There was a lot wrong in the relationship but ultimately, it was the having children conversation that ended up being the reason. Both of us had our flaws so I don’t expect him to be flawless but I can’t get over the good he had in him either. He was the one person I felt I could go to at any time of the day. I’ve never met someone like him and it feels like an impossible search to find someone like him
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It’s difficult for me to say anything nice to myself. I’ve hated myself for the majority of my life. Don’t like how I look, don’t like my weight, my mental health is a whole nother can of worms u don’t wanna open. Idk if I can ever be at peace with myself. Mental stability feels like an impossible task. Self confidence…non existent
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It sounds like you knew it was doomed to end but you have a sense of loyalty and gratitude to him that makes you beat yourself up. The guilt you’re carrying keeps you where you are, even though you know that you have to trust your gut sometimes.
I see in your reply to wings that you’re pretty harsh on yourself. BUTTT I want you to realize that you made this difficult choice for your own wellbeing, for a future where you get to determine whether you want kids or not, etc.
I do hope that you find some self-love and peace, friend. You found one person online who gets you. There is literally no reason in the world to doubt that this is possible again.
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I wish I’d stop feeling like this. Constantly thinking and talking about him is not healthy because all it does is dig a deeper hole. Yet at the same time, I can’t stop thinking about him and how an I suppose to get over him without talking about it. I’m stuck in a loop
I feel so annoying to everyone, not just on this thread but to people I know personally too. I just want this to end. I feel like I’m going crazy. The pain I feel is overwhelming and it’s harder every day to keep going.
I’m so tired. I haven’t had a break my whole life. It’s always something
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i used a song to help me with this. A favourite song that i knew all the words too, and one that the opening notes would make me happy and i’d want to do nothing else but listen to.
As soon as the thought came to my mind, i forced myself to think of the song, and not think of anything but that song until the thought passed. This way i had a concrete method to delay the thoughts. I was thinking of my favourite song so that provided a bit of happiness to counteract the pull of the thoughts. Did this a hundred times an hour if I needed to. And it helped.
Maybe you could try that. Or a short poem or prayer, mantra, affirmation, whatever. Give yourself this space where you put all your energy and focus on what you choose to think about. This helped me retrain my brain, hope it can bring you some relief too.
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Humans create stories about themselves, then they keep telling themselves these stories, day in and day out, in many cases, never missing a day, for their entire lives. A large part of these stories are based on misinformation acquired during early childhood. We proceed to brainwash ourselves into having a very distorted self-concept. Often the result is not having a clue regarding the reality of who we are, what our potential is, or the unique gifts we have to share.
You are not your story! You never were! Even the habitual negative thoughts that keep you insecure and depressed, are not the real you. It’s time to get to know the person you actually are, and have never met before. It won’t happen overnight. It’s a process that occurs a bit at a time, and continues throughout life.
Precious few like how they look. People want to be taller, shorter, lighter, darker, older, younger, skinnier, heavier, smooth hair, curly hair, blonde hair, brunette, etc. Some want a different facial shape, or features. The list of reasons to be discontent about our exteriors goes on forever. Take notice of those individuals who’s appearance doesn’t match the social ideal, and it hasn’t prevented them from being successful. Actually they are in the majority.
When you care about someone, you love the sight of them, just as they are, and they are indeed beautiful, whether or not they match the “breed standard” advertised by the media. Those who care about you welcome the sight of you in the same way.
There is a ton of good in you. You are capable of doing many things. You are sensitive, compassionate, honest and empathetic.
Rewrite your story so it reflects more accurately who you are. Then remind yourself of that story daily or more often as needed.
Treat yourself as you would treat others. That’s how to become fair to yourself. Think about how you’d talk to a friend who is very much like you. That’s how you need to treat yourself.
If you regard yourself truthfully, as a source of light in the world, it will be easier to share the best of yourself with others.
Sending cyber-hugs, Wings
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Another bad night. I was fine until I attempted to sleep. I have work tomorrow so I thought it’d be better if I went to sleep early but all I can think of is him.
It’s comforting to think of him being in bed with me and it’s a crappy feeling when I realize that it’s never gonna happen
I feel so lonely
I just wanna be near him. I don’t want anything else
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Guess who’s back. It’s really early in the morning and I can’t go back to sleep. I’m thinking of him and I can’t stop. He was supposed to visit this month and it’s been rough. A few days ago, I looked at the pictures I had of him (I don’t do that often mostly because we’ve always wrote each other on discord and never video called). I feel more connected to the words we’ve written to each other rather than pictures. It really bothered me when I looked at his pictures a few days ago and felt no deep connection to them. Now all I can think of are his pictures.
My brain is forcing me to make connections. He was supposed to visit in May and all I can think of is doing things we said we’d do together.
I sat with my therapist one night and finally opened up discord. I looked at our DMs and felt relieved he didn’t delete all the messages but I made the mistake of hiding the DMs and now I can’t get them back
I can’t help but beat myself up about it because that was the one thing I felt a strong connection to and ive lost it. I thought I could hide it for a bit because it’s not healthy to go down the hole of past conversations but now all I can think is that it was a stupid thing to do because now I can’t find it.
