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I'm ready for suicide

Don’t pity me. Don’t patronize me. Don’t feel sorry for me.

I spend my time doing good, I volunteer my time day in and day out, I work and a do so much for my community and everyone I can help I try. This is how I justify staying alive. I haven’t run out of people to help, but I have run out of emotional energy to keep it going.

I have struggled with my depression and suicidal tendencies for a long time. Since I was young. I have been on my antidepressants for almost half a year now and they did help a little. I exercise daily, I practice CBT methods, I have heart supports books and a swath of people I know would be devastated if I were to go through with this.

But I don’t care anymore. I’ve tried it before only to fail because the most evil person in my life pulled me down. Years and years later; I’m alone now, I’m ready to try again. I don’t know why I’m posting here because I don’t want you to save me. I only really came here because I was waiting on the suicide hotline for over an hour. I did my part to try to get over it, but Im exhausted. It’s time.

I have been in the same mind set as you in the past. Don’t let evil drag you down. It is not worth ending your life over. There are bigger and better things out there for everybody. Think of the people who would be devastated. Just because you’re “ready” does not mean it is your time. You’re not alone, you are loved.

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I appreciate you, and I understand that I’m not alone in feeling this way but the feel good statements and suicidal guilt don’t do it for me anymore because I don’t feel guilty for dying. We all die. I’ve had my journey, I’ve been through the highest highs and lowest lows. It’s all lost its luster. This is less of an emotional reaction and more of a biological component of my being, I want to die and I’m ready for it.

It’s not about feeling guilty or being ready to die. Your journey is not over yet my friend. Your lowest could be some elses high. Keep your head up high. Sometimes just having someone to talk to is all it takes to turn a bad period around. Go out and do something you enjoy that won’t cause harm to yourself or anyone else. There has to be something you’ve always wanted to do, but never had the chance to do. What kind of stuff do you enjoy?

It’s over when I say it’s over, that’s my power in all of this. I understand the empathetic response and I don’t mean to argue with you on this. My journey over the past number of years has been filled with objectively low lows but that’s not what I’m sad about. My brain makes me sad. I’ve heard the feel good statements, the mind over matter phrases and other distractions. I wanted to move away and volunteer, I’ve done that. I’ve put more good back into the world than I have taken out of it. I have to work every single day to survive and if I chose to keep going it would only be more of that. No going and doing the things I want, no friendships, no relationships, no money, no real life. I wake up and I work until I go to bed. There isn’t an option outside of that. I could give up and go home but that’s an option that’s worse to me than killing myself. At least when I’m dead I don’t have to deal with the emotional turmoil of being alive.

No need to apologize, you’re upset and feeling down, i get that. Ot happens to the best of us. I have to work every day to survive too, just like the majority of people. I’m a single father to a 3 year old who is drowning in debt and has no help from anybody. I never get to go out and do what I want either, i barely have any friends, and have no relationship. I can promise you that it does get better. We all need to be picked back up when we fall sometimes.

I genuinely hope your situation gets better bud. Your life has meaning and dependants. You have reason, I do not. I’m tired of it all and that’s all I have to look forward to for the next year or two. This life business is overrated.

You do have reason, as you said how much you help and give back to your community and everybody you can. You have family, who i’m sure would be very upset if something happened to you. You serve a purpose in this thing called life.

I had reason, that was my reason to not die, I came out here to do my part and hopefully make my feelings about this go away. It worked for the first year, but I can’t justify it anymore. I starve, I hurt, I work 12 hours a day 7 days a week, this isn’t a life. This is slavery to life. My family would be hurt, but that’s a drop in the bucket. My family is small and we will all fizzle out eventually. They’ll be hurt, but, life goes on for them.

Your family would be a lot more hurt than you think they would be. Life may go on for them, but a big chunk of their life would be missing and they would never get that back. Tomorrow is a new day. I have to get to bed, but i’ll leave a line from As I Lay Dying that really helps me when i’m going through some tough times.
“Sometimes we have to watch our whole lives fall apart,
Before we can rebuild them again,
A greater foundation”

Again I appreciate you. I stopped caring about how it’ll effect them, I won’t be around to perceive their sadness as selfish as it is, if I can be selfless for years I think it’s justifiable I do this one thing for me.

My life fell apart, I put it back together to find the foundation is cracked. Sleep well bud, safe travels.

Hi @North

I read your conversation and I’d like to check on you if you allow me. How are you doing since your last message?

Hi. Tough question, I’m not necessarily emotionally charged but still in the same place.

Alright. Thank you for responding. I’m glad you’re here.

You’re absolutely right, life can be incredibly insane and feels like hell sometimes, a never ending turmoil. Especially when you feel that you have to fight everyday. I get this, sincerely.

You said you practice CBT, have HS books, exercise daily, even that your treatment is helping a little. That sounds pretty positive. It means that there was a moment, not so far away from now, when you decided to give a try to all of this. Why not keep going on? What changed since the moment you started all of this?

