I’ve never shared this with anyone but God before, but I’m addicted to porn, and I have been for a number of years despite many ups and downs and constant attempts to get better. Sometimes they work and I do get better, but only for a short time before I spiral right back down the same hole I swore I’d never fall down again just the day, or month, or year before. I just feel like a broken record at this point, like my faith and my life are just a series of rinsing and repeating, with no sign of any real transformation or change. I’ve only ever opened up about it to God, but never to anyone else. I guess I’m just too insecure or scared of what will happen or what people will say or think of me if I do open up.
You’d think that after years of trying amd failing that I’d learn some kind of lesson or see some kind of pattern, which I think I have. And that’s the problem. God has worked wonders in my life and I’m thankful for them every day, just as I’m forever grateful for his son who died on the cross for our sin. My sin. The same sin I feel like I both carry with me, and create every day. I know that I’m forgiven, that I’m a child of God with a purpose to fulfill. But I can’t shake the addiction, no matter how many times I pray and admit that it’s a problem and ask God to guide me in the right direction. I’ve carried this weight of guilt before, and I’ve realized it and felt the grace of God touch my soul before too. But even still, after my revelation, it feels like the past comes back to haunt me, only to pull me back into that dark place God rescued me from.
I know that He’s already written all the days of my life, but why does this lingering sin and unhealthy habit have to be a part of it? I know he has a plan and that everything will work out just fine, but it’s just so hard to see when I keep slipping back to my “old self”.
Maybe God led me here to the support wall today because he knew I could get back on track wotht he help of all the incredible and amazing people here. But right now, I feel disgusted with the way I can’t control myself when my demons try and even succeed to pull me back. I’m tired of the depression that comes with this baggage, and I’m tired of trying to ignore it or keep it inside to solve by myslef.
Thank you for taking the time to read, much love and God bless.