So to understand the whole story I have to provide a bit of backstory. Growing up my father was verbally abusive. I always saw it as what a family was like because thats what he made me believe. Of course I wasn’t happy in that family, but i bit my tongue and did what I was told. Eventually my mother took us (my sister, brother, and me) to our grandparents to get out of that. Life there wasn’t much better either. My grandma didn’t understand depression, and she was always up in our business. Once again, eventually my mother found an apartment nearby and took us there (leaving my brother with my grandparents because we had no space, nor the money to afford another person). Note, this is all still in the same town that my father lives in. My mother doesn’t want to move us away until I finish high school. And i feel bad being the reason to keep everyone here.
From the short backstory you would think my life would be better, at least thats what I had thought. I was wrong. Everything still feels the same, like nothing really had changed minus taking the father out of the image. If im out of that environment, why can’t i be happy. Why am i still suffering, why cant i let go? The answer could be many things, but what had happened with my father still affects me and my family. Some of the things my sister over the past few days (I wasn’t there at the time) reminded my mom of my father and triggered that memory. She sent my sister a long message saying what she did and how it affected her, however this was days later after she bottled it all up. My sister comes to me saying all this to not bottle it up (she is older than me btw), and then I feel like I need to come up with something to respond with to help but i cant. Other times i know my mother is upset or down, but when i ask her about it she says she is fine. I want to be able to help my family, but i dont know how or I just cant. Im still just as depressed and upset as when i was with my father. I feel like my life will never get better, no matter what I try. I’ve been hurt so much, i even fear that I’ll turn out like my father and do what he did, but to someone else close to me. So I try to shove myself away from others, avoiding close relationships. Everything has just been getting worse and worse, and Im just so tired of it all. Tired of me, and my life.