I’m not supposed to be upset about our mother. I’m not supposed to be attached to her. I’m not supposed to miss her. But for some reason I do. it makes no sense, she was horrible to us, she was horrible to ME. She let these things happen and I’m not supposed to miss her, so why do i? Why do i have to feel how I did back in 7th grade? Feeling overwhelming grief just remembering her. She’s going to die soon, and I’m never going to have gotten to see her.
-Mysteri
Hey, dont feel weird about missing her. I dont know the full situation but I am so sorry for what you are going through. I cant imagine how tuff it must be. Of course when someone is supposed to be a parent figure in our lives it is natural to long for a sense of closeness to them or long for them to be good to us. Just remember ; family is not all just flesh and blood:) practice some self care and be gentle with yourself right now. its okay to not be okay. You are awesome, hold fast
Hey Mysteri,
You are allowed to have mixed feelings about your mother. Relationships are complex, especially when it’s about parents or family. We don’t choose our biological family, yet they’re part of our life one way or another and impact us, even when we don’t know them. When a parent hurt you, it’s common to feel divided about them and to feel lost regarding your relationship with them. Somehow it would be so much easier if we could give in the pain and anger, and just erase someone from our life. But memory remains, and our heart is more complex than this. We can feel attachment and rejection, anger and sadness, love and hate, all at once. As you said: you’re experiencing grief, and grief is a very complex process made of so many different emotions.
I understand how you feel, from a personal perspective. While I grew up, my mom was abusive and it’s been almost a year that I have stopped talking to her because I couldn’t handle the anxiety that I would feel for just thinking about her. This decision has brought so many layers of grief that I wasn’t even aware of, and I’m still trying to process it. I’m scared about the day she’ll pass away, or when my dad will. I’m scared of this kind of decisive, future event that would put me down again and force me to mourn this relationship while I still wish that things would have been easier. Even just know, I can tell that grieving someone who is still alive, grieving the love I was supposed to have yet never received, is one of the most difficult thing I’m forced to go through. It’s a painful process made of many times when we feel lost because emotions are too intense. My heart goes out to you, friend.
Know that there isn’t any “should” or “shouldn’t” feel in this situation. How you feel is valid, even if it’s hard for you to understand it at times. You’ll manage to put words on your experience, but now might be a time for feeling and not rationalizing, which is okay. Your heart is processing something painful. Your mind is trying to make sense of a situation that can be hard to emphasize sometimes. You’re not wrong for feeling how you feel, no matter how it is.
Through all of this, take care of yourself as much as possible. Your heart is a sacred place, even when it feels like there’s a storm inside. Peace will be more present again, at its own time. 
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