Im silently hurting inside

[all_around_ashley]

Back story on situation(s) :
So growning up when my grandparents were staying with the family and I , i would have some sort of i guess "Love hate " relationship with my grandmother. Sometimes things were hard to do or say towards her cause i never knew what the hell was going to happen . I never knew the outcome of if i were to say something what would be said back to me . I wouldnt call this a toxic relationship at all . I know she had cared about younger me . I had hard time standing up for myself , what was easy for me . I remember one specific incident where i got hit with a pair of socks due to the fact i accidently threw a ball at someones no no square when i was younger and throwing a fit … There was so many other situations that i cant really remember.

So where do i begin with how i am feeling since theres the back story of the situation…?
Off and on my grand mother wasnt doing so well do to the fact she was in her 80’s and in a nursing home … I went up for acouple days to hopefully get to see her and wasnt alowed do , to fricken CDC gidelines due to covid … blah blah blah … we ended up going back home acouple days later… Fast forward to a sunday my dad came in to me he has to go upstate to go see her cause his mom ( my grandmother ) isnt doing well fast forward to the 16th i found out my grandmother passed away , i found out through social media through my uncle . that day or day(s) before i had gotten no text or no news about it . My sister found out , my mother found out and they thought it was the best idea to not to tell me yet … But it was too late. When my mother told me i told her i already knew and i was pissed . i felt like i was treated like chop liver . and i was told they did this just incase that night i didnt sleep or what ever bullshit answer thet could think of . I was pissed at my family for this .
Fast forward , my family got the funeral date . I didnt go . for reasons . do i regret it no . did i do what was best for me yes. i know family is family but my health comes first and stuff came up that week. Did i forgive my family for what they did , no . Was i able to move on slowly and still am yes . Its just going to take time .

Another situation i am currently dealing with is that i was in my house and all the sudden i had symptoms of an upcoming paic attack happening . I tried to keep myself calm to prevent it from happening but still it took forever for this to go away … Then all the sudden when i was relaxing in bed before i wrote this for some odd reason i had felt worthless . i dont know why . I dont know what the hell is wrong with me …

[twixremix]

hey @all_around_ashley ,

as you said, you did what you had to do for both your health and for the health of your relationship with the rest of the family. grief and loss is a beast to deal with and adding family issues on top of it where you don’t find out right away when your grandma passed? your pain is valid and i hope that as you work towards moving forward with them, that you are able to take time for yourself. mourning is one of the most difficult things to deal with and self-care is a powerful tool in managing those emotions.

with time and space to allow yourself to mourn both your grandma and the way you found out about your time, i truly hope those feelings of panic attacks and worthlessness fizzle out. because you are worth it, you do deserve to know about your own family, and that you shouldn’t be treated like chopped liver. i hope that when you’re able to, that you could address this pain with your family and ensure that they tell you urgent matters asap, no matter the time of day or what’s going on in your personal life. vocalizing it will hopefully ensure that it will never happen again because finding out about a death on social media is devastating.

i’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and knowing your boundaries. i believe in you fully and need you to know that you are worth so much more than you even know. hold fast, my friend, i’m proud of you.

love,
twix

[LiveResponse]

From: Sidryza (Discord)

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s not always easy to have family, and it’s often complicated. Your mixed feelings about this situation are valid, and I’m glad you did what you were comfortable with. Family is family, yes, but you did the right thing by putting your health first and knowing what you’re capable of handling. I’m sorry your family didn’t tell you about her passing, and you’re reasonably upset about it. I’m proud of you for dealing with this in the self-respecting way that you did. Grief is a hard thing to deal with, and family issues are, too. When you feel overwhelmed, don’t forget to take care of yourself and practice some grounding exercises to help you feel better, and never forget that all of your feelings, however strong they may be, are valid, and managing them in the face of loss is hard, but I know you can handle them. I wish you and your family the best in recovering from this loss. Take care of yourself, and we’re here for anything else you might need to get off of your chest. All the best :]