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Belongs to: Therapist analyzes Su!cIde by Ren
im opening up finally in this comment section. i lost my childhood friend. he chose a hotel and a rope. i cant deal with it. i loved him like a brother. i spent the most summers as a kid with him. and he chose to do what i couldnt do. just like you Taylor. its the reason i want to volunteer as a therapist. i know the feeling of the world crashing. i couldnt hold it in anymore when you held your head down and cried. I FEEL IT. and i wish i didnt… (edit) sorry your reaction still makes me cry. this song still makes me cry. I just dont know what else to say, I was there, and he gave up when I loved him…
I am grateful to you for finally opening up, sharing your story and how you feel. I am also so incredibly sorry that you lost your friend, it is quite clearly and understandably weighing heavily on you.
It is tragic to lose a friend at a young age by any means but when it is by their own hand it seems so unnecessary, so preventable and hits your heart that much harder. It also feels dreadfully unfair both that the person concerned ever felt that way and that they chose to leave you.
It is so hard to recover from because it is shocking, unexpected and something most never imagine ever having to deal with, the grief that comes with it can be even more complicated due to the anger felt towards that person for not asking for help, not speaking up, that is a normal emotion when someone does something drastic and shocking with no explanation, the extensive shock and anger, hurt and guilt of wondering if you could have done something, seen something is bound to extend the grief process which can feel endless at the best of times.
You do need to take care of yourself in all of this sadness and pain there is a person who needs support and love, who in a ideal would will reach out to other close friends and family and let them know also that this is all taking its toll, be kind to yourself, you deserve that, you have been through a great deal. It will get better with time. It wont leave you but it will get easier and one day the memory of your friend will bring smiles of the good memories instead of the negative ones regarding him leaving.
Your friend made a choice to go, not to leave you but to leave, I have no doubt that he did and still does love you dearly and would want you to live your life for you and with joy and love in your heart. I truly hope that is your future. Best of luck. Lisa. X
You don’t have to apologize for the tears, friend. They are absolutely welcome here, and it’s healthy to release them - always. It shows wounds that you are still carrying, and it’s okay to just let it out when the pain feels overwhelming.
It makes completely sense to still feel the pain of losing your friend. When someone leaves us to suicide, they take a part of us with them. It’s hard to makes sense out of life when you are confronted firsthand to something so brutal, so heartbreaking, so sudden. Your world changes entirely, and it’s objectively hard to keep walking when it feels like a part of your own world has completely stopped. Hard to be in movement when it feels like someone you love is left behind you, stuck in time. You are absolutely not wrong for feeling the way you do, and I’m so thankful personally that you have decided to talk about it here. The pain you’ve been feeling and carrying with you does not need to be silenced or hidden. It’s a reflectoin of how much you love your friend.
I hope the tears brought a bit of relief at the time. Not that it changes reality, but that at least it could give you a moment to breathe a little more deeply. To allow yourself to feel and take care of yourself as your vulnerability is expressed. You are advocating from this pain and trauma you’ve been experiencing, and there is no doubt that you will keep bringing goodness into this world.
