Im just tired

[SilverAndTyson]

So to understand the whole story I have to provide a bit of backstory. Growing up my father was verbally abusive. I always saw it as what a family was like because thats what he made me believe. Of course I wasn’t happy in that family, but i bit my tongue and did what I was told. Eventually my mother took us (my sister, brother, and me) to our grandparents to get out of that. Life there wasn’t much better either. My grandma didn’t understand depression, and she was always up in our business. Once again, eventually my mother found an apartment nearby and took us there (leaving my brother with my grandparents because we had no space, nor the money to afford another person). Note, this is all still in the same town that my father lives in. My mother doesn’t want to move us away until I finish high school. And i feel bad being the reason to keep everyone here.

From the short backstory you would think my life would be better, at least thats what I had thought. I was wrong. Everything still feels the same, like nothing really had changed minus taking the father out of the image. If im out of that environment, why can’t i be happy. Why am i still suffering, why cant i let go? The answer could be many things, but what had happened with my father still affects me and my family. Some of the things my sister over the past few days (I wasn’t there at the time) reminded my mom of my father and triggered that memory. She sent my sister a long message saying what she did and how it affected her, however this was days later after she bottled it all up. My sister comes to me saying all this to not bottle it up (she is older than me btw), and then I feel like I need to come up with something to respond with to help but i cant. Other times i know my mother is upset or down, but when i ask her about it she says she is fine. I want to be able to help my family, but i dont know how or I just cant. Im still just as depressed and upset as when i was with my father. I feel like my life will never get better, no matter what I try. I’ve been hurt so much, i even fear that I’ll turn out like my father and do what he did, but to someone else close to me. So I try to shove myself away from others, avoiding close relationships. Everything has just been getting worse and worse, and Im just so tired of it all. Tired of me, and my life.

[Altogryph81]

Hello there, whoever you may be

This is our first time meeting, and your first post, so thought I would simply say hello before I began my response. I get the idea of what you are going though, I’ve had similar experiences myself.

It’s not easy, dealing with verbal abuse, nor feeling helpless. I can only hope that whatever may happen, you at least have the responses here help you.Maybe I’ll be the only one, I’m not sure. I can only say that if you can get though this, deal with setbacks and the pushes life gives you, you can come out of the situation stronger. The fact that you were able to share this story, even online, shows that you do have the courage to face these problems. For your mother though, I’m not sure as to what you can do to help. Perhaps simply listening to what she asks helps, or do research on this subject if the matter is that pressing for you. If you attend college (I have no idea as to what you plan on doing after High School), you can attend a college out of the town, where no one knows you.

you could also just simply,when you have enough money, just move away. There is no need to have learned helplessness (A psychology term where the subject becomes helpless because that is all they feel they can do) control your life. Become able to deal with problems head on, and you will never be forced to feel this way again. There is always another way, just as long as your willing to find it.

Sincerely,
Jason

[Micro]

Hey @SilverAndTyson,

I’m sorry your father was verbally abusive. I grew up with an abusive parent and what you said is right: we think it’s what family is because it’s the only example we have when we’re kids. Thankfully, over time, we have this possibility to realize that something was wrong. I’m glad you’re able to take a step back from it and share about it. Acknowledging what happened is important to move on, even if it’s not easy at all. And the same applies to your grandparents… I wish this could have been an opportunity for you to be in a better environment.

You are not the reason to keep everyone there. As you said: your mother doesn’t want to move away. This decision is also her responsability, whatever the reasons behind. Please, don’t feel guilty for having to go to school there. You also have to live your life and prepare your future. Nothing wrong with that.

When you’ve been in an abusive relationship, it takes time before you recover from it. But you will feel better with time. Be patient with yourself. Being away from your father is definitely something really positive, even if it may be hard for you. And from what you said, your whole family is suffering because of what happened and the different changes in your lives. It’s hard to break silences in such circumstances and each one of you are going on at your own pace.

You don’t have to fix everything for everyone and, in fact, you can’t. This is your father responsability and a matter of circumstances you can’t really control. It’s really kind of you to be there for your family and there are many ways to do so without burning yourself or being hurt because it triggers you. But don’t forget your well being is your priority. Sometimes even just saying “I love you” is enough to remind others that they’re not alone.

You won’t turn out like your father. Nothing is carved into stone. You know, I have the same fear. I’m 26, I don’t have kids but I’m afraid to do the same things my mother did to us if I become a mom. But I think there are things we tend to forget when we think about it: 1/ this fear, somehow, prevents us to not do the same, because we’re deeply aware of what it could implies; 2/ we actually want to do things differently; 3/ we talk about it, we share about what happened, which allows us to acknowledge it and not only suffer it.
So this fear is quite normal. But it also shows how much you’re willing to not do the same. And I’m pretty sure your father never thought about what he did like this. There’s this huge difference between you and him: he did it, and you don’t. You face what happened, even if it’s hard. I guess you father certainly don’t. And this is your most powerful strength right now. This is why you are not like him.

Please don’t isolate yourself. Don’t be afraid of yourself. What your father did was his responsability and actions, not yours. And the resilience you’re building for yourself is what helps you growing. It’s a first step to share about what happened and how you feel. An other one will be to allow yourself to live. Because no matter what your father said to you: he was wrong.

Sending much love to you.