I would rather lose his pictures than the conversations we’ve had.
I have work in a few hours but I can’t sleep. In a sense, I wanna keep thinking of him but all it’s doing is bringing me pain and regret.
At this point, my suicidal thoughts are coming back because this feels so painful. Funny thing is, he’s the only person I can think of when looking for comfort. I feel so alone
let’s look at it this way.
- you hid the dms (the same time you were with your therapist. Was it their advice?). This decision was taken to PROTECT you from feeling bad, right?
-you are feeling suicidal and your brain wants you to focus on him now, right? And now hiding those dms sounds like a stupid idea.
But when you had the support and were not suicidal, you made the decision to hide the dms. This shows me that that was a HEALTHY thing to do.
The decisions that you want to make right now are not the ones that will be healthy or helpful to your recovery - they’re the ones that will focus on KEEPING you in this pained, hurting, suicidal state.
How have you been taking care of yourself? It’s been a little while, have you started any new hobbies, had exams? What else have you done? You won’t just stop thinking about him. You have to actively create new memories that do not include him, that’s how you will put him in the past. Are you using meditation and mindfulness practices?
Thinking about him brings you pain and regret. Yet you are choosing to do that. You are choosing to not delete ALL this discord messages, you are keeping this channel open when it is only causing you pain. Sure the idea of deleting it feels like a loss, but sometimes a clean break is needed. By holding on to him, you’re making him more important to your life.
I always say it’s better to (select all —> delete) then (block). It’s extreme, but it cuts off the infection completely. Then there are no memories to sit and stare at and try to recall old feelings. Then it’s just me and the things in my head, and that’s where new memories and new activity come in to help push the old ones away. It sounds drastic, but guess what? That’s what you need if the alternative is to question the value of your life.
No person is worth throwing your life away from. You broke up because your life together would have been hell for you. You could not have done what he needed to be happy, and that is what you should also focus on. Be fair to yourself. You saved yourself what, 18+ years of pain and horror that you do not want for yourself. That is you saying that you have value and boundaries, an wishes that need to be heard and respected. Don’t undermine that now. He was NOT the perfect person because he DID NOT align with what you wanted longterm.
It’s easy to use flowery language for an ex and make it seem like they were greater than they were. You had other issues with your family and this etc. Don’t simplify it. Let yourself remember the relationship in its actuality.
2 sessions ago in therapy, I was frustrated that people kept asking me what I liked to do or what hobbies I had because anything I used to like, I don’t like to do anymore. I felt disinterested in everything.
I told my therapist how I feel frustrated with myself because I would try things and easily get disinterested in them. He said he’s the same way and that it’s fine to get disinterested. He gave me ideas on new things to try.
I told him I wanted to get into crocheting (I struggled to say it because I thought it was embarrassing). He mentioned that it’s not something to be embarrassed about, it’s not a bad thing and that he also knows how to.
I got the yarn and the hook yesterday and it was frustrating at first but I can make a chain now. It’s difficult for me to build on it because after u make the first layer, it gets more complicated so I got frustrated again. But that’s what I’ve been doing. He mentioned community theater and recommended a place near where I live because I told him that I’ve auditions for musicals at school before and I like performing (not very good at it).
He encouraged me to go to the community theater and watch people perform but I might do that next month. Idk it’s intimidating
I’ve also gone out to a water park with a friend, watched Doctor Strange 2 with a cousin (that was triggering because a lot of the themes in the movie reminded me of him and I felt really depressed during it because I had hoped to watch a movie with my ex in person since all we ever did watch watch movies on discord because of the distance)
My company does this thing where we volunteer our time once a year and get paid for it. This year they’re really pushing going as a group rather than volunteering individually so I’m going to a park in the morning tomorrow and we’ll be gardening for half the day and working the other half of the day
I’m going to a wedding this Saturday
I’m going to a concert in two weeks and another concert next month.
I’ve been feeling exhausted emotionally and been feeling burnt out at work. It also didn’t help that my job removed the hybrid schedule and now I have to go to the office everyday
May has been really crappy for me financially too. I had to pay $700 for a physical therapy treatment and had to get over my fear of asking for time off at work because I have to do the physical therapy, twice a week for 3 weeks. I’ve been going to work a few hours late on the days I have the physical therapy and work still feels like torture.
I used to love my job but now I’m so over it
I also had to spend $290/month for another treatment I’m going through. It brought back a lot the anxiety I have over money and that’s also something I’ve been trying to work on in therapy.
Everything feels so difficult and randomly remembering my ex is the icing on the cake
My therapist didn’t tell me to hide the DMs. He’s not familiar with discord at all. I thought if I hid the DMs for a bit, it would help in the sense that I’m not staring at our conversations everytime I open the app. But the conversations we’ve had meant a lot to me and not being able to retrieve them makes me feel awful. It feels like I’ve lost another thing I valued.
