I feel like I’ve been just getting through this week experiencing things at a distance. I’m laughing and I’m smiling but I don’t really feel it? I feel completely numb and empty inside. Idk what’s wrong with me. Yesterday I went out with a group of friends and all I could think of was the amount of calories in my food… (I used to battle anorexia and bulimia) I have no clue why I started thinking of that again and I now feel disgusting and I can’t stand to look in the mirror and see my body and how different it looks from when I was struggling. I hate having to think about food and how many calories everything contains… I was able to just shut down those thoughts of calories for so long and yesterday I just couldn’t. The numbers just kept coming and the voice in my head kept screaming “Stop, you’re fat enough” and I know I’m at a healthy weight but I feel obese again. At 135 pounds I feel obese and disgusting. I feel like, the old me is just coming back and the new me is just standing there watching myself start to go through this again and even as I type this I feel distant… Like I’m the voice in the back of my head, like I’m not really in control. Something’s wrong again.
Recovering from eating disorders is a journey that takes so much strength and courage. I just want you to know how much I admire your strength and how amazing and wonderful it is that you kept fighting the way you did! I am sorry to hear that those old thoughts came through again when you were out with your friends though. That must be exhausting and frustrating, but it sounds like you are aware that the voice telling you all those things isn’t speaking truth and that is a wonderful thing! Taking note of how we are feeling and recognizing when something isn’t quite right, isn’t always easy and you are able to check in with yourself and know when to reach out when things are feeling different which is great!
I feel as though with recovery, there will be times where old thought processes will come up out of nowhere because counting calories and thinking about food and how much is in what was something you did regularly. So know that although those old thought patterns came up, it does not mean you will automatically slip back into old ways. It just means you are still in the process of healing which is ok because recovery is a process in and of itself. So there will be good and bad days. With that being said, do you think the feelings of being numb and experiencing life from a distance are stemming from the old thoughts regarding food? Or was that something that you experienced in addition to the feelings of being numb?
Know that we are here for you, love you and want to support you as best we can!