I’m a failure. I know it sounds like i’m just bitching about life, but i really am. I have no friends at all. I have no interests in life. I have nothing that i like no group to fit in. I’m not a gamer, i’m not a reader, i’m not a writer…etc. i’ve never been in a relationship; mostly as i have an allergy towards heat; i can’t exercise, have sex, or do anything that heats me up. I chose a profession that isn’t suitable for me. Dentistry. What on earth wad i thinking getting myself into this with a fucking anxiety disorder? Like how stupid is that? Trying to be a dentist requires so much precision, talent and skill, while i’m more than willing to develop the skills, my tremulous hands won’t let me. And it sucks because i can’t work extra. All students get three hours of practice each week. Which kinda proves once and for all that i’m just not fit to live, as, despite we’re all practice for the same amount of time, i’m stuck with no progress whatsoever. And the social aspect of being a dentist is overwhelming. Maybe if i didn’t have this anxiety disorder i wouldn’t be so shit. I’ve been delaying my suicide for three years. I’m just done delaying it. I can’t afford professional help. There’s no suicide hotline in my country. I know, go ahead copy and paste a number. They don’t work. The befrienders went bankrupt, and all the other ones are out of service as well. I got nowhere to go. I wish i could afford professional help but it’s way too expensive and i need a fortune to afford the sessions, much less the medications. And now that it’s too late to change into another field, i’m stuck with dentistry. I can’t leave. And we also have a “fail-fine.” If you fail you pay a huge ass fine that, again, i cannot afford. There’s no option of taking a break either. We don’t even have counseling in the universities. The clock is ticking, and i’m not showing any signs of improvement. The anxiety is getting worse, academically i’m a fucking embarrassment, my personal life is rotten and i’m tired of delaying my suicide. I don’t know what to do.
The idea that i’m just delaying my suicide isn’t helping. That’s not a good reason to live like this. So yeah i’m just living on borrowed time here. Helpless, hopeless, anxious, ungrateful, inept, weak, down, neurotic, ugly, irritable, and most importantly, suicidal.
Hemadoha,
Part of healing is getting to a place where we feel like there are options for us. Your post is full of negative feelings toward … you. Be kinder please, be kinder to this person you’re so upset with… you. Your allergy to heat sounds completely challenging, and I’m wondering if it has a name, and if so, could you perhaps find support… maybe online support around your condition so you are not so isolated.
Isolation is Not a solution, you need people, we All need people. But if you’ve been isolating then you need to start moving back toward being social. Posting here is a good place to start, there are a lot of great people here who understand pain, both physical and mental.
With so much going on with you, I would encourage you to try to slow down your thinking, and try to stay centered in the moment. Then stay there. Try not to think of the future, your future is causing you anxiety right now, so shift your attention to what is going on right now. Make the most of each moment, make that the objective. Don’t think of like or not liking what you’re doing, don’t attach labels to things, your labels right now are pretty negative, and you need more positive messages to yourself. Breathing is a helpful tool to calm yourself down, check out youtube for some meditation and breathing exercises. The breathing will calm you and the meditation can help clear your mind. Today is not the rest of your life. Today, and perhaps this time in your life may be full of challenges, and you may suffer anxiety, but you are so much more than what you perceive is ‘wrong’ with you, and while you have challenges, there is NOTHING wrong with you. It is a difficult time, a time that will pass. Don’t let the fear take over, give yourself time and the compassion you need right now. Peace
Hi Hemadoha,
Welcome to the support wall. Thank you for sharing all of this with us.
I don’t think you’re a failure.
There is a difference between being a failure and failing to do something. For instance, there was a time in my life where I couldn’t do half the things you have described yourself doing in this post. Was I a failure? I don’t think so, I was just going through a hard time. Had I failed at things I tried? Absolutely. And its a good thing those failures happened. There is a bad stigma around failing. How dare someone not live up to someone’s expectations, etc. When the reality is without failure, we would never grow as people. We would be totally stagnant, never realizing out potential. Never valuing our own strength or worth. Trust me, friend, while life is hard, you are doing just fine.
Surely there is something you enjoy. Maybe its niche interest that you just haven’t met people who shared it? What do you do when you’re bored? When you need to unwind? In a perfect world, if you didn’t have a care in the world and could literally do anything, what would you do?
Maybe moving to a colder location could help woth this. Keep your living space cold. And also, it is possible to be in a relationship without sex. I’ve met many people who consider themselves Asexual but still desire partnership. Just an idea.
