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I'm losing control of myself


#1

Hi guys,

I hope I’m not bothering. Sorry that’s always a problem with me and I say sorry a lot too. I feel like I should be sorry because everything I do I ends up messing something up. I’m sitting home alone being swarmed by unwanted thoughts and my mind is telling me to act on them. I don’t know what to do anymore because my life is falling apart.

I have no friends to talk to about anything anymore and that’s hard because I like to think I’m a very social person. Recently I took some time away from college to get help but I know nothing can help me anymore. I find life to be painful no matter what I do. I can’t even enjoy good moments because I’m so swarmed by everything in my head. I really am running out of options and there’s the bottom of the box options that keep telling me to do them like negative coping skills or even worse. I just want to know the future because all I can see is failure right now. It makes me want to die. My parents are ashamed of me, I have no friends, no enjoyment in life, and therapy/meds don’t work so what’s the point. I’m getting tired of fighting for nothing because why am I wasting my energy on something that has no substance. Me. I’m spiraling into madness. Having multiple panic attacks per day, getting paranoid from random noises, and just being depressed over nothing. I’m scared that I want to hurt myself and I can’t see the future. I just no there’s no hope for me and I’m helpless. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Sorry for wasting your time. I just need help.


#2

Hey love,
I know what you are going through because I have been there myself countless times. Your anxiety and stress are through the roof right now and they are making your brain go into overdrive with negative thoughts. I find that the days my brain is too busy and there are lots of intrusive thoughts that I need to take something specifically for my anxiety to calm my brain down. It’s not a cure all but it makes it more manageable for me. I take rhodiola rosea because my anxiety isn’t bad enough to need a medication for it but the R&R was recommended by my doctor as an alternative. St John’s wort also helps but reacts with too many medications. You need to find a way to reduce your stress level right now, a way to deal with things one day at a time. You are valued and loved and I promise you that a lot of the negativity surrounding you is just a product of your own brain. Look into ways to reduce anxiety, something that takes a lot of focus and brain power often helps exhaust the pent up energy in our brains. Your brain is in overdrive and has no direction so its initiating the fight or flight response and causing a lot of this negativity. Find something you can put your focus into until the feeling passes and you can start looking at things rationally. Also keep in mind that the meds you are on could be the incorrect ones.


#3

@Confused Thank you for your kind words. How do you message on this? (sorry I’m new) and is it ok if I message you?


#4

Not wasting our time, bro. Your thoughts and feelings are 100% valid, and I (we) appreciate you being vulnerable and courageous enough to share them.

Sounds like the core of a lot of what you’re facing is this deep sense of being a failure and being ashamed of what you haven’t been able to do or accomplish. And the pain from that unworthiness, from feeling like you’re unable to be loved, is the hole that you’re trying to fill when you do negative coping skills or harm yourself or act out in any other negative way. But then by doing those things you feel more like a failure, so it makes you feel worse…you feel unworthy to share your thoughts or emotions and apologize because you feel like an inconvenience to others and that makes it hard for you to feel worthy of friendship…but also you’re nervous that if you were to go somewhere and try to make friends that you’d prove yourself to be a failure there too, so you stay in…but by not having people to talk to you, you’re left alone with these thoughts, and by not going out you’re also adding fuel to the fire as to why you’re a failure, and things spiral…you try to cope, feel worse, have no one to talk to, get swallowed by these thoughts, and the pattern repeats itself.

BUT AT THE CENTER: is that deep sense of being a true failure (or some other type of identity that really keeps you locked down).

You’re definitely not crazy for feeling this way and having your life spiral out of control like this…I know from experience because this all happened to me too. I feel like a failure as well, and it’s something that I’ve spent the past few years intentionally trying to heal through my faith and through recovery and through counseling. And I can tell you: I’ve got a LOT of progress and feel so much closer to accepting and loving myself, and it really has changed my life.

I wouldn’t totally discredit therapy, because at the center is an emotional problem that can be fixed! Your heart has been wounded, and it needs to be healed.

Honestly, bro, the first thing I’d recommend to do is read this book called Wild at Heart (I’ll link below). It will open up a whole world to you about this realm of your heart and about what to do with it as a man (not in a beat your chest kind of way, but in a – what makes your heart come alive – kind of way). It started a journey for me that’s changed my life, and I gotta recommend it for you too:

If you end up getting this book, I’d love to chat with you as you read it :slight_smile:


#5

@Nate Thank you very much. Everything you said resonates with me 100%. And ill look into the book when I can come up with some money. Tysm


#6

@John - I want to echo @Nate’s recommendation to read Wild at Heart. It’s a VERY good book!


