Everything hurts one moment then numbs and feels like nothing the next. I’m always feeling so fucking hollow, I’m pretending to my friends and loved ones that I’m healing, that I’m getting better, I’m seriously trying to heal, but somedays for absolutely no reason I feel so down and sad and js burnt out, I sometimes feel the burning sensation of constant anger, my anger issues have gotten so bad to the point I’m kicking the walls of my house when I’m angry, I throw things and break things or just throw anything that’ll do as much damage as I want without anyone hearing me, I get so angry I feel like crying but even then I can’t cry because it’s so hard to cry now, I want support but then I feel as though I’m using people as a result, and I can’t help but suffer from inadequacy issues, I constantly feel as though I’m not good enough, I’ll pick up a hobby or interest but then fall out of it because others are more devoted to it than me or others are more talented in it than me, it’s almost to the point I’m paralyzed, I can’t even move sometimes from feeling like I’m not good enough or from severe jealousy, and it has also started physically hurting a lot.
Hey @TeacupFairiesXOXO I won’t lie, I’m the same. I’ve been dealing with that numb feeling for, at least, 2 years. Before it was this feeling of emptiness? I dunno, but I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I wish I could help, I really do but I’m also trying to find out what happens there. I’ll tell you what I’ve grown to. When I get mad or sad or anything really, and I need to be grounded, I hug a stuffie. For Valentine’s day I got a life-sized stuffie, and I find it helpful to hold it. I’d love to continue talking to you, tbh, it’s nice knowing someone else is feeling the same. I want to find where this feeling’s coming from, but I don’t want it to leave? I dunno, do you kinda feel like you’d be someone else if you lost it? Also welcome to the community! Hope you enjoy it!
It’s so hard to feel like everything you do and say is just never right, never inadequate somehow. That no matter how much you try, there’s never any satisfaction or reward at the end of the day. It’s even more painful and draining when there’s such deep emotions behind it. You want to control it but at the same time it needs to be expressed, otherwise it would consume you even more. I imagine how frustrating it must be for you to feel stuck between these emotions and not finding yet the right way to channel/externalize them. Just how lonely it is sometimes to kick the walls while hoping that no one hears it.
Anger can be so powerful and all consuming. For me personally, it has been an emotion I’ve repressed for most of my life and tends to build up as depression and lethargy. It’s frustrating when you feel so many things deep inside but just can’t seem to find a right way to express it. It feels as if you’re experiencing everything very deeply while also not having a real grip on your inner world. It makes you become someone you don’t want to be, or behave in ways you disapprove.
I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling so burdened and overwhelmed lately. I hope that you’ve been experiencing some positive change since you posted here - even just a little bit. There’s no doubt that you’ve been carrying your fair share of burdens and inner battles, and you deserve so much to get some rest my friend. It’s hard to see our own value and worth when we’re struggling, but I want to just send a friendly reminder your way that you do matter. Sometimes our mind plays endless tricks to convince us otherwise - and oh man it can be creative on that matter and challenges every fiber of our being. It’s even more creative when we feel emotionally exhausted. But these lies don’t define you. You are enough just as you are - regardless of how much you have it all together, or how vulnerable you feel. You are allowed to be human. 