yeah so long story short i mightve relapsed in self harm, I’m not sure if I count it or not, because although i was trying to cut myself, it wasn’t because i wanted to, if that makes sense. also pierced my nose which was a terrible decision as well. its strange, its like for a second all rationality leaves my mind and i just go for it, i have all the confidence and energy in the world and i do it and then i come down and i start thinking again and i cant believe how terrible i am. my life with my mom hasn’t been bad but hasn’t been good, its more annoying than anything to hear her be so hypocritical and narcissistic, but she hasn’t been abusive lately, shes actually stopped drinking for now. everything feels sort of off right now, I feel like I’m responsible for all the bad things that happen in peoples lives, and it puts me in a hard spot because I don’t want to be someone who just fucks up peoples lives and unintentionally messes with their emotions but I guess I have to remind myself that I need to consider myself as well, which is hard but its necessary. this is more of an update rather than a support post.
Hey @ahhspencer,
You know, it’s good to see you. Whether it’s a support or an update post. Thank you for trusting this community. Thank you for sharing those parts of your life. 
I’m not sure if I count it or not
I guess it is very personal. It depends on where you are on your own journey, but also how you feel about it. In any case, know that urges like this - and even relapses - happen. But it doesn’t change anything about your progress and the steps you’ve been taking. I see your efforts, despite difficult circumstances. You are very brave, Gracie.
i have all the confidence and energy in the world and i do it and then i come down and i start thinking again and i cant believe how terrible i am.
It makes sense, as this is all about intense emotions. I saw some funny memes on IG that was like: “me while having a breakdown”/“me 5 minutes after” - which show two very different emotional states. And that’s pretty accurate. I’ve been dealing with intense emotions as well these days. Sometimes it feels like this rollercoaster is a matter of days, but sometimes it’s a matter of hours or moments. It’s okay to allow yourself to feel, even though it might be scary sometimes. What you can try to do, it’s also to use the moments when you feel more at peace to gather tools and strategies that you can use when you feel more impulsive. Things that would help you stay safe, without necessarily repressing your emotions either. For some people it could be about releasing that energy: exercising, dancing, playing video games, cleaning…For others it’s more about finding ways to relax: meditation, cocooning, creativity… Just random ideas.
my life with my mom hasn’t been bad but hasn’t been good, its more annoying than anything to hear her be so hypocritical and narcissistic, but she hasn’t been abusive lately, shes actually stopped drinking for now.
I hope with all my heart that this “for now” will keep going on like this. You deserve to be treated well and to be safe.
but I guess I have to remind myself that I need to consider myself as well, which is hard but its necessary.
Absolutely. And it is never selfish to do that. As just someone who read the things you shared here, I can tell that you are very kind and understanding, for example with your family. You care a lot. But you also deserve the same care for yourself. You are not responsible for other’s actions and behaviors.
Take care Gracie. Thank you again for those updates.
thanks for commenting on my posts, it means a lot to see someone else take time frequently to just respond I guess, but don’t feel pressured or anything to reply in the future, but thanks for the support and replies, honestly its helped me a lot
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