I’m not good enough despite what anyone says. I don’t even know how to control intrusive thoughts when they get really bad. When I’m burdened by temptation it takes so long just to get myself to not go through with it. I’m too much for people even if they say I’m not. I can tell that they want be to stay silent. I can tell that I’m not taken seriously. I’m not cared about. I’m neglected. I’m overlooked. As the middle child I’m left out of a lot of family activities. I don’t get called for supper sometimes and other times I’m not told any supper plans so I’m just waiting for hours. If I try to get something to eat because I’m hungry and nothing was said about supper I get yelled at and told to not get anything because supper will be started soon. I’m not good enough for those around me. I make too many mistakes, get yelled at, I’m a disappointment because of the things I have/haven’t done. I don’t even understand why people love me. I’m nothing special. I don’t deserve it. I struggle to not cut every day. I struggle to see a reason to love at least once a week. I just don’t know anymore. I want to be here, but I don’t want to feel the pain, the hurt, the emptiness that I do. I don’t want to be burdened by self-harm thoughts, but I feel that if I give in it’ll be better. I’m so scared and alone. I feel like there’s nothing more I can do.
I’m sorry friend. That sounds really frustrating. I care about you. I love you. I appreciate your presence.
I’m sorry your left feeling so deflated in your home. ):
Hi SarahtheProud,
I’m so sorry that it feels like the world is stacked up against you. You sound like it’s as if you can’t win no matter what you do. Honestly, it sounds like you feel that no matter what, as the previous poster stated, you are deflated and it wouldn’t matter what you did - be it successful or not as it wouldn’t matter as you aren’t noticed.
Let me say that - You are appreciated.
Often in these moments, the expression “it’s hard to see the forest for the trees” comes to mind - because, you are so burdened by the horrible stuff around you that you can’t see the entire picture. You are appreciated (repeated that for good measure). Both for the battle that you wage daily, moment by moment, but by the sheer act presence and sticking with those neglectful persons/family.
Self-harm, cutting, is a negative coping skill - that’s effective in helping people to often connect when they feel detached and/or to just escape for a moment. While it’s not the best thing to do - it’s something that keeps you here a moment longer. I wonder if there is something else that can be done to help with your overall feeling and replace that self-harm skill… but that’s a conversation later on if you like.
As the other poster said, you are appreciated. You are valued. It’s the sadness and deflated sense of self that’s keeping you from seeing that from the greater whole.
Please, let’s keep chatting. I’m happy to listen and refer if possible.
<3 DrDyaus