Hey friend, you are doing just as you can to survive right now, and none of that would ever make you worthless, neither what happened to you. What happened was not your fault, the way your mind and body still react these days is not your fault, and the fact that it takes time to heal is also not something to ever feel guilty of. I know it’s easier said than done though. Rationally, we might know what is right and true, but when your entire being is pushed back to times when you were hurt, when you’ve experienced raw pain and fear, emotions also tend to be overwhelming.
Flashbacks are so hard to navigate, and so exhausting too. For what it’s worth, I’m currently on the same boat as you - under different circumstances of course. A couple of weeks ago, I witnessed my father in law’s death. And while being there for him, my partner and his family, it also brought me back to how my brother passed away years ago, which was under similar circumstances. It took me years to admit this loss as being traumatic for me, and to acknowledge the long-term effects it’s been having since then. Now, it’s been three weeks of feeling a roller-coaster inside of me, but overall this constant and dreading sensation of being unsafe h24. Of having your body on alert mode all the time, and feeling like a button was pressed to trigger all your anxiety and depressive feelings on high mode all over again.
It’s hard. It feels like you’re carrying yourself day in and day out, but it remains an invisible weight to most. I’m not performing as I would, I can only focus on so very limited things daily. I feel ashamed and broken, but I also try to hold on to the knowledge that it’s perfectly normal - and understandable - to feel that way right now. It doesn’t mean I am broken. It only shows how painful this season is.
My heart truly goes out to you right now. It hurts to feel like life events push us backwards somehow. Although we are not regressing in any way, it’s still disheartening to have to battle the same effects, the same symptoms, the same demons over and over. It feeds this fear inside of us that pushes us to ask ourselves if we’ll ever heal and find peace. It feels unfair to have to deal with all of this - rightfully so.
You are not worthless and you are not beyond hope or healing, my friend. Right now, you’re in the middle of a storm and it feels impossible to see through it. But all the steps you take for your own healing and in taking care of yourself are worth it. Some days it’s going to feel like huge, tremendous steps. And some days like these last weeks, it might feel insignificant. But I promise you it’s not. Learning to be compassionate and patient with ourselves especially when we experience this kind of season all over again, is part of healing and learning to be allies to ourselves. Just a couple of days ago, I had to see a doctor again and accept to have, temporarily, medication to help decrease my anxiety levels lately. At first, it felt like moving backwards and that all my previous efforts were for nothing. Now I try to see it as a kind and healing gesture for myself, for my body and my heart. Emotional flashbacks are devastating storms, and you and I can be proud of ourselves for pushing through, gently but consistently.
I’m so very proud of you, of your efforts, of keeping focus on the importance of not hurting yourself, on seeking support and even opening up here. You are not alone. This season is not one you would be meant to be stuck in for the rest of your life. The sun will rise again. 
-Marie-Anne