Hey, guys. First, I’d like to thank anyone who’s reading. I really need to talk about this but I don’t have anyone else.
I’m 20 years old and I’ve always been alone. I never had many friends; lost connection with most of them and I don’t really mind. But I always missed romantic love. I loved the same guy for 5 years and he was really mean to me, even tho he loved me back. At some point he started loving another girl and he did everything for her, everything he never did for me. I was deeply hurt. I felt so freaking lonely… Until I met my boyfriend. I started dating him because I was lonely, and to be honest I never dated anyone before, I had never kissed anyone before either. I was lost and confused, but he kissed me in our first date. He was just confused as I was. After some weeks talking by the internet, he told me he was depressed and that he was thinking of killing himself a long time ago, but he felt more hopeful after he met me. I was glad I could make some difference in his life and I felt useful and appreciated. But, as time passed by, I saw what depression had done with him. He plays games on his computer and he feels really stressed by them, to the point he stop eating and sleeps trhought the day. I feel heartbroken when he does it… But I was trying to change, I was trying to understand and help him, and I still am. Anyway… I think I always had my own insecurities and I’m not really sure why, but lately I’ve been so afraid. I’m afraid when he leaves my home and go to his house because I know the next day he may be depressed again. I never want to say goodbye. It breaks my heart. Besides that, I don’t feel appreciated anymore. I feel like he kisses me less, he talks to me less, sometimes when we’re together he just uses his phone and I wish he would talk to me, I wish he would treat me like a priority… I have a problem with sex as well because I never had sex and I’m pretty judgemental about it, because of the way my family sees it. I see sex as an expression of love and I really want to have sex with him because I will feel appreciated and loved, but he sees sex in a different manner. He has some sadist kinks and he never really proposed anything to me, of course, but I know he has. He also watches porn which makes me feel inferior, like I’m not enough for him… I don’t feel pretty enough. I feel I’m too boring for him. I feel we live diffrent lifes and day by day I feel more useless. I think I’m falling appart like never before and I’m scared. Sometimes I don’t even want to live anymore because I’m too scared of the future. I’m too scared of the day he’ll stop loving me. I’m too scared of the day he’ll freak out again. I’m too scared of being broken. I just want to feel loved.
When we’re not together, I feel like I don’t even exist. He talks to me trought messages, but I don’t feel nothing. I don’t feel love when he writes to me. I feel my emotions growing stronger, and I think even tho he says he loves me, he doesn’t love me the way he did before. I’m tired of being who I am. I wish I was more fun, more pretty, more useful, more interesting. But I’m just a plain girl. I want to be loved so bad. I think I may have some kind of disorder, I don’t know.
it sounds like you’re in a challenging situation and that you’ve had to be so strong for others. thank you for sharing on here. (i think you write very eloquently!)
your feelings are so valid and understandable. feeling lonely can be hard and relationships take a lot of effort as it is. depression adds to that complexity.
perhaps you would benefit from focusing on some self care. also, is it possible for you to talk to a therapist?
you could try communicating with your boyfriend more about how you feel, what you want, and what you need. but with depression, he might only be able to do so much right now. depression isnt personal and about you being enough or not. it’s a very tough illness.
you fear is valid and i relate. pain is hard but it’s also a part of life. you can do your best to keep well, but sometimes you just have to accept it.
do you have any ideas for self care? perhaps you have a way you like to relax? perhaps you could try journaling, exercise, meditation, or a healthier choice of foods?
how can Heartsupport best support you?
Hey @amayah123,
Thank you so much for being here. I hear that you’re going through a rough time and I’m really grateful for you for opening up about that situation.
In this situation, it can be tempting to blame yourself and think that there is something wrong with you, but I really think that, in the same context, anyone would have a hard time as well. Maybe you have some insecurities, but that’s probably beyond the point. What you’re asking for: being seen, being cared for, being loved, is not extravagant at all. Those are roots for any loving relationship. It’s fundamental, and I’m sorry you’re not feeling like receiving any of this with your boyfriend right now.
I hear that he is depressed and has his own issues. And indeed, depression can make someone very “self-centered”. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and there are times when I am so drowned in my own struggles that I don’t really pay attention to the world around me anymore. Last year, for example, this resulted in me really neglecting my partner. It’s only lately that I’ve seen the impact: we don’t eat well, he’s become depressed and tired as well, almost doesn’t take care of himself, has a hard time sleeping, plays video games almost all the time, doesn’t go outside except for work. He has his own struggles, but the fact that I’ve been letting myself drown and distanced had an effect on him, absolutely. The thing is, I’ve acknowledged the issue and am working on it since then. I accept that I made mistakes so I can learn from it. Now I try to be more careful and make sure to spend time with him when he’s here, because it was unfair of me to project my own issues onto him. I do my best to care of both of us and not none of us. I am driven by the desire to better myself,< and beat this freaking depression to get more help as well because I love him and don’t want my own issues to destroy our relationship or make him feel unloved.
So the perspective I share with you here is from the “other side”, but it’s really to emphasize the fact that a relationship is made of two individuals who need to share a minimum of commitment to each other. If your boyfriend has understandable reasons to behave as he does, it is also unfair to put this heaviness on you. Being with someone gives a spark of life when we are struggling, but getting out of a rough patch also requires us to take the steps that are necessary to get some help and heal. A partner can’t fix the other one. We can be loved, supported, but there is a point when there’s only so much we can do, and it drains all of our energy if one of the partners is not willing to get unstuck from a depressive cycle. In other words, being depressed doesn’t erase our sense of responsibility. It sounds that, right now, your boyfriend needs to get some extra help, for example from a professional/therapist. You, on your end, are not in a relationship to be “useful” to someone. It is more than valid to need to be loved and seen by the person you love, and you shouldn’t need to prove yourself to receive that.
Is it something that you had the opportunity to share with him? If not, I understand that you might be afraid of his reaction, of losing him, but it sounds that he really needs to understand that you are here, that you exist, also that he’ll need to get some help, for himself but also for the sake of your relationship. Your voice deserves to be heard. By doing nothing, he’s losing himself, but he’s also losing you. I really, really hope that your boyfriend could understand how you feel if you decide to talk to him. You deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship, where you are loved and respected for who you are. And really, those words come from someone who was actually drowning their own relationship because of their own depression. If there is love and true commitment, a couple can overcome mountains, even if it takes a lot of adjustments. You deserve that level of commitment and care, friend. There is nothing wrong with you.
I’m sending hugs your way. 
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