I’m not sure how old you are, friend, but its pretty common for people to switch careers at least once in their life time. I switched careers at 30 because the path I initially chose was making me miserable, for example. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It is never too late for annew beginning. In the meantime, give your all to this, if for nothing else than to avoid that failure fine (what is that anyway? I’ve never heard of that. Seems a little fishy to me).
So what you’re saying is, you deserve to die because you’re not good at something?
People are good and not so good at all kinds of things. Some people are fast learners. Some people have a natural knack for things. Some people don’t. But that doesn’t mean you are any less of a person who doesn’t deserve to live. You are more than your chosen profession. You are more than your downfalls. Whether you deserve to live or not has absolutely nothing to do with your ability to pick up dentistry. Show yourself grace, friend. You will find something that suits you in time.
Anxiety does complicate things. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia. I am easily overwhelmed in social situations and basically any time anything goes sideways. Because of this, I do acknowledge my limitations - I’ll never take a job that requires me to be the center of attention or where I need to be around a bunch of people. IT is good. Maybe look into IT after you get over the dentistry bump in the road. A lot of IT jobs don’t require any specific schooling as skills are often proven through certification and you can teach that stuff to yourself with a lot of free stuff online.
I understand, friend. Im sorry you are in such a hard place right now. Are there any programs where you live that can help you get in touch with an income based therapy maybe?
Yea, this is stupid. Whoever came up with that is looking for ways to get money. But I digress. It is never too late. You may be forced to fight your way through this for now, but what is stopping you from doing something else after this is over?
It sounds to me like you just need to take some time to slow down, identify what you need and show yourself some self care. You are worth it, friend. You deserve to be happy like everyone else. You have worth, like everyone else. Hard times will come and go and as difficult as it is, it is so important to not give up hope. Tomorrow is a new day. 24 hours to do with, however you please. Take some time for you, take some time for your studies and maybe brainstorm on what would make you happy because you deserve it, friend.
The only thing I enjoyed was playing football ( soccer) i was bad, but at least it was something i actually enjoyed. But i obviously had to quit all physical exercise altogether because of my allergy. When i’m bored i daydream. I don’t havr any hobbies. I’m a maladaptive daydreamer and i hate it with a passion. It consumes my entire day, it’s kind of a good thing tho, because without it i’d just be cutting myself all day. So, this idea that i just haven’t met people, YET, haven’t watched that show, YET…etc is just tantalising.
That isn’t possible. I Iive in Egypt; every year cairo dcores a new record of the hottest temperature on earth, so yeah. And I can’t leave the country and move to a different place; every male is tied to the military reserves and can’t leave untill he is out; at the age of 32. I’m not going to live to 32. I’m 21 and have already had enough.
It’s not about how old i am, it’s about where i am. There’s no future here if you don’t have a college degree; and i can’t change college. Excuse my bad English here i don’t know how to talk about college. But basically government college do not allow change, once you’re in, you can’t get out. You can fail snd drop ou lt but then the fine will haunt your ass. To change you need to go to a private university, which I can’t afford. And yes, this is actually the first country in the world to put a fine for failure in university. It’s a military dictatorship, what do you expect? Prizes for success?
No, there’s literally no suicide hotline! Mental illness is fake here. Or is considered fake by the majority of the population, which results in mental health services prices Skyrocketing and only being available to the high class. If i’m known to be contemplating suicide i’d seriously get bullied. I’m getting bullied because of my anxiety all the time. Cuz, to them, it’s all fake and i’m just lazy and not a man. I should man up or some shit
I have been taking good care of myself; i’m not cutting anymore. I’m clean for like two years. I’m not an alcoholic(anymore), I don’t smoke, i don’t abuse my body in any way shape or form. But the thing is, i’m just tired of it all. I quit drinking, i quit cutting and am more focused than ever; but my anxiety just doesn’t let me function. And being with no hobbies or interests sucks because i have nothing to cling onto life with. I’m helpless, I can’t do anything about it. I’m stuck in dentistry, even though i made it for three years, I can’t go any further. We’re starting to get into the clinical stuff where i have to be way better with my hands. But that’s impossible. And i appreciate all the kind words about me being more than what i do; it’s false. Why? Because i have nothing! I don’t have anything to cling onto life with. I don’t have any hobbies I don’t have any interests and to use the excuse that i just haven’t found it yet is not helping. I got nowhere to go, realistically. Snd suicide never escapes my mind. I can’t stop thinking about stabbing myself. I just can’t. I try to meditate but i’m restless and it doesn’t help with the suicidal thoughts.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yeah
It’s called cholinergic urticaria. It has no cure. I tried antihistamines, steroids lifestyle changes, diet plans, they don’t work. This isn’t me trying to be negative it literally has no cure. It’s an allergy. You just have to avoid the triggers.
