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I'm not worth it, why do I try?


#1

I can’t do anything right. I just dropped out of High School last week because I’m a failure and I am still incredibly stressed. Physically my back is always hurting and emotionally I’m shattered. I have been trying to work on my trauma and stuff like that but I can’t. It hurts too much to think about the fact that as a kid I was raped and sexually assaulted continuously for an extended period of time at school. That son of a bitch had nothing done to him.
I have no personal friends and I can’t rely on my family because I don’t feel comfortable with them. I’m incredibly lonely and drown my sorrow in spending 20+ hours a day on my computer because I am scared of the outside world. I cannot stop running. I’m lonely and depressed. 3 of my best friends committed suicide and the end of last year/very early this year and I their anniversaries are coming up and it reminds me that I did nothing to help them.
I am laughing and cracking jokes on the outside and I always say I’m tired because I am ashamed to say that I don’t want to be alive anymore.
100% Of people die, why don’t I end it early? I know I don’t have the nerve to do it but I really want to. I put my trust into the wrong people and I feel like no one would miss me and I would be doing them a favor.
I can’t do anything right. I don’t know why I even bother trying. The people I look up to the most wouldn’t care.


#2

OK, I am going to tell you some words that took me nearly 40 years to understand, and it’s going to be as deep aa it’s simple. Are you ready? The words are ‘Says who?’
Who claims you can’t do anything right? Who says you are a failure? I agree that you’re pretty stuck in a deep dark hole of your psyche, but what I am hoping to reach is just that last bit of clear thinking that hasn’t been enveloped by the pointless self-loathing that is ruling your life. Because it is you who is telling yourself you are worthless, and there is no running away from that. And I should know, I’ve been there. And I got out.
Do you want to know how? By each day trying, just trying, to be a better person than the day I was before. And before your nihilistic instinct kicks in and tells you it is pointless rubbish I am spouting, consider this. Is this the person you want to be for the rest of your life, or do you want something better? And if you want something better, then you need to find a way to get there. By just trying to improve on yourself each day, you will slowly claw yourself out of that dank gravel pit you are finding yourself in. Sure there will be days where you slip back down, but all the gravel you kick down will form a more solid, just a little bit higher foundation than you were on before. It works. Just try.
First day throw something in the bin instead of leaving it out to rot. Second day aspire to do it again, and if you find you could, do it again. Each dat you’ll clear just a tiny bit of that massive mound of problems, until it becomes a hill you can climb out of and finally see and feel the sun shine on your face. Because that is the goal, to find peace. Don’t compare yourself to others, because there always be someone smarter, richer, more powerful. Leave your past where it is, stop looking down into the abyss, and start aiming upwards.
It’s going to be a difficult climb, but I believe in you. I did it, and so can you. My life was utter shit, and now I am an author with 14 books to my name, I draw portraits, and sing on a Twitch channel. Are my books any good? Are my drawings worth being in a gallery? Is my voice worth listening to? I don’t know, and I just stopped giving a fuck about the voice of self-hate, or those of others intent on pulling me down. I just do them because they are things I enjoy doing. That is the way you silence your voice of self-loathing. Just stop sitting and whallowing, start doing things. Anything that is not aimed down is up.

I hope my voice carries deep enough into your darkness for you to hear me. I amuphere, calling down to you, and my hand is outstretched, but you need to climb to reach it.
You. Are. Not. Alone.

Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy


#3

What he said ^ you’ve got this man. You are loved, and appreciated, and I believe in you whole heartedly.

Matt Daddy


#4

Ethan

I love you so so so SO MUCH. MORE than I can express.

You are my homie.

Homies help homies always.

Message me. We are here for you.

Keep fighting.

Love you. Appreciate you.


