Back story on situation(s) :
So growning up when my grandparents were staying with the family and I , i would have some sort of i guess "Love hate " relationship with my grandmother. Sometimes things were hard to do or say towards her cause i never knew what the hell was going to happen . I never knew the outcome of if i were to say something what would be said back to me . I wouldnt call this a toxic relationship at all . I know she had cared about younger me . I had hard time standing up for myself , what was easy for me . I remember one specific incident where i got hit with a pair of socks due to the fact i accidently threw a ball at someones no no square when i was younger and throwing a fit … There was so many other situations that i cant really remember.
So where do i begin with how i am feeling since theres the back story of the situation…?
Off and on my grand mother wasnt doing so well do to the fact she was in her 80’s and in a nursing home … I went up for acouple days to hopefully get to see her and wasnt alowed do , to fricken CDC gidelines due to covid … blah blah blah … we ended up going back home acouple days later… Fast forward to a sunday my dad came in to me he has to go upstate to go see her cause his mom ( my grandmother ) isnt doing well fast forward to the 16th i found out my grandmother passed away , i found out through social media through my uncle . that day or day(s) before i had gotten no text or no news about it . My sister found out , my mother found out and they thought it was the best idea to not to tell me yet … But it was too late. When my mother told me i told her i already knew and i was pissed . i felt like i was treated like chop liver . and i was told they did this just incase that night i didnt sleep or what ever bullshit answer thet could think of . I was pissed at my family for this .
Fast forward , my family got the funeral date . I didnt go . for reasons . do i regret it no . did i do what was best for me yes. i know family is family but my health comes first and stuff came up that week. Did i forgive my family for what they did , no . Was i able to move on slowly and still am yes . Its just going to take time .
Another situation i am currently dealing with is that i was in my house and all the sudden i had symptoms of an upcoming paic attack happening . I tried to keep myself calm to prevent it from happening but still it took forever for this to go away … Then all the sudden when i was relaxing in bed before i wrote this for some odd reason i had felt worthless . i dont know why . I dont know what the hell is wrong with me …