At one point I believed that if I sincerely tried that this would all go away. When you’re in this place you think that there is a cure all, that as long as you do all the things, check all the boxes that you will be fixed. I legitimately thought that was it. I thought that if I believed in the method, did the things, and sincerely made an attempt at changing my routines and behaviors in a positive way I thought that I’d be able to justify pressing on and that little by little it would get easier. As the fortune cookies say. In a way they did, but also over time have diminishing returns. Now, I don’t have the self depreciating thoughts that lead me to this place, this is just where I am. I’m predisposed to be this way because that’s how my brain is wired. Nothing changed per say, I’m just exhausted. I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel anymore and I can’t justify the ends to my means. This is life. Life is a struggle. It doesn’t get easier, they just stay difficult in different ways. I sincerely think I could have everything I’ve ever wanted but because of how my head works, I’ll still be where I am now. There isn’t an escape from this.

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I see. That makes sense. And to be honest we certainly all tend to think that there is, somewhere, a magic wand that could heal everything. It’s also probably due to the way we see mental health or disorders in general. Something that has to be “healed” absolutely.

It’s not to make a resume of my life, but I have a chronic depression. I tried a bunch of things and that’s right: exercise, antidepressants and else are not a cure in itself. Mostly things that help you to get back on your feet. So it’s still something positive and important to take. Even if it helps just a little.

Healing can be more a process than a destination for some of us. But what if it’s still possible to breath again during the process? You’re considering your future based on your past. I understand. You’ve been suffering for a long time and that’s not fair. It’s quite normal to feel exhausted. There are days, seasons in my life when I’m too. But life isn’t linear and nothing is already written. You and me can’t pretend to know what’s going to be in the future. I have examples in my life when I’ve been positively surprised. By others, by this world and how it functions sometimes. I’m pretty sure you already experienced this too. Even if it was about things you consider as being insignificant.

There are two things I’d like to emphasize, from what you said earlier.

First, it may be my opinion, although neurobiology tends to highlight this more and more: suicidal thoughts may feel like a choice but it’s more a biological response from your brain that prevents you to consider other possibilities. You feel stuck, trapped, you see things negatively and even if you’d like to, you can’t see this light you need. Allowing yourself to breathe, to take your time during those moments, definitely helps. You’ve been struggling for a long time. But when you feel ready for suicide, as you said, it’s still not your choice. It’s the result of a situation that’s weighing on your shoulders from a long time. Allow yourself to take the time you need to let this fog goes away from your brain. Decisions, the ones that are yours, has to be taken when you don’t feel pressured by yourself. Otherwise, it’s like signing a contract while having your eyes closed. I believe in you and the fact that deep inside you know that.

The second thing I wanted to say is that CBT, treatment, exercise etc. may be a helpful combination to you in order to keep going on everyday, but there is still something important that remains: the meaning you put in your life, the sense of purpose you need deep inside. You said you’ve been volunteering and helped others. That’s really good to hear and I thank you for what you did. But maybe now it’s time to think about a new strategy. To find our way in this life, we need to try things, basically. Depression, sadness, is difficult to handle but it’s not necessarily your enemy. It can also be viewed as a red flag your mind is showing you. Yea… our brains aren’t pretty great at sending clear messages. Yet, once you take a step back from how it makes you feel, you can see it as it is: a way to tell you that something is missing deep inside. There’s no need to think about it as something huge. It’s fair enough that our impact on this planet will remain pretty small. Yet it’s not insignificant as long as we focus on the present moment.

So now that you’ve build a pattern of healthy habits, in other words the conditions you need to get a bit your head out of the water, you may need to take a new step further. Because even if all of this help, it can start to seem a bit mechanical and doesn’t impact what’s going on deep inside, at your core. I know that, for me, there were many moments when it felt like I was functioning, but not existing. So maybe it’s time to dig deeper. This moment could actually be a very interesting turning point in your life and, from my perspective and based on what you said, you already have a great sense of self-awareness. What do you want to do in your life? What makes sense to you? What values do you hold? What’s not satisfying at all right now? Why are your actual resources?

I hope I don’t sound like I’m patronizing you or anything. It’s really not my intention to do that. It’s just that I think you pointed out some very interesting things.

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I forgot to add this, but there was this article recently published on the HS resources, it brings interesting insights, at least as an introduction: https://blog.heartsupport.com/your-anxiety-is-trying-to-tell-you-something-891318d3f66c

It’s about anxiety, but I think it can be applied to other mental health issues.

Some things you shared also made me think about this TedTalk in particular. The speaker tend to highlight some pretty subtle things and brings an interesting perspective over depression, even though we can absolutely reject some elements of it, as it remains highly personal and intimate:

It’s not a lot, but I hope this could help a bit in your own journey.
Hold fast.

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have you ever tried smoking cannabis? specifically, fruity sativa strains. i used to believe that cannabis was a drug that only losers used. then i smoked some and that heavy slab of depression lifted of me like magic. i couldn’t believe it. that inspired me to become a nurse. genocide in my country keeps me from working as a nurse but if death is your last resort, don’t chuck in the towel without giving cannabis a try first.

hey @North ,
you are not alone , i was once in a spot where i wanted to kill my self . about a year later im doing better no thoughts about killing myself , im 2 years clean. Tbh you need to reach out to a professional . this is not the end . Please contact a professional or someone who you truly care about to seak help. this is not the end .

  • Ashley