I get that I deleted them with the intention that it was the healthy thing to do but it doesn’t make it any less painful.
I guess I can’t find them because he probably unfriended me on discord
are you familiar with Twitch? One of the HeartSupport streamers is the lovely Megs_26, who does “Mom craft”, lots of embroidery and crafting stuff, very lovely to watch, and it’s a super lovely place to hang out. There’s a whole lot of different types of streams, maybe you can check it out, it’s a great way to just be in a supportive place with really nice folks, and interact with each other too.
Maybe this could give you something additional that you can do, and maybe it’ll help you not to feel so alone.
If he unfriended you on discord, then what’s stopping you from doing so too?
Looking at old conversations can reinforce how you used to feel. But you’re not that person anymore - that persons didn’t know that this guy wanted things you couldn’t give. That person didn’t know what you’re going through right now. So those conversations are from a past time, with two people who have since changed a lot. If he’s deleted you, then that shows that he has changed too. Holding on to the past like that means you’re holding on to someone who has changed, and is not even the same person you’re thinking about.
I don’t mean to be mean, just hoping that some of these words can offer you comfort that you’re a great person and deserve to be at peace and be happy by yourself! I hope that you can find enjoyment in all of all these activities. Make new memories, when the thought of him starts up, firmly remind yourself that he is not here to be a part of it, and so he doesn;t get to taint the new memories.
ALSO
you took the break up so hard because you called it off, because you could not give him what he wanted. I just want to point out that he didn’t give up the things he wanted either. So he agreed with the breakup because those things were more important for him to have as well. So the blame and guilt you’re feeling is not just yours. He would have ended it too once you two had the talk about it. I get that it still hurts, but please don’t feel guilty about it ending
Yeah I’m familiar with twitch, I’ll take a look at the channel
I don’t know. This was my first relationship ever. I’ve been very impatient with myself and I keep putting pressure on myself to get over him faster and all it’s done is cause me to go backwards. I’m trying every day and it’s a very difficult thing to process. Maybe it’s easier for him to delete me out of his life because that’s how he handles breakups but it’s not that easy for me
I also deal with a bunch of mental health issues that cause me to be impulsive and I deal with having intrusive thoughts
I’m trying medication again but I’m having the same struggle as the last time I tried. Side effects and ineffectiveness
Everything feels like it’s working against me and I’m tired of it all
I don’t know. This was my first relationship ever. I’ve been very impatient with myself and I keep putting pressure on myself to get over him faster and all it’s done is cause me to go backwards. I’m trying every day and it’s a very difficult thing to process. Maybe it’s easier for him to delete me out of his life because that’s how he handles breakups but it’s not that easy for me.
Take all the time you need. This is a real grief that you are going through. The emotions it creates can’t be forced. It would be absolutely amazing to be able to just “get over it”, but your heart needs time, and your mind too. For a little while you’re going to keep feeling this division between what you know rationally as being healthy, and how you feel about the situation. I promise you that it does get better, slowly but surely. And to be fair, since he was supposed to visit during this month, it’s not surprising that you feel like moving backwards a little bit. Grief is about slowly letting go of all these connections that we have with someone (or something) so we can give them a different place in our life.
What you are experiencing with the removed DMs is also likely to create intrusive thoughts. One day, you feel okay with it, but suddenly another day there’s a bunch of nostalgia and vulnerability that urges you to find comfort in it again… but you can’t find it, which creates distress too. It feels like there isn’t closure with those messages, which makes it hard to let them go.
You are slowly learning to not go to him in order to find the comfort you need. You are on your way to discover new ways to fulfill your own needs. Is that something you’ve been working on with your therapist? If not, it might be a topic to bring up next time you see them. It’s not all about having something less in your life, but also transitioning to something new. It’s possible to feel whole again, little by little, and by figuring out new ways to take care of yourself, find comfort and safety when you feel vulnerable. 
From: Aces MCL36M
Hallos! Im sorry that you both broke up. You may be thinking about him a lot but he’s also most likely thing about you as well. Things will get back on track with you’re life sooner than you know it. Time heals all wounds. I can’t really say much on the relationship side of stuff but on the mental side, all of us at heart support are here for you. You’re loved you’re valued and respected.
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From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hey Stuck, Thank you for posting your update, there are certain times of the day or night when people are at their most vunerable and that was one of yours wasnt it? That was tough and I am sorry that happened. It is so hard when these thoughts just keep piling through your head and there is just no way to control them, its a time when there is nothing much else you can do either so you literally have to just be there and put up with it, it is truly awful. I want to tell you that this does stop and it does, it really does but right now I dont know if that is going to really help in this moment. The other suggestion is in those moments is to try some form of meditation to try to refocus you thoughts on to something else until you go back to sleep. I would love to take those thoughts and feelings away as I remember them well and how they feel. It may also be worth not looking up past things for now until it doesnt hurt so much? just a suggestion. You will get past this friend, it hurts so much now but the cliche of time is a healer is true. Much Love Lisa xx
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