I’m going through another depression episode, again. It never ends. I just want to rest now. I don’t want to hold on. I’m just too tired for it. Too worn out. I don’t even feel like I’m ‘living’ anymore. Everything feels like a dream, or a movie. I feel like there’s a fog between me and others. I’m having trouble interacting with others because of it. Depression took everything from my life. I don’t remember any happiness from my past. Actually, I don’t remember most of my past. Even the little glimpse of my past is remembered like I’m an observer. I don’t remember what I felt or what I thought. I just want to end everything. Everyone tells me that there is end of this tunnel and that I should hold on for it. But is there? I just want to rest now. I don’t want to keep living. I just want to die.
Gosh to feel completely trapped in this moment as a prisoner, I’d want to break free too. To feel like the only way out is down…so that you never get back up again. It makes a whole lot of sense. Your past was before the bars, but it feels like you’ve been imprisoned for so long that you don’t even remember what freedom feels like, like that life doesn’t even belong to you anymore and whatever did is just a fog of a shadow of a memory in your mind. All you know are these cold walls, this hard floor, this dull box, this lonely existence…it feels like the rest of you has been stolen completely or alas, now, surrendered.
I’m sorry, friend. That truly sucks. I remember being in my own prison – different but similarly suffocating…feeling like there was nothing I could do to be worthy (get free). I’d try everything, carving through the walls, bending the iron, convincing the guards, preoccupying myself in my cell to hope to pass the sentence, but literally nothing worked…I spent every night feeling completely alone and completely worthless, and I didn’t want to keep going either…
Until I realized that there were other prisoners…until I realized that I didn’t just have to talk to myself. Until I realized that there were other people out there that gave a shit about me, that understood what I was going through because they were either in it at the same time or they had been through it and came back to help me.
You are not alone, friend. You are surrounded by others. That hope, that camaraderie, that community, that fellowship, those people can help. You don’t have to face this by yourself. And together, you can find freedom.
I’m sorry you’re going through another depression episode. It’s absolutely understandable to be exhausted in such circumstances. The feelings you have right now are not meant to last and I can relate to what you described. The “fog”, the impression to be seperated from others and even from yourself. I’ve been there. Mentally and physically. When I hit the rock bottom with depression, I had that sensation of being outside my own body and outside the world itself. It happened cyclically. Like I wasn’t able to feel anything anymore Like being an observer, seeing everything happening around me like I wasn’t part of it, even if I was saying or doing something. Sometimes I thought I was just going crazy. At the moment, I talked about it to my doctor, who knew about my depression, and he explained to me some things about depersonalization, which is something you can experience temporarily because of depression. So I’m not saying it’s the same, but I can only encourage you to talk about it to a therapist if it’s something you can consider and afford. It could help you to get some enlightenments, to reassure you and help you realize that there’s nothing wrong with you. Yes, there is an end of this tunnel. A brighter one. And you’ll get there.
Depression isn’t defining you and you are a lot more than that. You had a life before, you’ll keep living after and you’re still living right now. You’ve got breath in your lungs and you’re not alone. Take some rest, but please stay safe. You need to take care of yourself right now and you deserve plenty of love. You’ll regain some strengths over time.
Also, there are some resources on HS which could be useful for you, such as a depression workbook. Maybe it would be interesting to check on that: https://heartsupport.com/resources/
Hold fast, friend.
I understand all too well, that feeling of merely existing but not really living. Friend, I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Depression can be so hard.
I want you to know that you are not alone. I see you.
Days can feel so dark sometimes. And like there is no light to release us from it. But there is. It can get better. Hang on my friend. Be strong. You are welcome here if you ever need to talk about the things that are clouding your mind. You matter. We care.