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I'm not ok

I feel so bad. I feel so worthless and empty. I feel so lost…
I just want everything to go back to the way it was… I want my fucking boyfriend back.
I want the relationship we had back…
I keep telling myself I did it for a reason.
Our relationship was so fucking toxic. He was so fucking toxic.
But I love him so much… still.
It’s like I can’t get away from him. He’s constantly in my dreams. He’s constantly in my thoughts.
In my dreams he tortures me.
Im lucky if I have a night that he’s not in my dreams.

I was with him for three years. We were planning on getting married and having kids… oh what a dream that was. I really thought it would happen.
Its been three months since I broke it off with him.
And it still hurts like hell…
It might feel even worse now.
There was so much wrong. Soooo much wrong. I still fucking love him even though with all of the shit he pulled in the beginning and throughout our relationship.

This isn’t even everything I’m depressed about. Everything feels so heavy and I just want to end it all. Theres this other thing I’ve been thinking too much about and it scares me. There’s just too much to say in this post.

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Hey Beautiful,

I’m so sorry for your breakup. Feeling empty and lost in this situation makes sense. It’s a massive change in your life and you’re learning to create a new normal without this person. Your heart and your mind need time to process and heal. It’s okay to feel depressed about it. But it’s also good that you let these thoughts out and share all of this. This community is here to support you, anytime. :hrtlegolove:

As you mention that this person was very toxic, then you made the right choice. I don’t know what happened between you two, but your own safety and well-being are a priority. Always. Sometimes people don’t know how to love without hurting others. It was about him. Not you.

You’re grieving, friend. And through all of this, you’ll need as much love and compassion as possible. I know it’s disturbing to know what is right in a situation, like breaking up with someone who’s no good for you, yet to keep feeling differently. Your heart needs time. You will heal, one day after another. You won’t hurt forever as it does right now. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to express it in healthy ways, like reaching out, journaling or doing things that fill your heart with joy. Just gentle acts of self-care a bit everyday.

I’m rooting for you. :hrtlegolove: