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I'm fine, its just that... I'm not fine

I can’t reach out. I have typed out my post a thousand times. I can’t do this. I want to. I want to reach out for help but its like that dream where you are trying so hard to scream yet nothing comes out. That’s what this feels like. I’m fine really, its just that what happens when I can’t pretend to be strong anymore. What happens if I admit that I really am not fine. I have been strong for everyone my whole life to the point where I don’t even know how to care for myself. I try so hard but my self hatred is causing me to self destruct. I am wrecking my own life. I want nothing more than to be happy and succeed but that is not possible if I keep beating myself down! Others used to tear me down. My childhood was very rough, I survived a lot but during that time I unfortunately, lost the ones who showed me unconditional love. So I survived but they didn’t. and now I’m so lost. I’m turning 28… so that means I have been lost for 10 years now haha. How could that be? The abuse and horror is gone, they can’t hurt me anymore so WHY AM I STILL HURTING MYSELF?? 10 years… I don’t mean to. I don’t want to self sabotage. I didn’t even realize I was doing so until recently.

Thanks for letting me blurt this out! In case you’re wondering, I have tried talking to a therapist, twice. And it didn’t go so well. I couldn’t open up. The first one I really didn’t like. It felt like all my words just drifted out the window as soon as they left my mouth while she preached about what “family” and “boundaries” mean while drawing bubbles on a white board. NOPE. The second I kind of felt bad for because I just sat there on the verge of exploding with tears not saying a word, ever. lol This stuff is hard.

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I just wanted to thank you for reaching out. It’s takes so much courage and bravery. This is huge and I know how hard it is. It’s also a big step to realizing you don’t want to go down this path that you can’t be the strong one anymore. That you recognize you are self sabatoging. I know how hard counseling can be especially when it doesn’t work out the first time what I can say is it’s worth it to give it another try. Something that really helped me on counseling is going at my own pace. It’s just getting stuff off my chest and just learning to talk just about the day to day stuff to work on the things that hold me back. I’m lucky and found someone who met me where I’m at. Who didn’t pressure me to talk about the hard things. What I learned for me is my path doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s path. I took me a few months to even trust my counselor and now I’ve been more honest with him than any other counselor. I learned that it’s okay if I don’t cry, if I shut down, if I feel like I’m not moving forward as fast as I should be. I’ve learned to do things that I want. You don’t have to dive into the hard things till your ready. You don’t even have to talk or cry but to have a safe place where you can be met where you are it. I totally understand about not being able to go back just yet but don’t give up on the process completely. This site has changed my life and just being able to get stuff of my chest has helped so much. I hope you will continue to post on here and reach out to us. Also, journaling is a good way to let these feelings out. You are worthy and deserve to put you first to take care of you. You matter and are enough. It’s okay to be there for yourself. Start small. Baby steps you don’t have to do it all at once. It’s slowly learning to like yourself again. It’s learning what you enjoy and giving yourself freedom to be gentle with yourself to ask for support. You are not alone and don’t have to carry this by yourself.

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hi friend,
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you find comfort and encouragement here. I hope you find this to be a safe environment for you to open up and share anything you want. please know that we believe in you and this battle is worth fighting. I know it seems impossible, but I’m 100% confident that you have the strength to get through it. and if you feel weak and lost, please run back here so we can remind you of how strong and brave you are. you are a fighter and you are worth it.
stay strong

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thank you for your kind words

Thanks, I have been nervous to do so but you’re right, I can take things at my own pace. That really helps to hear. Reaching out has been terribly hard but I do feel better that I did. I appreciate the encourage to keep trying!

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Justaduckintheworld I want to thank you for sharing. But I understand this feeling completely. Growing up in a abusive childhood and even into adulthood. It drove me to hate myself. Sabotage myself, I lost friends, family and I feel like myself. I know the people who hurt me are gone, but their words and actions against me have lingered leaving their mark. It made me build a wall, to protect myself I also kept others out. It took a long long time to open up finally. I have taken care of my mother for 8 years due to a physical disability and I forgot about taking care of myself. I took care of those who abused me out of love. It’s not selfish to care for yourself, it’s important to take care of you. Honesty around yourself and others will be the first step to healing, and a hard one.

I have slowly learned grace and patience with myself. I have opened up in my art, my singing, and gaming. Opening up here was the first step, you are strong enough to keep going, You’re wonderful and worth of all the love you have been given. I know there is a you who is happy and ready to greet you, they’re cheering for you to finally meet them. So keep pushing I believe you can. Hold fast

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I’m sorry to hear that your childhood was rough.

You have been very strong for a very long where you kept fighting I have been in your situation where…I hated Who I was, lying even to not being a burden.

It takes time to recover from something that hits us for a very longtime.
Even if, it has been very longtime, it still painful.

I’m currently 20, it’s been…8 years, since, what happens to me but, i’m still here, knowing that I’m not alone feeling this where there’s people out are feeling the same and I believe that things will get better too.

Here are some Advices:
Be honest, I understand that it is difficult to be honest to talk about it, that’s okay, it takes time.
T4: Try To Trust Time (advice from a good person that I know)

Take care, sending hugs
Keep fighting, you matter <3
-LostWings

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**This was brave **
I know because I often can’t reach out to people. I have found it hard to as well and it is still hard. Just know that we all love you here and care for you. Feel free to come back at blurting it out.

I understand that therapy is had as well so I am so proud of you for at least trying.

Always remember that you are stronger than you know.

Hold fast and keep fighting

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Thank you for reminding me of my strength! It really helps a lot!

Your words made me tear up, in a good way!! Strength has been hard to find but I’m finding it, little by little. You are a very strong light and I appreciate your kind words!

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Thank you very much! Without even realizing, after posting this I have been sewing and gaming more. Sure its only been a week but this post was a HUGE step for me. I feel like I put a crack in this wall I’ve built and I am excited (yet still pretty nervous) to shatter it! I really appreciate your comment and want to give you the biggest hug. I am hoping to find some sort of support group (or something of the sort) to help ease me into this process. Thanks again!

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@justaduckintheworld

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I’m glad you’re working through everything! I’m sure you will be able to push through more and be able to grow and learn what it takes to be happier. I’m sure your story will push those like you to keep trying!

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