#7

@John you will never be a bother here <3


#8

Hey John… Can you see all the people who are sending you messages, if even just to say they live with you?
Nobody can see into the future, everybody is struggling with their lives in some way, you just got it bad.
Keep holding on, life will get lighter. Do things you love, specialise, and go beyond what other people would normally do. That will become your strength, grown from this pain.

kind regards,

Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy


#9

Hey John, a couple things here I want to share with you.

First- I’m glad you shared this with us. It’s so brave that you took the time to come here and let us be a part of what’s going on in your life. You’ll never be without friends here. I’d love to be your friend.

Secondly- You’re not a failure and I refuse to believe that. I’m sorry that you’re going through all these thoughts, and I can fully say that I’ve dealt with them as well.

Third- I’d like you to come find me in discord, or PM me on here and give me your address. I’d like to supply you with that book that @Nate mentioned, as well as I’ll be buying a copy for myself, my only wish is for you to read it and give it to someone in need after you’re done with it.

Fourth- I love you, and I believe in you. Keep your head up. Please come to Discord and talk to us. I want to be your friend.


#10

you’re not a waste of time, you’re exactly why we’re here, and i’m glad you found us and i’m glad you had it in you to write your message.

john, it seems your problems spiraled to a point that it’s hard to see through them. but you still see yourself as a social person. and i believe you really are. hold on to that social person and try to grow from there.

growing a social person is not easy cause it requires that people around you make some room for it, and it doesn’t always happen, but you can find that space here with us.

stay strong john (yes, you’re stronger than your problems make you feel), we’re with you.


#11

Firstly, you’re not wasting our time, secondly thank you for reaching out. I know things seem rough right now. When your in that mindset there are no victories as everything through your eyes will be seen as a failure. You’re not alone in this. I don’t know much about your history but it seems like your being way to hard on yourself. You can’t equate success with things you’re supposed to have. Don’t give up on therapy and meds because you might just find something that work. We love you and feel free to come back when you feel this way and we will point you in the right direction love you hold fast


#12

Hey John, I don’t know how much I’d have to add to everything that everyone here has echoed, but above all, I’m right here for you. We’re in this together, and no matter what, we as a community, and I myself as a part of it, will make ourselves available to you so that you know you’re not alone. And that’s because we’ve been there. Maybe not the same situation, but we know some of those feelings, and we never want anyone to struggle or feel alone. If you need any help with getting the book, I’ll totally buy it for you. I’ve read it, and it helped me so much in so many perspectives of my life in pursuit of where I’ve needed to go when honestly I wanted to do absolutely nothing with it. But seriously, I’ll buy and ship this to ya if you want. Lemme know, my email is [email protected]. If there’s no other way to message me really, send me an email, and I’ll get it for you. Love you dude, you are not alone. Hold fast,
Eran


#13

Hey my dude,

I just want you to know that I love you man. I don’t even know you but I love you :blush:.

My life played out very similarly to how yours is right now.

You are not a burden to anyone my friend, even if that’s what you believe with every fiber of your being, you’re wrong. You are not a burden, and you can not go through your life apologizing just for being you.

There is only one you, and the world is a better place with you in it.

Keep your chin up dude.

-Nolan


#14

Let it fall apart. The best part of a pit is once you hit bottom you can always climb to the top even if it is a bottomless pit it still has walls to climb up. It won’t take away the pain, but it will provide some relief.

Be a friend to others the way you want those friends to be towards you. It takes time and will be difficult. Yet I believe when you help others in a way it helps you even if it isn’t the way you expect.

Nothing is easy about life. If you feel misery now then don’t expect it to ever go away. I am speaking from experience. Yet you can find ways to relieve that pain. I started by distracting myself then I push myself by setting goals and doing little steps toward those goals. When it becomes overwhelming and you’re at the brink find somewhere/someone you can talk. It will give you a little more wiggle room and make life a little more tolerable. Since you don’t have friends I suggest a Therapist.

You’re not wasting my time. Let me tell you something. I don’t have the answer to the meaning of life and I can’t tell you what your purpose is. Yet I can tell you what I did. I decided I wanted to get to know myself and when I did I learned to accept myself for who I am. I forgave myself for my flaws and hating my life. I decided I was going to dedicate myself to be the person I desire to be by accepting who & what I am then improving on me anyway that I can. Then I decided to use this method on others in hopes that they too will desire to strive to be better.

So I created my own definition of the meaning of life. I created my own purpose. If I can do this then so can you. I’m cheering for you.


#15

@John here is our video response from out Twitch live stream:


#16

@thatolddutchguy1 Thank you


#17

@513Kernal thank you for the offer but i have the money now i wouldnt want anyone to have to pay for me but it is greatly appreciated. You are a kind soul thank you.