and what do you want for yourself?
because guess what? It’s easy to say you want good things for someone else. But you have no part to play in that.
Where are all your well-wishes for yourself? Do you hope that you find your perfect person and that you have a great life?
Or do you think you should remain single forever to keep punishing yourself?
Sounds harsh maybe, but you’re looking at him and his life, when you need to look at you and yours, where you have control over decisions, etc.
That’s a fair call out. I tend to not care much for myself and that’s been an ongoing pattern in my life for as long as I can remember. I guess maybe that’s something I need to start doing. I don’t know what I want. I feel like I’m not ready to move on yet. I’ve begun the process to move on but before I start thinking about the future and what I want, I have a lot of healing to do
Another fair call out, that’s something I need to work on and it’s not an easy shift for me mentally. I’ve always cared for others before myself and I feel like once I heal from this, it’s something I need to begin working on with my therapist
there’s so much growth you can have from this situation, and I’m excited for that, just sorry that the pain is so much while you go through the process.
Always reach out here when it’s getting to be too much 
I hope you don’t feel like it’s a call out/ me bagging on
You. I just think you deserve a lot more respect
No I understand what you meant. I didn’t take it the wrong way. I’m just really overwhelmed at the moment. I have a lot of medical issues physically so I’m constantly worrying about taking time off of work and juggling doctors appointments. Worrying about not falling behind or making my employer think that I’m taking way too much time off. I have a whole host of mental health issues and dealing with this break up. It’s a lot.
I’m so sorry you have been dealing with so much! Are you at all able to get a dr certificate and take some time to be able to recover?
Not really. The physical issues are on going and there are a lot. I’m seeing an obgyn, a gastroenterologist, a cosmetic surgeon for laser hair removal (this one might not sound super important but it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for years), and getting imaging or testing done for my acid reflux and bloating issues. So it’s an ongoing process. I also have back issues from an accident but that’s just something I have to live with. Nothing can fix that. I try to get appointments after work but most don’t work the hours I need or if they do work, after 5:30, the appointments are months away since everyone is off from work at that time so they’re busy and booked most days at those time slots
I think I’m ok. I’ve been making some progress. I’m not there yet but I’m ok. The past few weeks of therapy has felt more productive than It has ever felt and I’ve been doing it for 2 years but I think at some point, something clicked in my brain. My anxiety and depression are still sky high but I think the current problems at hand (the breakup) are not as overwhelming as they used to feel so now that gives me some space to breath and work on myself. I still haven’t opened discord because that was my and my ex’s preferred way to contact each other and I’m scared of feeling triggered (that has happened before) and having all the negative emotions come back. I’m taking this a step at a time. Just wanted to post an update.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this update, @Stuck. It is really heartwarming to see that you are feeling a little better and in a position now to acknowledge that. Time truly helps, and you have been taking some major steps in order to be supported during this difficult season of your life.
One step at a time, always. It is the best way to not burn yourself out and make sure that you are building some solid foundations for your future. As for Discord, it is completely okay to not use it yet. No matter how long it would take, it would simply be the time you need and there is truly no due date for that kind of decision. I commend you for listening to your heart, to your intuition, and acting accordingly in a way that includes the preservation of your emotional safety. You’re doing great, and you inspire all of us here to keep trying and pursuing in life, little by little and thoughtfully.
Hold Fast. 
I’m spiraling bad tonight to a point where I am dehydrated and have a migraine from crying for hours. I feel hopeless. I’ve been writing how I feel and it’s not coherent at all. In the middle of me spiraling, I found out that he deleted our movie list. All I have is the copy I made after we broke up. He’s deleted me out of his life and it’s painful. I’ve been thinking about him ALL DAY and the potential future we could’ve had. I don’t wanna live feeling this much pain forever. Yeah people are gonna say this isn’t gonna last forever but I didn’t spiral like this after the break up. This is the first time I’ve spiraled this bad. I’m sick of it!!
hi there,
i’m so sorry that you’re hurting. It sounds like your mind has zoned in on one thing and it making you beat yourself up.
It will be difficult to see logic right now, and I know your emotions are showing you this wonderful future together, but there is a part of you that knows this is not the way it would have gone. A future together would have meant that you were forced to do things you don’t want to, you would have had the choice of certain things taken away from you in order to be with him.
This may not be a useful reply when your grief is so high. Do you have friends or family that you can go to, and just have them comfort you and just be there for you? Take it one moment at a time. Think about what you Can do to make the next five minutes livable, bearable. What do you need right not to make the next five minutes better? migraine meds, water, some tea, some warming vegetable noodle soup? Take care of yourself physically, and it will assist you mentally a tiny bit. A quick shower or listen to some rain or wave sounds on youtube. Take care of you for the next five minutes. This isn’t about him, or anything else. Just you.
