moment but I know it will turn up eventually in time. Thank you for your lovely and kind support I appreciate it. Blessings to you.

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