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I'm starting to get bad again

Today, I played a game called “Missed Messages” which brings the sad reality of mental illness to light, a very well put together game in my opinion and an important one. But, it also made me very sad not just cause of my past but in the “good ending” you save your friend from taking her life. You stand by her and are there for her through everything, you hug her once you find her cutting, you make her feel so safe and cared for. And in the end you help her find a good therapist she likes and she thanks you for being there. It made me sad because I don’t have that person. All my life I had to force myself to keep living and to take care of myself, meanwhile I put the safety and interest of others ahead of my own. And when the time came to be vulnerable, I was alone again. I shouted for someone to help me and nobody answered. And I kept forcing myself to live with the hope things get better but now I am just this mindless zombie that is on autopilot. Doing the exact same shit every fucking day. I honestly do it so much, I don’t even realize I am doing it. I’ll snap back to reality and realize “Oh shit, I’m at work right now”. And it’s every fucking day. I am so numb from living this way and now I am questioning whether or not I want to continue living. I’m not chasing my dreams, reaching for the stars, I am trying to stay alive. I wanna cut again just to feel something different other than the usual shit. Anger, loneliness, depression, ANYTHING other than this. Anything to keep myself from just giving up

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Hey there. I am so sorry you are going through all this. It can be so discouraging when you feel like you aren’t “seen”. It can be so hard to wait for things to get better and yet it seems like they aren’t. I hear you, friend. I see you. I hear the desperation in your post. Don’t give up. The fact that you are alive means that the One who created you isn’t done fulfilling His purposes for you yet here on this Earth. You were created for amazing things! You were created to be a conqueror in the middle of pain and suffering. You were created to love and be loved. Yet, sometimes this world is messed up and you don’t feel loved. Sometimes you still feel all alone. You feel like no one “sees” you. Keep pressing on, friend. This pain you’re feeling won’t last forever. Even if it seems like it will. Trust me, I’ve been there. But it’s amazing to me, years later, looking back at Facebook posts or messages, where I talked about bad situations going on at the time. And it came to pass. I remind myself of those times. And it helps me to press on and remember that the current “bad” season I’m in won’t last forever. Even if it seems like it will. Keep reaching out. We hear you. You are loved and supported and seen here.

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I cannot tell you how much this resonated with me, and how much I saw myself in this post. I’m currently doing pretty good right now, but I can tell you, that just this past June - I had come to a breaking point with that feeling. I hope that being here, you will find that you have us. I know it’s not the same thing as having someone there in person, but we will do whatever we can to support and encourage you. It’s a battle, to be sure, but we won’t let you fight it alone.

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