Okay, what’s going on right now is that i can’t make progress in subjects like operative dentistry. Students are already making cavity preparations for amalgam fillings, ON NATURAL TEETH, while i’m stuck with artificial teeth not being able to open a proper cavity. What’s going on right now is that I can’t set teeth for the dentures. It takes so mucb precision, so much focus,… which i lack because i’m anxious. I just can’t set the teeth like this, they always fall off. I am doing my best, i have quit cutting and alcohol abuse and i’m proud of that but i guess it’s not enough. And i have tried to give myself time. I’ve been delaying my suicide for three years, hoping that someday i might just stop thinking about stabbing myself, hoping that someday i would find an interest to cling onto life by… but it was for nothing
Hemadoha,
Have you tried to find support around this, an online group? what I wondered, is if has a name then there must be others who share your experience and can offer experiential support. Someone going though what you go through can be a way of connecting to others too.
If you could take a moment with me, with respect, your response is still in the future, unless you are doing all these things right this moment. It isn’t that I do not sense your frustration about your inability to focus and do what you need to do, it’s that when I get anxious I am thinking about something I WILL be doing, I am in the future. I am not thinking about what I am doing right now, in this instant, I’m thinking about what I have to do, what I have to get done, what will happen if I don’t, if I fail, etc., by thinking like this, I have put in motion … anxiety. Nothing will be different if you don’t think like this, all of what needs to be done, will get done, and it will work out. You can prepare by practicing staying present to what it is you are doing, and releasing all the rest to the ‘future’. The future will happen. Regardless of what you do, it will still happen, there is nothing that changes that… it’s the essence of time.
But have you determined your future already? You seem certain this doesn’t work out for you. You also seem certain you know the consequences of it not working, like you know what will happen in the future.
But there is no way to know the future. It is impossible to know.
When does the future get here? When you’re in the Next moment. In that moment you’ll do what seems right for you, just as all of us do. And if it doesn’t work out, then all it means is “IT” didn’t work you, NOT that YOU didn’t work out. Don’t equate who you are, with what it is you do. There is a difference, and it’s important you understand the difference. Be kind with yourself and keep reaching out. Peace.
Thanks for your kind words, i appreciate it. So let me break it down to you. Let’s say i’m in the hospital about to practice. Got my instruments and everything is ready, set, go!
My body is already in an anxious state, as i’m surrounded by people. My heart is racing, my hands are tremulous my legs feels like they just ran a marathon.
I’m as vulnerable to suicidal thoughts as i can get.
Then the suicidal thoughts kick in. If i ignore the thoughts they only get more power ironically. My head feels like it’s about to explode. If I don’t ignore them, i have an easier time. I just don’t care about anything as i’m going to kill myself soon. Either route i take, the result isn’t good. I can’t work in this condition. I just can’t. And i’m working with artificial teeth, what happens when i get to actual patients? I can’t treat a patient while thinking about stabbing myself! And back to the practice thing, i’m not showing any progress at all. I’m not worried about the future, cuz fuck that. I’m actually focusing on now. The now, is that i get the most vulnerable to suicidal thoughts when i’m anxious. And since i’m always anxious when i’m practicing, it’s near impossible to see results like this.
So there are two solutions: 1- stop being anxious
2- stop being suicidal
Because trust me, i don’t have depression. I’m not going to feel bad when things go well, and I won’t refuse help if it’s there. I just have this terrible anxiety. I haven’t been diagnosed, so i won’t self-diagnose myself with anything. So back to the solutions; It’s not within my power to stop either one. I wish it was that easy. It isn’t. I have been trying but i always end up going nowhere. Which only exacerbates the problem because that’s just more reason why i should just throw myself off a cliff already.
In short, the reason i’m not making progress in my work, isn’t because i’m too dumb, it’s because i’m most vulnerable when i’m practicing. So i’m almost certain that if i stop thinking about banging my head against the wall everytime i work, i would be at least decent, if not actually good at what i’m doing.
And yes i am in communities online about my heat allergy. But it’s different for everyone and even scientifically, it’s not fully understood.
You’re under a lot of pressure, or at least it seems that way, I hope you can find a way to get some time to work through this period of your life. As I said, your anxiety has happened to you, it is not you. Breathing, meditation, what ever you can use to help you get though this until you can get the help you need. I’d advise you speak with your instructors if you think they would be respectful of your condition, and to continue to reach out. I think you show a lot of courage myself, and intelligence in your understanding of your condition. Peace.
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