I can’t reach out. I have typed out my post a thousand times. I can’t do this. I want to. I want to reach out for help but its like that dream where you are trying so hard to scream yet nothing comes out. That’s what this feels like. I’m fine really, its just that what happens when I can’t pretend to be strong anymore. What happens if I admit that I really am not fine. I have been strong for everyone my whole life to the point where I don’t even know how to care for myself. I try so hard but my self hatred is causing me to self destruct. I am wrecking my own life. I want nothing more than to be happy and succeed but that is not possible if I keep beating myself down! Others used to tear me down. My childhood was very rough, I survived a lot but during that time I unfortunately, lost the ones who showed me unconditional love. So I survived but they didn’t. and now I’m so lost. I’m turning 28… so that means I have been lost for 10 years now haha. How could that be? The abuse and horror is gone, they can’t hurt me anymore so WHY AM I STILL HURTING MYSELF?? 10 years… I don’t mean to. I don’t want to self sabotage. I didn’t even realize I was doing so until recently.
Thanks for letting me blurt this out! In case you’re wondering, I have tried talking to a therapist, twice. And it didn’t go so well. I couldn’t open up. The first one I really didn’t like. It felt like all my words just drifted out the window as soon as they left my mouth while she preached about what “family” and “boundaries” mean while drawing bubbles on a white board. NOPE. The second I kind of felt bad for because I just sat there on the verge of exploding with tears not saying a word, ever. lol This stuff is hard.