#5

Ethan, I love you. There is never a dull moment when you’re around. If you were to die so many people would be heartbroken and I know it would break me and the others.
I know how it feels to not be able to rely on your family - my family are abusive and I can’t talk to them, they see my self harm scars and call me pathetic and an idiot, saying I’m just attention seeking. I also for the last week have had some really intense suicidal thoughts - they have been getting too much and I spend most days on the verge of tears every minute I’m awake. I’m sorry you don’t have the support outside of this community, I’m in pretty much the same situation there. You are always there to encourage me and everyone else to keep fighting when we feel like giving up so, please, let us fight for you for a little while and help you build your strength back up. That’s what real family does, and you’re a part of this family whether you like it or not. The people of this community are the only thing keeping me alive at the moment, if that’s how it is for you right now, that’s okay. We’re here with you EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. You know better than most how this community works and loves Ethan. Let us give that to you now. PLEASE don’t give up. Keep being honest with us and trusting us… The more you do that, the easier it’ll be to eventually start working through that trauma. It’s okay that you dropped out of school if you need to take some time to get better - you can always go back later on. You’re not a failure. You can only fail if you give up, and you’re not. You’re reaching out and trying - that makes you a winner. We’ve got you, you’re not on your own ever.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#6

@StHaTaDi-Ethan ,
let me tell you this you are NOT a failure. I know its hard with people being butts at school but to be honest you leaving school is showing them they won . please dont run away . things will get better with in time. please dont end your life early your life is precious. by the way , WE WILL miss you,and no you wouldnt be doing us a favor. just to let you know we care about you and we want to see you get better. also , i just want to let you know , you can get through this you are not alone. last year i was threatened by a girl who … doesnt like anyone but guys . and she threatened to kick me and kick me out of the seat. i know its hard but we can be there for you, be your shoulder and we can listen to what you have to say.something ive felt here and there is i felt like a burden , i felt like no one would i called a friend would be here to listen to me to my issues and it would just hurt me it made me feel alone. But its taken time for me to realize im not one.


#7

Hi Ethan!

I feel a lot of what you’re saying :pensive: I believe you when you feel like continuing isn’t worth it but I urge you to keep fighting. And even if you’re not sure exactly what you’re fighting for, you can fight for a better future even if you don’t what that likes like yet. From what I’ve heard from people in chat I can’t help but believe that you mean a lot to a whole lot of people and this world would not be as good of a place without you. Thank you for sharing and being open with how you feel because that’s the only way for things to get better. I’m rooting for you Ethan!

Love,
Raffi (Shnaff) :blush:


#8

I am sure you do a lot of little things right and forgot some bigger ones you have done or said in the past and your more recent personal history.


#9

I see so much of my younger self in your words. Let me tell you what took me 30 years to learn. You are not worthless! You are amazing and you will do amazing things in your lifetime if you allow yourself the chance.

I was sexually abused by my sister’s father in-law and I spoke up about it and I got called a liar by my own sister. I was 5 when I was called a liar. So I understand feeling like you can’t turn to family or friends. But after everything that I have been through and sticking it out for the last 30 years even when I have felt the way you have, I have come to find that there are so many people who have gone through similar things and that understand the pain that you live with. And just know that we are here for you to help you through your pain if you ever need it.

You are worthy of this life and everything good that is in it. It won’t always be sunshine and rainbows but there are good moments that are worth it

You are amazing. You are loved. You are appreciated. <3


#10

Hey, I know life can get very painful sometimes, even for a long time until you feel like you’re losing confidence and think that giving up would be easier. But it is precious and valuable and you are amazingly put together and put on this earth for this time and you can get through this and have a tomorrow that will connect and touch many people’s lives. You have a future that can’t be destroyed by anyone but you if you chose to give up on it. So fight through it and get angry at the lies that you’re believing that are trying to make you feel down and helpless. You are loved and you will have an impact on this world when you get through this. Reach out and find love with whoever you need to, this community if you can’t think of anyone else at the moment.


#11

hey ethan, thanks for sharing & being around


#12

Hey @StHaTaDi-Ethan Here is our video response from our livestream. Hold Fast my friend.


#13

I hope only the good for you. May you find the strength you need and the friends & love you desire. Blessed be.