Getting over a breakup isn’t a linear path. Sometimes it will be one of the furthest things from mind. Then, something heard or seen, or maybe even a particular smell, can reawaken the grief of loss. A negative experience or a triggered memory can call forward even more painful memories. What follows is the “perfect storm,” often thought of as spiraling.
Do you have previous experience with spiraling? If so, how long did it take to get past the worst of it? What did you find helpful? How was your life going before this relationship existed? Answering these questions may be of benefit.
In your deep longing for connection, you saw in this other person a reflection of your own goodness. Your hope and desire convinced you that this person was someone other than who he was. It was a very disappointing mistaken identity.
The deep longing persists, and that’s what makes it difficult to overcome the spiraling.
Take a moment to acknowledge what a decent, warm and loving person you are. You deserve to be treasured by others, as well as appreciate the gift of your own company.
Sita is right. Do what you need to in order to make it through the day. Then, do it again tomorrow.
I don’t see a point in Continuing. It seems unfair that I have to do so much to keep going. I shouldn’t have to do this. Yeah I make it through today…then what? Life was an enormous struggle with or without him in the picture. I feel hopeless
I’ve even told my therapist numerous times that I don’t like hope because if I’m expecting something bad to happen and it doesn’t happen then it’s a good thing. But with hope, if I’m expecting something good to happen and it doesn’t happen then it’s even more disappointing
I see it as, if someone is in pain and terminally ill, they’re given the option to pull the plug early so they can pass with less pain and dignity.
People love to say that mental and physical health are equally as important so I can’t wrap my mind around why it’s acceptable for somebody to pull the plug because of physical ailments but it’s not for somebody going through mental struggles for the majority of their life and is unable to keep going. I see it as a double standard
let’s go back in time a little bit.
When you were with this guy, in a long distance relationship if I remember it correctly, were you happy? Were your emotions on the positive side?
Were there future plans and goals that you dreamt of?
What was your mental health like then, (if you’re comfortable saying, no details needed)?
Were you motivated? Hopeful? energetic?
What was it like when you had that person in your life?
How did you view yourself?
when we get tunnelled into how we’re feeling right now, it’s hard to remember or beleive anything is real or possible. I wanna remind you of these words, this discovery you had in february, When you realized that you did things for yourself:
A few things got on my nerves. He didn’t understand my family and how even though I’m an adult, I’d have to fight for this relationship because my family would never accept him. He never went on a video call with me and I pretty much had to beg for pictures. Early on in our relationship when we started watching movies together, he wouldn’t even talk. After numerous arguments, I later found out that he was insecure of his English.
BUT
I was confident in myself and my body. I don’t like myself at all. I don’t like my physical appearance or my mental state most days. We wrote to each other every day, numerous times and he never made me feel ignored once.
I can get needy and he didn’t mind that. It felt like the relationship everyone around me wanted. A guy that doesn’t ignore you, likes to spend every second watching movies with you, actually excited and looked forward to spend time with me. He made me feel wanted.
The reason why most days I was looking for an escape in the relationship was my family. I had anxiety throughout the relationship regarding my family. I know they wouldn’t have accepted him and it would’ve been a steep climb to make the relationship work. Most days I spent anxious about making a decision to stay in the relationship or fight to make it work. That is where most of my guilt originally stems from. that’s why I felt that I was never fully committed to the relationship because most days I spent anxious about my family and what kind of support I would have if I ever lost them. I felt guilt for the days I wanted to break up so I wouldn’t have to deal with my family.
My family was a big factor.
The message you quoted from February was also correct. The reason why we eventually broke up was me, not my family but that didn’t erase the guilt I felt throughout our relationship of every time I wanted to break up because of my family.
The ultimate reason for the breakup had to do with me and my needs and that’s why I had that breakthrough moment in February
I was excited to see him in person but most of it was clouded in anxiety because I kept worrying about my dad’s reaction when he finds out. I was scared to think of the future because I didn’t wanna create false hopes because having false hopes hurts more than having no hope at all.
His hobby was fishing and I’m a vegan so I’d worry about little stuff like that. Even in my own house with a vegetarian family, I have separate pots and pans. He had fears about me being pushy. I’m not pushy and I feel that most vegan stereotypes are hurtful and untrue. I told him that I am not a pushy person. Like I wouldn’t stop him from eating whatever he wants but I would prefer my own set of kitchen items because cross contamination is a fear of mine and I’m very particular about certain things so I feel like that would’ve also been a point of friction