I really didnt want to post this but i feel weak mentally . I hate having these intrusive thoughts , i hate struggling i hate that i am unable to be a better version then i was because rightnow im down in a low. I want to help others , ive put my story out their on twitter only because i wanted to show the strength of who i am and what i have dealt with . Not only depression , anxiety but also trauma from the past. My professor had asked us what makes us unique and i wrote them down . we didnt have to share them outloud ( we didnt). Something i wrote is “my breath in my lungs” and " me wanting to be a better version of me." But how can i do the second thing when im still struggling when my mind still tells me to kill myself . Even though im having these intrusive thought that im ignoring , why do i still feel this way . why the heck am i even here when im just going to feel like im failing my self . that im failing to help others know that its okay to ask for help. Do i really want to die , no . do i want to be alive , yes i really do . But i just want to be done fighting .
Also, I am tired feeling like everyone is against me . I know i have people that love me and show me unconditional love but tbh. Theres some incidents where i feel like everyone just hates or dispises me . For example just lastnight , My Boyfriend tells my mom about a past incident where i got mad at him then ignored him … Bassically what happened was he tagged a friend in a post … Then he screen shots it and sends it to me in a dm and i get really offended because i felt like he was calling me an idiot then he explains im not that im smart (Btw he didnt send context till after i got mad) … When he showed my mom the pose she thought it was funny and she was on his side and told me not to be mad at him and not to ignore him … Like ummmmm, i have every right to be mad at him and ignore him … Just why would i feel like hes against me … I dont know what to do , i just want to be done fighting and i just want to stop feeling weak. I don’t now what to do…
I can hear all of the anxiety rushing around. Friend, be gentle with your self.
You and I seem to battle a lot of the same dark thoughts. Always wanting to better ourselves and be better versions of us. Wanting to live but constantly at war with our minds and feeling defeated and facing suicidal ideation.
I know. I love you friend. So much.
So often you are messaging me and asking me how I’m doing and checking on me. What a thoughtful friend. We hardly know each other yet you are always offering such a loving heart. I hope you know the impact you have in this world and how lucky we are to get to be a part of your life. To not have you around would be a huge loss. I know you may not always feel it, but you have such a positive impact on people my friend. You bring smiles to people who are hurting, you offer comfort and support. You don’t have to, but you do. That means a lot.
You are not hated and despised. At least not here. You are family. We love and care for you.
As far as your boyfriend…I understand why you got mad. I remember when you first explain on here about all of that. I think if something like that happens again, maybe you can just nicely ask him not to send you those sort of things. Even if it’s just a screen shot. Just let him know you don’t find things that are degrading others even in play as funny. You being upset was still valid. But also sounds like a gentle talk maybe could have helped too. Sometimes anger and heat when expressing ourselves doesn’t come across very well. So we just have to pull people aside when we’re calm and explain why we were hurt.
I’m not sure why he told your mom that and showed her the post. That wasn’t very nice. And kinda embarrassing. Especially since she took his side. Maybe you can talk to him later after you’ve slept on it and just nicely express to him that it felt hurtful to you and why. Try to do it when you can be calm. And hopefully he will be understanding and receiving.
I love you Ashley. You’re such a sweet friend. I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. Just know I’m here okay? I may not always be able to respond the moment you message me but Ill always get back to you when I can. I’m always there if you need a friend. I mean that.
You, Kayla, Lyss…you ladies mean a lot to me. You all have always offered so much love. I’m always here to return that love the best way I can.
Hey friend, I’m sorry that you are also hurting. Know that we are here to listen if you need to talk. We will love and encourage you the best we can. You don’t gave to face these dark feelings alone. So feel free to create your own post sharing about what’s on your mind Okay?