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Im feeling way too sad

Hello, my name is Robson, I just turned 28 in September, and I’m from the south part of Brazil (sorry for the bad english, it was self-taught). I am bipolar, just like my mother and my granpa, but not to such a bad degree. I was diagnosed more or less at march 2019, and yes, I am treated by a psychiatrist.

I never was too happy to begin with, but it wasn’t that bad, I made my first real friends at the 8th grade (more or less 15yo here in Brazil), and since then got a good number of really good friends, the problem is, I always wanted to have a gf but was way too shy and had no confidence.

The time passed and I entered in the Law school, I did finish it in 5 years and even got my OAB (I think it’s called ABA in EUA, and the test is similar in difficult as well), then began to work as a lawyer, but I hated it, everyday, by 3 years, I felt like shit, it just doesn’t seem compatible with my personality at all, when i realized that, I felt like i had failed in professional life, 5 years of graduation school for nothing, and with that the fact that I didn’t have a single gf, therefore, failing at love life as well. Every single day, before sleep, I could feel a pain in the hearth thinking about this(being a virgin at that time until my 27’s, did cross my mind everyday as well, I mean how could someone with average looks could be virgin at this age?!)

The good thing is, i’m an only child and my parents did give me everything i needed(and they still do), I just couldn’t, and can’t be cool with it, being a parasite wasn’t making me feel any better.
At some point in later 2018’s I just talked to my parents and said all of this, they did support me and did everything they could, but I looked so down at early 2019’s that my mom brought me to her psychiatrist, then I got diagnosed like I said at the beginning.

From 2018 to 2019 I made a diet and lost about 15 kilos, getting at 80 kilos and 1,81m height, it got me some self-esteem. at early March 2019, in tinder, a girl started to talk to me, I wasn’t used to talk to girls in the least, but did talk to her quite a bit, always super nervous and anxious, we got out and had more or less 6 dates till June, we talked about doing trips, she invited me to watch her final paper presentation in her university, I was happy like never before, it was a dream coming true… but before that, things got strange between us, she didn’t talk so sweet to me like before, and even for a first timer, I still did perceive this, she uninvited me to her paper presentation, saying that she didn’t want to talk to her parents about me (we weren’t bf and gf, i mean, not formally), then after a month inviting her for going out and being refused I received a gigantic text wall in whats’app from her, saying in a nutshell that I was way too good of a person, and a company that anyone would want beside her, that she was a trash of a person for making me feel bad for an entire month, but she did not felt anything for me anymore. My world collapsed as my dream, so close, vanished in thin air, it was even more frustrating because felt so close. after a week talking not too much to each other I bough a rouse bouquet and sent to her work, for just receiving as a reply “why did u do that”, yeah, it didn’t work, and we didn’t talk anymore to each other.

I got back to tinder, I was like “it was so good as an experience, I really want that again with someone who really cares about me”, by then I changed my work, and began to work as a Software Developer(programmer) a really huge change, but hey, it’s never too late I guess… my best friend got me a chance to work on his company, I enrolled in a course to better understand programming and It will begin at march 2020, living alone since then in a new city (november 2019), but going on weekends to my home city, i’m not that alone nor that far away.
In this new city I did find someone at tinder, we had a lot of dates in this past 3 months (more than 10, we even had sex, it was like the first time), but as usual, nothing related to romance works too well for me for too long… She does not want to have a serious relationship by ANY means, because she had a bad relationship before and got abused(verbally)a lot, I tried, I swear I tried, but already got dumped 2 times, and right after the “relationship” conversation, being invited to go out together… it just doesn’t make any sense, I know she have her own mental issues, being super down most of the time and self-depreciating herself, even saying she’s a bad person and don’t deserves good things, that i’m too good to her, but that’s not true, she’s a good girl… she said that she doesn’t want to have a relationship ever again, to not rely on anyone anymore(I don’t see where this is relying on someone, but oh well…).
By now, we don’t see each other for like 3 weeks, my hearth is bleeding, everyday that pass, we talk less to each other, to the point where if I don’t say anything, she won’t say nothing as well, i’m pretty sure something has happened on her family in this end of year but she doesn’t want to talk, maybe she’s just distancing from me like one time before she did said was going to, because she knows how much I want a person to be my gf and don’t want to stop me.

Above all that, I got a giant text message from my “ex” that i talked about earlier in January 1, saying (again) she want’s me to forgive her for everything she did, happy year and all… we talked a lot like always did, with somewhat sweetness, the thing is, I don’t know if she wants something serious with me this time, or just relieve her own consciousness, and i’m too afraid to ask myself, since the chance of us being together must be slim, but I don’t want to just bury this hope like that… the second girl like I said before, talk less and less to me by day, yesterday she asked why did I bide her good night, said I was too kind to her, that she doesn’t deserve it for being a bad person, asked if I found another good person(she said a month ago that I should download tinder again and meet someone good) and even said that she herself downloaded tinder again, its pretty hard to understand her.

I really don’t know what to do, I cried a lot(seriously, a LOT), sometimes I even double my medication in the day to somewhat overcome this sadness(like today), well it didn’t work, today was the the day I most cried. I looked for cases like this, I read a lot of things today in this site as well, I feel like my problems are so small and ridiculous compared to most people here.
For some reason that I don’t know, I value in my hearth way too much a relationship, and I even dislike being like this, but it is how I feel and it can’t be helped.

For now i’m talking to both of them(whats app), waiting for the opportunity to go out and talk personally, but the time just looks passing so slow, and while this isn’t resolved, I am really sad, I don’t like the idea of “deleting people” from my life and never talking to them again… maybe I should do that, i’m just way too emotional to do that.

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Hi Robson. You have quite a story to tell. Ambitious one at that too. Major accomplishments all around. I understand how you feel about the whole dating with Tinder thing. I understand that you are originally not from America and are from Brazil. Tinder is a thing that has a common theme that I personally have found out for myself:

People don’t go on Tinder looking for a relationship, they go on Tinder to look for a hookup.

Dating nowadays to me seems just difficult in getting what you want. In your case you are looking for a long lasting relationship. Everyone else is looking for short term casual sex hookups.

People invest and buy in one thing: EMOTION. They buy It all the time. They want to feel good fast for little effort and distance themselves from things that hurt them. These girls that you have interacted with had their values set differently from where you set yours. They wanted to have fun. They constantly seek It because they probably are unsure of what they really want. When they broke up with you It made you feel inferior, but deep down think about It and I’m sure that you will find that this is far from the truth. Look at all these accomplishments you mentioned. You are not inferior. Finding the right person for you is going to take time. You have much to offer and It seems you have your priorities in the right place. A good girl, the perfect girl for you will come to you I’m sure.

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@Alemao

I’m sorry you went through that. You are in a season. It won’t last forever. Like what @Devin said, a good girl will come to you. Be patient. Focus on becoming a better person. Love yourself too. This community loves you.

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