I'm sorry, but I'm broken

I hate to keep bothering everyone by 0osting so much, but I have no one to talk to at this point. I have no one who will listen and here me out. I apologize for my annoying self.
As I’ve said in past posts, I’m basically in love. My manager, cheesily, stole my heart. I thought he was so perfect. The way he knows when I’m not ok, and how to cheer me up. The way he can makes me feel safe and protected. How he just was just comfortable with silence and how he was okay with my loudness. He made sure I always ate during my breaks, checked on me if I said ouch, and listening to everything I said then remembering it for later. He was honestly perfect. Only thing was, he’s 27 and I’m 17. I never wanted to fall for him, but now I sit heartbroken and crying in pain.
He didn’t mean to break my heart, I think. He doesn’t know I was crying in the bathroom or in my car after work today. I tried to hide my feelings, but I’m bad at hiding emotions to those I trust.
He was getting messages all day and his phone chimed with every message. My back was acting up really bad today and the pain was just barely tolerable, it hadn’t been this bad in awhile. He didn’t notice ny pain away all. He made my dinner for me, but made too much. I just wanted to smile today with him. I got that. But then I found out he who he was texting.
He was talking to one of the other employees and she was asking about some girl. It turns out he really seems interested in that girl.
I know I shouldn’t care, and that it’s not my business. Though, my heart broke. That mixed with my back pain is too much. I feel so numb right now. My eyes hurt from all the tears and my body has its pain still. I know some people have it worse, but sone also have it better. I’m being extremely bipolar today. I went from smiling to yelling at a coworker to laughing my ass off then to crying. I’m tired. I’m just tired of all the pain I have. Everytime I’m depressed, lonely, or sad I hear songs that go to my feelings. I can have my heart broken beautifully, but it’s always the hardest thing to put it together again.
I know this is long. There is so much on my mind, and this is just a small fragment of everything. I just spent the last 3 years trying to pick myself up after some a##hole broke me. My manager was doing so much in helping me, and he didn’t even know it. Now I’m broken again and this time my reason for getting up is the reason I’m falling, and he doesn’t even know it. I’m not sure I can even pick myself up after this. Everything has been boiling up recently and I’m pretty sure this is the point where everything goes to sh#t. My mind goes to dark places when I’m down, and now I’m numb and my shadows are coming back stronger and darker.

Hey there friend,
Thanks for sharing.
I know these types of situations can be so hard. And it’s totally okay to get hurt. It’s understandable. But this pain that you feel doesn’t have to have the final word. You have a huge say in the way you feel. Yes, allow yourself to feel, cry as much as you need to. But you have to make a decision to rise above this. Yes i know it hurts like hell, but the pain doesn’t have to define you, nor become you. You are stronger than you know! You have strength and greatness inside you just waiting to break through. Let it. :slight_smile: You’re gonna be okay. I know it’s hard, but make the choice to choose joy everyday. Sure we may wake up not feeling like today may be joyful or whatever, but we can choose that we will. We can choose to be positive and not let things get to us so much. I believe that the devil always trys to find ways to bring us down. he will use whatever he can to bring our spirits down. But we can rise above it. We can choose positivity even in the hardest of moments. Yes, it’s not always easy. I’m struggling with it right now. But it doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up :slight_smile: I believe in you friend. I’m praying for you.
Also, don’t be afraid to reach out to professional help or a counselor or something, those help too! And maybe create a positive playlist. One that you can listen to when your feeling down. :slight_smile: hope this helps friend. I’m praying for you :slightly_smiling_face:
hold fast.

Heres a playlist i listen to in my hard moments. :slight_smile: