These past few months… have been my absolute rockbottom. It started in july, my girlfriend cheated on me with her boy best friend. Want to know how i found out? I followed her boy bestfriend on instagram and he sends me a picture of her on top of him. It absolutely broke me, i love her more than anything. So we separate, at the time i was 14 and when it happened it was literally july 1st. A couple of days later, i try smoking, i hit my brothers dab pen and thats when it all started. I smoked a lot in the summer but good lord when i didnt i was absolutely miserable. The first thing i did when she found out she cheated on me, i tried hanging myself. Little did i know things will only get worse. I turned 15 on july 12th did not enjoy my birthday one bit and thought of her the whole time, went home miserable. When school first started i messaged her a paragraph telling her how i feel and that i still love her with all my heart, she never responded i got left on delivered. So then a couple night after that i got very very sad and had an mental breakdown, i have a shrine of my grandpa in my room, just his ashes a cross and a picture of him on my bed, he was my best friend. I grabbed his picture frame and i cut a cross into my chest, thinking that i could redeem myself to god this way. A couple of weeks before school started i remember i went for a bike ride late at night, i had gotten so high the previous day all the dopamine in my brain was gone so i was very very sad. I biked to the top of this parking lot to view the stars. Sudddenly, i start crying, then laughing, breaking down mustering the words “god will never let me be happy”. I got up on the ledge of the parking lot roof and stood there. My parents called me to go home and for the few days after that i remember feeling nothing. I never knew at the time how empty i could feel. After that night i began hoeing around, i was talking to girls that i didnt even care about, i had a glow up and just wanted to have a bit of fun and feel validated for a bit. I continue to do this every day, just because nothing else in my life besides weed makes me feel anything. For the past couple of weeks ive been smoking weed everyday before school and after, just to make the school day a bit more fun. Well yesterday i smoked a bit too much and i absolutely reeked of weed. So when i got home my dad smelled it (he is very very strict about weed) and he searched my bag and took my weed (he didnt find my bong). Then when my mom came home we ended up talking, i was pretty high and dont remember much of what happened but nothing bad went down we just talked about how i shouldnt smoke and how they want me to take pills instead if im so depressed. However i made my mom ball her eyes out in her room when we stopped talking. I dont know what to do, im so lost, i always feel like shit and i dont care about literally anything, not even myself. I dont even care that i made my mom cry and i feel like i should. Im just so empty, theres nothing left of me. Ive smoked all my emotions away. I just miss my genesis and want her back so bad but she doesnt even care about me. It isnt only her im sad about so much bad stuff has happened in my life, but she was just the final straw. I dont care about anything and i dont even know what to feel anymore. The only positive thing thats happened to me recently is that i have a crush on this girl in my class. But heres the thing i dont even care about it, its not even a crush i just want her. I dont even fantasize a relationship with her. I just want somebody to hold me in their arms while i tell them how i feel, i just want to love again but i cant. I think im going to cut myself again after this post. Somebody please help me, i have nobody i have absolutely nothing besides myself, which i am nothing. I dont even care about anything whatsoever and dont even know why i decided to come here and write this…
Hey welcome back. So just to clarify a few things because I’d hate to assume anything-
I read some previous posts from last year, is this the same girl that you had a previous relationship/break up with or is this a different girl?
I know being young that emotions seem so heightened and heart ache seems like it’ll last forever.
You haven’t had the experience to know how to cope and how to maybe even recognise what those feelings mean or are.
When you’re so young you sometimes fail to understand that you can’t sacrifice your love of self for loving someone else. There has to be boundaries and acknowledgement that loving someone else means loving yourself and taking care to protect yourself.
It’s okay to acknowledge sadness, hurt, loneliness ect, but once you start living in those feelings it becomes a dangerous trap. By the sounds you’ve been struggling with that a bit, does that sound right? Seeking to find comfort through smoking or self harm.
Do you think your parents have valid reason to worry? When you’re saying your using weed daily and self harming, I’d be worried about someone I love if they were doing that too.
Maybe it’s a bit hasty to jump right to medication involvement, but perhaps at least having someone to talk to and help you navigate through your feelings.
We can’t control who wants to be involved in our lives and who goes. Maybe she needs to move in for her own mental health and healing, and that’s something that has to be respected even if it seems hard.
Perhaps finding ways to move on with the support of a professional could be helpful in your own healing journey.
Dear @Sussiest_Baka I hear your pain and anger and frustration. It reminds me of how I get when I’m really depressed. I’m a fairly mental person and I try to think my way out of it. But my brain is hurting so much and my cognition is so impaired by the depression that I just can’t think my way out of it. Then the emotions crash and I get terrible mood swings. It sounds like some of that is going on with you.
I truly wish I could just put my arms around you and let you feel loved. No pressure and no judgment. Just love.
All I can say at this point is that I hope you will give yourself time to get past the negativity and see yourself and your life more clearly. I really want you to make it. I’ve come through times of wanting to just die and I’m so glad I gave myself a chance to live.
Sending you prayers and love.